VIRGO
August 22-September 21

Virgo represents the element of Earth in its mutable form. Yeah, they can swing from nitpicker to asshole on a dime.

Their planet is Mercury, the God of cold hard facts, whether you want to hear it or not.
Classic Virgo, “ I didn’t want to say anything, but you look like you’ve gained a few pounds.”
Their favorite pastime is worrying, or telling you what you’re doing wrong.

Best Christmas gift for a Virgo: A label maker, a coupon holder or a tire rotation.

Virgos sweat the little things. They are compelled to heal the sick, save the sinful and correct everyone else’s spelling. They are Kings of unsolicited advice. Virgos are the least likely to admit a mistake, even though what you do for them is never good enough.

If you do catch them in a mistake, they will calmly say, “Oh, I didn’t realize that. Well, that changes the whole perspective. Now, if you had only explained that to me in the beginning.” Arrrggghhhhh!

The Virgo male doesn’t usually cheat. He does, however, expect dinner promptly at 6, but be prepared for him to bitch about the candlelight, because he can’t see his dinner. He is a classic Mr. Spock. It better make sense (to him), and you’d better act like it.

Act like what? That’s for the Virgo to decide.

The Virgo woman is kind and very real. But she’s hyper critical of everything, all the time, always. The best thing to do is apologize. For what? Everything. Trust me, it’s coming.

What you’re doing wrong, and how you’re doing it, and why you have to talk to your friends about all that stuff you talk about.

She has one belief – everyone else is beneath her.

Virgos make excellent bureaucrats, because they love to make people stand for hours in lines that go nowhere.        

A lot of people are looking for jobs right now. Whatever you do, avoid a Virgo boss. Oh, they’re gonna get the job done, and end up driving you nuts. Don’t ever make any mistakes of your own, and don’t ever point out his (or hers  – you see a Virgo feminist might be reading this and take offense). 

Virgos are perfectionists. They are judgmental, fastidious and nitpicky beyond belief. They love to micro-manage. Lieutenant William Bligh, whose horrid lists of rules and punishments drove Fletcher Christian and his crew to mutiny on the Bounty, exactly fits this profile. Overbearing, self-righteous and insensitive to the problems and feelings of others! Classic Virgo.

Bligh also had some non-specific ailment that kept him in his quarters much of the time – probably typical Virgo nervous indigestion. To say they are hypochondriacs is an understatement. They are

ALWAYS worried about their health. 

“Hey, Doc, could you look at this lump on my ass?

Is it cancerous?”

“Can you get lymes from a bag of theater popcorn. I’m serious here!”  *sigh*

Virgos are the only sign in the zodiac that actually looks forward to a tooth cleaning. 
Truth is, Virgos have exceptional self-discipline, and they never expect more of others than they’re willing to give. They are sympathetic and generous, and have a genuine desire to help people do their best. Instead of the Virgo trying to control the world, they need to learn to step back and listen first. 

You believe in moral principles and old-fashioned family values. 

You are also the end of the world prepper and the food hoarder for the coming apocalypse, Solar flare, or Planet Nibiru – which you are certain is coming, as you’ve researched for months, and you listen to Alex Jones. 

Being raised in a Virgo home is like living in a watered-down version of a boot camp. Instead of your first toy being a Teddy bear, it may instead be a calculator. 

Virgos are born set in their ways, and there is little to nothing you can do to change that. 
Virgo siblings paint a large stripe down the center of their shared bedroom, and tell you never to set foot on their side. Virgo kids grump and bitch about EVERYTHING. They are the ones with the classic teenager eye-roll and hrumph.

The classic, “Whatever!” was invented by a Virgo teen.

How is it possible to share space with the most anal creature on Earth, and live to tell the tale? 
Yes, Virgo is the sign of perfectionism, and all Virgos are nitpickers. However, most of their criticism is self-directed.  If they feel they have failed to live up to the exacting personal standards they’ve set for themselves, they turn their critical eye inward.

Praise works wonders in calming a grumpy, bitchy, nitpicky Virgo.

So does eating on time, leaving the mail in its proper place and having a clean set of their favorite old clothes ready to slip into when they get home. Virgos love to talk about all their problems, so be prepared to listen sympathetically as you massage their tired feet and throbbing temples. 

Virgos are not cold-hearted, sexless, clueless or virginal. They don’t prefer reading books to getting laid. It’s just that they are reticent. You have to build up your trust very slowly with them. Be patient. Virgos are creatures of habit, so no quickies in the frozen food section of Super One. Virgos appreciate intellect and don’t like surprises. 

With a little kindness, an honest but gentle approach and lots of TLC, you and your Virgo can keep the home fires burning brightly.  

GOOD DAYS:  August 21, September 18, 19

AWESOME DAY: August 22

DIFFICULT DAYS:  September 5, 6

Lady Ocalat is a Professional Astrologist, Reiki Master, Minister, Paranormal Investigator and Tarot Reader. She can be reached at 218-722-2240 or at Lady Ocalat’s Emporium in downtown Duluth.
ladyocalat.com, ladyoparanormal.com