CANCER
June 21-July 22
ELEMENT:  Water
QUALITY:  Cardinal
GEM:  Pearl 

Cancer is the fourth astrological sign in the zodiac. From approximately June 21 to July 22, these crazy assholes are having birthdays.  

Steer clear! No standard birthday gifts or decorations are going to be good enough. The Cancer woman, especially, will find all kinds of ways that you …

“Let her down.”

“Dropped the ball.”

“Just phoned it in.”

No matter what you do to “celebrate” her glorious birth, you are going to take it in the nuts eventually anyway. You might as well haul off and kick yourself there now. 

The symbol of the sign of Cancer is (appropriately) the CRAB. Seriously? This is too easy. They are negative and crabby as hell. Emotional dumpster fires whose favorite position is – FETAL. 

Touted as being loving and nurturing, loyal and reserved, they are. in reality. manipulative, soul-sucking, clinging, narcissistic sociopaths who turn to dust when the sun shines on them. 

What kind of person is a Cancer? Well, they are supposed to “know things without knowing how they know them.”

Wait, what? 

So, basically, insufferable gas bags who try to “snake oil” salesman your ass without a shred of logic or scintilla of truth. Yeah, these are the “light workers” or contactees from the Zeta Riticuli star system, or Karen from Chisholm wearing a turban as she channels the “Grand Sufi” from “What the Fuckistan.” (I made that up. There is no Fuckistan, but there really should be.)

The way a Cancer behaves is intolerable stuff for an Aries or a Capricorn to deal with, but Pisces love the sign of Cancer. They actually get to connect with someone more damaged than themselves. It’s short-lived, though, because each of those signs will be trying to outdo the other in the “victim hood” game.

Ruled by the Moon (lunatic), Cancers crave comfort, self-care and maternal energies (grown man sucking a boob).

They are domestically oriented. They are also known to frequent Wal-Mart in Mickey Mouse sleep pants and bunny slippers. (And that’s just the men!)

When they invest in someone emotionally, they risk blurring the line between attentive nurturing and controlling behavior, sort of like Kathy Bates in Misery.

Ooh, a better example – R.J. Kelly in EVERYTHING!!!!!

OK. I get it. Perhaps I’m a little too hard on this Cardinal Initiator sign of the zodiac. They after all, lead summer into the season. 

But, unless they make a conscious choice to stay single or celibate, they will drain another’s life force dry with their whining and complaining, their victimhood, their mental fragility, their “I’m super sensitive to loud noises and assertive people.”

It was the Cancer who coined the phrase, “I’m done adulting today.”

For some reason, Cancers love horror movies, and I mean the really gross ones, because at least for about two hours they can watch something worse than the catastrophe they’ve created in their own lives. 

Needy is an understatement with this bunch. They are always late, undecided, unwell, unprepared, unloved, unkempt….

I have to stop.

So to sum up – Cancers are known for their deeply strong feelings. But good feelings can turn to bad on a dime, happiness to intense joy, sadness into overpowering melancholy. It makes it really tough for their loved ones to deal with these highs and lows. 

The Cancer’s ability to feel things deeply can also be their unique strength. It’s a quality that can make them a talented artist, poet or performer! 

They just need to learn to manage their emotions so the emotions don;t sompletely takes over.

That’s it for now.

Leos, you’re next!