VIRGO   August 23-September 21     

Element:  Earth Quality:   Mutable. Moods go from cranky, to critical, to bitchy.

Symbol:  The Virgin (they wish)

Ruler: Mercury…the planet of flat out bluntness, whether you want to hear it or not.

Favorite Pastime:  Worrying

Role Model:  Felix Unger 

Dream Job:  Organizer of ANYTHING.

Key Phrase:   “You’re doing it wrong.”

Body Part: Nervous system – thus, the stubby, bleeding fingernails.  

Virgo, the sixth sign of the zodiac, lives in the House of Service and Health. If I was to play nice, I would tell you that Virgos are modest, kind, very logical, discriminating, and fastidious. But that would be lying.

The more accurate description of a Virgo might reveal an anal, self-absorbed, fussy asshole, who criticizes everyone, and comes across holier than thou, and cheap as hell!  

The Gemini has the same ruling planet as the Virgo, but WHOA!  There’s a big difference between the two signs, as Mercury is trapped in Earth in the sign of Virgo, where its energy becomes critical and irritable. Oh, yeah…Virgos WISH they could be easy breezy like the Gemini, but they fret over EVERYTHING with their feet stuck firmly in the mud.  

What is it with these Virgo people? They are compelled to heal the sick, save the sinful, and correct everyone’s spelling. You can’t run from them. They will give you torrents of unsolicited advice, acting like your 3rd grade teacher, and just about as bright.  

“Hey, let’s go to the beach!” you say. Forget it. The Virgo has to have plenty of advance warning to pack all of the sundries they would need for the day….bug spray, suntan lotion, umbrella (it could rain), shovel (you could get buried in a sandstorm on the beach), Bowie knife (they might have to cut themselves free of KILLER SEAWEED)….you get the idea. They are NOT spontaneous…..at all! In fact, spontaneity pisses them off.  What? On another note, of all the signs of the zodiac, Virgo is the least likely to admit they screwed up. They have been born and blessed with the “nothing-ever-good-enough” gene. It has made them unable to relax and enjoy life’s surprises. They will NEVER admit they’re wrong.

A Virgo man is faithful, and thoughtful, and cool-headed should the shit hit the fan….think Sean Connery. He is born with a superior attitude, and an eye for improving everything except his own behavior. He is relentless in his fault-finding, and can be the classic chauvinist. At his best, he is insufferably predictable. He has his own peculiar thought pattern.

Many Virgo men are unable to utter a sensible statement. If you argue with him, he’ll stare at you as if you’ve lost your mind, for he can’t believe you dared to disagree. He will then repeat, word for word, the conversation, question, or disagreement that led you to explode. Soon, you will feel as if ants are crawling through  your brain, and will apologize just to shut him the hell up. He may appear to be calm, cool, and collected on the outside, but on the inside he’s pure Felix Unger. The effeminate, priggish, germ-phobic half of The Odd Couple is a classic example of the Virgo male. 

In his unyielding efforts to save slob Oscar from his boorish ways, Felix totally lost sight of his own obnoxious behavior. His deodorant spraying, dust rag-flapping, nonstop derision of Oscar’s lifestyle…coupled with his melodramatic hypochondria…is totally Virgo. Don’t expect romance from your Virgo man. Dinner by candlelight will bring the complaint that he can’t see what he’s eating. Emotional scenes baffle and alarm him, because he fears losing control. Like Mr. Spock, too much unbridled passion makes his brain melt.  

The Virgo woman is kind, caring, and very real. Her exterior may seem calm but her feelings are delicate, and she needs someone intelligent, considerate, and warm-hearted. She believes in true love, and is discriminating enough to wait until she finds it. That’s why there are so many Virgo “Old Maids”.   Queen Elizabeth 1, the Virgin Queen, reigned alone as England’s monarch for 44 years. Elizabeth nitpicked her way to spinsterhood as only a female Virgo can.  

If you manage to survive the Virgo woman’s checklist of “Partnership Virtues” (it’s a long one), you will soon find yourself in a kind of unattainable perfection hell. She’s critical….she’ll analyze you….she’ll critique you…..she’ll count the number of peas you eat. Tell this Virgin Virgo you’re picking her up at 8, and pray to your every loving God that you are there on time. Enough said.  

Although she considers herself well-organized and tidy, your home with a Virgo woman will look as if Pirates have just ransacked it….she’s far too busy making her “to do” list to do anything else. If she’s pissed…just apologize. Trust me, you can’t ever win anyway, so just do yourself a favor and get it over with or you will be gutted stern to spleen, and roasted over a bed of hot coals….I’m not really kidding here.  

A Virgo woman is full of passion, so don’t give up if you have one in your sights. You just have to work your way through the terrycloth robe, nightgown, socks, Vicks, and cold cream.   The Virgo then, is the sign of the Scribe, the Prosecuting Attorney, Mimic, Despot, and anything with Critic in the title. They are very intelligent, but can’t make practical use of their knowledge. They’ll spend Saturday afternoon rearranging their medicine cabinet.  

When Leo wants a war, the Virgo verbally shuts them down. The Virgo won’t waste their time on the childish antics of Aries or Sagittarius. Virgos will freeze the water signs in their emotional tracks, and Gemini and Aquarius can’t “out-sarcasm” the Virgo. Self-indulgent Libra can’t measure up to Virgo’s standards. The fellow Earth signs, though…Taurus and Capricorn understand the Virgo and each other on a soul level and will do fine.  

Important to remember: Virgos are creatures of habit, so don’t try for a quickie on the kitchen table. Keep your body fit and your mind alert. Virgo appreciates intellect, and doesn’t like surprises. With a little kindness, an honest, but gentle approach, and lots of TLC, you and your Virgo will keep the home fires burning!  

GOOD DAYS:  August 25, 26, 27

DIFFICULT DAYS: September 7, 8, 9

ROMANCE: September 5