SAGITTARIUS – November 21-December 21

If you have read my columns before, you know that I go in for the kill on the astrological signs I write about. It’s all intended for fun and folly, but I spare nothing, and am confident in my descriptions of the people who encompass the 12 signs of the zodiac. And then comes Sagittarius; a free, adventurous spirit who thrives on new ideas, imaginative and clever, straightforward and honest, versatile and endearing with a great sense of humor. Sagittarians are wonderful storytellers and born entertainers. In essence, they are the nicest friends and most likeable sign of the zodiac.

I seriously have to stop! I’m making myself sick. It wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t trounce Sag’s as much as the other signs I write about, so here goes… Even though they appear to breeze through life, being in the right place at the right time, they can be insufferable. There IS such a thing as too much optimism. “Okely dokely, neighbor,” says a beaming Ned Flanders to an apathetic Homer. Ned is the quintessential Sagittarian – frustratingly happy and impossibly cheerful!

Has our world gotten so jaded and cynical that we actually can’t handle these people? BUT, (and that’s an awfully big butt, Simone) Reference to another amazingly cheerful and frustrating persona – Pee Wee. Actually I adore him and his big adventures – moving on…

Back to these Sagittarians. I am on to them. I think they know damn well what they’re doing. I mean, seriously, who can be that cluelessly ambivalent in the face of all this doom and gloom. I am going to do a study and link child pornography, bestiality and sex slavery to Sagittarians (their alter egos, of course.) Let’s see, in reality they are drunks, cheaters, drug users and constitute a large population of the homeless. Sagittarians have a tendency to put on weight as they get older, so you could start out with an Angelina Jolie, and end up with a Rosie O’Donnell. Just sayin’.

In women, the weight unfortunately seems to settle on the hips and thighs, so “Baby got back!” This just might be the sign of the drunk – susceptible to overuse of alcohol, taxing an already sensitive liver. Suffering from multiple chronic “aches and pains,” they can turn into highly fueled “Bitch factories,” promising the Moon to people they care about and usually delivering SQUAT.  They would, of course, call themselves experimenters, but they are really just restless pricks, flitting from flower to flower like a deranged Amy Brown fairy. Sure, they don’t look like they give a rat’s ass about their failings, but I think it is just a RUSE, a diabolical scheme, a “cover” for what’s really going on with these pasty-faced bastards.

All Sagittarian women love horses. Interesting. I’ll let your own dirty, non-Sagittarian mind wander here. Storytellers would say that Sagittarians have a chronic case of “wanderlust” – the need for new adventures and changes of scenery. I think they just wander and simply lust.

An endearing sense of humor? Listen to a Sagittarian at the water cooler at work as they tell the most recent racist joke, or imply that your Mother has larger than life body orifices. Yeah, they’re funny all right. It’s hard for these fiery spirits to live in a world of boundaries and limitations. They often try to avoid personal responsibility and don’t want any limits imposed on their freedom – “DON’T TAZE ME, BRO!”

They can be profoundly intolerant and don’t suffer fools gladly. In spite of the fact that they have a capacity of great understanding, they can nevertheless be extremely self-righteous in their absolute conviction – Sheldon Cooper, anyone?

On the positive side, they are in the epic struggle to discover the meaning of life – the positive thinkers of the zodiac. Even if they have overcommitted themselves or taken a risk, they usually manage to pull the rabbit out of the hat. Picture Geraldo Rivera in his great tunnel discovery live on television, and then, wait for it, SQUAT! He still managed to recover and make a half-assed story out of it. Sheldon, Ned Flanders, Pee Wee, Geraldo, Sally Field (you like me, you really like me!) the list could go on.

Oh, wait, Data playing that rocket scientist down in the tunnels of Area 51 in the movie Independence Day with the Farrah slacks, pocket protector and the stribble box hair. “As you can imagine, they don’t let us out much.” All of these wonderful people exhibit the traits of the Sagittarian. They are always looking for opportunities to broaden their scope and to enlarge their consciousness. Perhaps their faith in a positive outcome becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. We can only hope.  

SAGITTARIAN POWER DAYS: November 21, December 2,3,4  

THINGS SUCK FOR SAGS: December 15,16,17  

MENTAL CLARITY: December 4   Till we meet again…    

Lady Ocalat is a Professional Astrologist, Reiki Master, Minister, and Tarot Reader. She can be reached at 218-722-2240, or at Lady Ocalat’s Emporium in downtown Duluth. ladyocalat.com