Devastating Weapons Company, how may I help you?

We need some devastating weapons, please.

Well, you’ve come to the right place. We have drones as smart as Einstein, drones the size of bumblebees, armored troop carriers, cluster bombs, sidewinders, patriots, unethical munitions both handheld and dropped from the skies, mobile missile launchers, bazookas, stationary or mobile cannons of varying millimeters… At this time we have a special on torpedoes… We don’t provide operators, pilots, mercenaries, foot soldiers or collateral damage inspectors… What is the purpose of your mission?

Oh, just attacking a medium-size country for the hell of it. You know, Dept. of War stuff. Actually, we already attacked so we need to make sure we have enough weaponry to settle down the critics who think such actions might leave us vulnerable to attack or unable to complete the mission. You know, we need to placate the naysayers.

Critics are everywhere. We do offer free shipping and discounts for multiple items purchased.
Thanks but we have military bases worldwide so shipping is not a problem. We’ll just send the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines to pick up supplies. The Coast Guard is on their own since they got a little snooty as soon as we came to power. Had to fire the Admiral. She was too woke, you see. Can’t have that nowadays. Not when the bad guys are throwing a bit of trickery our way. Launching thousands of drones and hoping to eat up our air defense systems. Ha. That just means we’ll use less expensive precision bombs dropped from Stealth bombers. They call us the bad guys because we lob a little sneak attack on them. We do it to make things better. Not that we haven’t pulled a few coups here and there but show me a country that hasn’t meddled in somebody’s business and I’ll show you a failed state. They don’t get it.

Most people don’t. Add a little religious fervor and it’s an uphill battle. Don’t you worry. We have ample means of production so make a list of what you need and we’ll start building bombs immediately.

Exquisite class weaponry?

Only the best for our Number One customer. Numero Uno. No molotov cocktails. The highest quality in unfathomable quantities. Our factories are spotless and bristle with efficiency, our workforce is the best in the business. A little perk our employees enjoy is shopping for discounts in the company store. Those flashbangs fit perfectly in a lunch pail. Great for Fourth of July fun and keeping troublemakers out of the neighborhood. Devastating weaponry is in their blood. They were born to make things blow up when and where you want. Me? I started out as a ten year-old with a kid brother and a gross of M-80s, a gift from Uncle Rodney. Blew up every mailbox for miles around, even our own to cover our tracks.

Heard there were a lot of job opportunities in the industry, good paying jobs with benefits. 401k.
Thanks to a little war or two every so often we keep the economy humming and stock in the company is booming. We do our part with patriotism and pride. Who wants to buy a bomb when the peaceniks are in control. They frown at you like you ran over their cat.

Peace is a losing proposition. Bad for business. 

Our bombs and missiles don’t wish their way to a target, they will themselves to the target. No hand-wringing over the damage it might cause, they handle all the moral issues on their own. Hey, is old Joe Schmo still around? Dealt with him for years.

He was fired.

Bob Kebob?

He was fired.

Herman the German?

He was fired. Loyalty became an issue in the company and a purge was needed. Now I’m head of purchasing but no toilet paper or windex in my portfolio. Explosives and armaments are all I do. Identify, target, BOOM. Doesn’t get any better than that.

Background in engineering, the CIA?

Commercial real estate, a nice transition. Stepped right in and joined the team. The sound of a  bomb blast gets the blood pumping. Can’t wait to get to work every day. The taxpayers love to see things blow up, see that their dollars are put to good use.

Democracy and defense spending go hand in hand. We aim to please. The bombs you need, when you need them.