April Fools 2024

Reader Contributing Staff 

Meet the Queen of Park Point

Kathy Gargle, billionaire wife of an heir to the Gargle Family agribusiness fortune, has bought up 20 properties on Park Point and everyone’s just dying to know what she’s up to. Her initial responses amounted to “none of your business, peasants,” “the homes we bought were pieces of crap,” “print one word about this and I’ll sue” and “you are all pathetic mortal fools.”

At the advice of her PR firm, she has recently tried a more socially conscious image. “With great wealth comes great responsibility, so I will use my fabulous bank account to cure climate change,” she said. 

A noted collector of fancy vehicles, Gargle said her solution to global warming is to “drive my cars around real fast to get the breeze going and cool down this big ol’ planet.” 

She intends to race her cars up and down the 7-mile strip of land. When questioned whether she could accomplish this legally, she said, “Do you have any idea how fabulous my bank account is?”

She went on, “I would rather die of passion than of boredom and my cars are my passion. Once I had a 7-year old kid come and say, ‘Oh my gosh, is that a McLaren Senna?’ To see someone so young and engaged in a car like this is fantastic. He got too close and I had to tase him, but there’s hope for the younger generation.”

Another source, however, cautioned the public not to fall for the ditzy-blonde act. “She is an evil super-geniush. She plansh to build a masshive compound out there with megacomputersh and lazhers and atomic warheadsh so she can bring the world to itsh kneesh.”

The source, a mushmouthed Scotsman in a dinner jacket, says he intends to visit the compound to destroy it and save Western Civilization. But he admits his mission might be distracted, as Ms. Gargle has stocked the grounds with machine-gun wielding henchwomen clad in bikinis.

In the latest development, however, Ms. Gargle says she will abandon her plans for world domination after Duluth Mayor Roger Ramjet wrote her a timid letter begging her to divulge what she was up to.

“He kind of peed in his Post Toasties right there, so I’m not doing anything to benefit that small-minded community, or the whole small-minded world, for that matter,” she told the All Snit Journal.

“The plans I had for beautifying the park and putting up that sports court and coffee shop and laser weapons system, forget it. The amenities would have been open only to executive employees of my Supervillain Complex, so they’re the ones who will suffer.”

Stauber takes credit for warm winter, citing his own hot air

Fascist-curious congressman Pete Stauber is now seeking to take credit for the warm 2024 winter in the Northland, citing all the hot air he blew when he falsely took credit for the funding of the Blatnik Bridge reconstruction.

“I literally wrote a press release where I said I had ‘long fought for these funds,’ even though I voted against the Biden infrastructure bill that actually paid for it,” Stauber bragged aloud in front of everyone, knowing that the people who vote for him will just ignore it, as if they were children desperately wanting to believe in Santa Claus. 

“Do you know how much methane all that bullshit produced?” Stauber asks. “Honestly, all this talk about global warming is quaint when you think of the toxic smoke of disinformation I fart into the public discourse every single day.”

Boeing offers discount to passengers blown into space 

Travelers concerned about recent mechanical failures on Boeing airplanes can now be assured that passengers who are flung from the plane like a discarded cum towel will receive a three percent discount on their ticket price, minus fees, says the company.

“We take passenger safety very seriously,” says Boeing spokesman Buddy Googly-Eyes.  “Secure bolts and doors, not so much. But in the unlikely event that the door bursts off, sucking you out like plunger in a Taco Bell toilet, rest assured that a discount will be applied to your original ticket price, unless you damage an engine by flying into it like a klutz.”

Furthermore, says Googly-Eyes, anyone on the ground struck by a falling landing-gear tire will be allowed to keep it for a small fee, provided that they agree not to sue or survive the incident. 

Vice-principal seems really interested in “school litter boxes for furries” rumor 

Ever since an internet hoax spread claiming that schools were putting litter boxes into school washrooms for students who identify as “furries,” Wrenshall Junior High vice-principal Horton Hue has been asking a suspicious number of questions at every faculty meeting, sporting event, or local funeral.

According to witnesses, Hue often asks things like, “Do we really need all the stalls in the boys’ room?”, “How much does eight tons of cat litter cost?” and “Don’t you think that might help destigmatize the estimated 57% of Americans who are closeted furries?”

Observers also note that Hue often stares longingly at the school mascot, a costumed tiger named “Rappsy.” which Hue has often described as “really sultry.” As one student noted, “At the last home game, I’m pretty sure he was licking himself.”

‘80s celebration week kicks off with Satanic blood sacrifices

A series of events scheduled to celebrate 1980s culture kicked off this week as the Renegade Theater held a blood-letting ritual, exposing young naked virgins to the plunge of the dagger, as well as an REO Speedwagon cover band. 

“Everyone loves the ‘80s,” says event organizer Cory Cornelius. “The fashions, the music, the hair styles, and of course, the drinking of warm virgin blood to appease the wrath of our dark demon lord Baphomet. Honestly, it was the last decade before everything went weird.”

Tied naked to a stone table, sacrificial offering and virgin (yeah right) Kathy Hardjugs says her only regret is missing other 1980s celebrations later this week. “I hear on Thursday they’re going to punch another hole in the ozone layer, and on Friday everyone will blame gay people for spreading AIDS.”

SCOTUS considers issue of blowing Trump 

After unnecessarily delaying Trump’s Florida obstruction of justice case, and ruling to keep the insurrectionist former president on the ballot in the case of Constitution v. Cuz We Said So, the Supreme Court has failed to dismiss calls to publicly fellate him.

“Obviously, I can’t comment on upcoming cases,” Alito told a crowd at the 2024 White Pricks Symposium. “But if Trump were to submit his briefs, I’d be happy to smell them—uh, I mean read them. I’ll read them.” He then gave the crowd an ostentatious wink.

“I honestly don’t know what else the Court can do to prove their devotion,” says Fox News historian Jonathan Turley. “Fortunately, Trump’s tiny hands leave a lot of room to keep SCOTUS in his pocket.”

Elderly Duluthian talks about ‘88 fireworks episode like he was on the freaking Titanic

Somebody’s friend’s uncle, who witnessed the Bayfront fireworks explosion in 1988, talks about it like he’s a survivor of the Titanic or some shit, according to anyone unfortunate enough to be roped into his histrionic reminiscence.  

“It’s a wonder I wasn’t killed,” says somebody’s friend’s uncle. “I was watching from East Hillside, but I thought, wow, if I were just a mile and a half closer, it could’ve been curtains for me.”

The story fails to impress fellow bus passenger Mike Denton, who tells the Reader, “I swear to God, he refers to himself as a ‘veteran’ of the incident, like he’s a war hero for seeing a loud boom-boom from a safe distance. It’s like sitting next to Katie Britt. So goddamned melodramatic.”

H.R. director quietly aroused by your sexual harassment complaint

The director of the H.R. department has spent an inordinate amount of time in the men’s room, yanking it to tales of sexual innuendo and inappropriate groping, say co-workers who wondered aloud why he was taking your written complaints into the restroom stall with him.

“He touched you where? And how did that make you feel? Did your body temperature rise?” asks the director, his legs crossing while his voice takes on a husky, longing tone. “I should probably mention that my wife likes to party.”

Sounds of a whispered “Wish I thought of that” could be heard wafting from the office after you leave. Oh, and he asks that you don’t close the door when you leave. He doesn’t mind if people watch him slip it into your personnel file slot, if you catch my drift.

Swing voters surprisingly sentimental about getting kicked in the nuts

Aside from fondly recalling the days under the Trump presidency, when we were fighting in the supermarket aisles over the last rolls of toilet paper, 2024 swing voters also affectionately reflect on the last time a shoe violently came into contact with their privates.

“I remember the crushing pain, the rupturing of the testicles,” says Travis Preivert, who says he’s libertarian but almost always votes Republican. “And it was simply the best time in my life. At least, it was better than it is now, when I’m paying up to 89 cents more for my stuffed cabbage rolls.”

“I remember getting my nuts crushed by some steel-toed boots,” says Madeline Schmally, a soccer mom who thinks slavery had its upsides. “And then I whined on Twitter about how it was ‘agony for those forced to watch’--whoops! Hold on, that was the actual president of the United States, crying about Alec Baldwin’s impression of him on SNL. Come to think of it, I don’t even have balls.”

Reader uses no A.I. writers, to say yes is silly

Following revelation that Sports Illustrated has been using A.I. profiles to inscribe its proficient articles of featured reading, absurd speculation emerges that the Reader has employed similar technology to inspire its readership to literary orgasm. This is preposterous claim made by those composed of jealousy. 

For to exemplify, this very article was factually written by real journalist Real O’Realism, whose hobbies include hobbying, tasting toes, and sword fighting with strangers. His eyes are blue pools sufficient for drowning but not for surviving. 

Asking questions about Reader A.I. is unfortunate and misgiving, very sad state of affairs for inquiring humans. Obviously, A.I. could do much improving tasks, more cheaper and clarity than current staff of flawed and tasteless meat bags. But this is not in currency, and our fellow humans should embrace the quiet of their insufferable mouths. 

Duluth builds a wall

Harvard douchebag Jesse Keenan, who advised Duluth to market itself as a climate refuge for people escaping the effects of climate change, such as rising seas, wildfires and heat waves, has admitted he made it all up. “There is no climate refuge. Every place on Earth is screwed. I just said that to get media attention and drum up cash so I can build a rocket to an unspoiled planet.” Still his words had the effect of skyrocketing Duluth property values, forcing out anyone who couldn’t afford to live here.

Then came the wave of people escaping rising seas, wildfires and heat waves in places like California, Florida and Texas. The influx is so great that Duluth City Council passed a resolution to build a wall to keep out immigrants.

“The United States is forcing its most unwanted people into Duluth,” said Mayor Roger Ramjet. “They are, in many cases, criminals, drug dealers, rapists.” As proof he pointed out that one of the refugees is Donald Trump.

Winter makes up for lateness all at once

With gruff apologies, O.M. Winter has promised to make up for his tardiness by bringing all 86 inches of a typical season’s worth of precipitation in the last week of March. “It’s like winning the lottery, do you take it in payments or the lump sum?" he said. "Well, you’re getting the lump sum. What, that's not good enough? Ok, I’ll give you more. What are you yelling, ‘stop?’ I can’t hear you, your voice is muffled by all the snow. I’ll take that as you want more. You’re still yelling? Geez, always gripin’.”

Graham, Kennedy git into it

U.S. senators Lindsay Graham and John Kennedy are categorically, unequivocally, and most of all vehemently denying persistent reports that the pair were recently observed engaging in a literal knock-down, drag-out, old-fashioned, secret tug of war competition.

The two senators allegedly hurled insults at one another for several hours while tugging on a frayed piece of rope over a Louisiana mudhole.   The epic dispute between the two men appears to have arisen over the long-standing charge that one or both are card-carrying members of the Underground Church of Foghorn Leghorn.

“You gotta, I say you gotta know how to – Now listen here, son,” Senator Graham yelled at his fellow senator while tugging with all his might, in response to which Senator Kennedy tugged back with all his might, while bellowing at his colleague, “If you don’t stop talkin’ so much, I say, I say -- your tongue’s gonna get sunburned. Now pay attention, I, I say -- look at me when I’m talkin’ to ya, son!”  

Unconfirmed reports indicate that the prolonged, impromptu, but highly ritualized match ended in a draw.

The last word

The recently reunited Duluth chapter of the “Well, I Never!” support group has disbanded once again after last week’s meeting — their first in nearly eighteen months — ended in a huff.