Reader 2021 April Fools’ Edition
Ore ship blocks Keith Nelson’s canal
St. Louis County Commissioner Keith Nelson has explained his penchant for derogatory comments and general foul temperament to a blockage in his alimentary canal.
“Doctor found it there last week,” he said. “Soon as I get it cleared out, I’ll be all sunshine and sweetness.”
The source of the blockage has been identified as the ore ship John B. Sails, which is stuck sideways in Nelson’s canal. The vessel was retired in 2007 and has been missing ever since.
Around that time, Nelson started making odd comments like, “If the people in my district had voted for slavery and the vast majority had, and I was representing them, then the answer is yes, I would have voted for it.”
More recently, Nelson referred to Duluth when he said, “I desperately try not to put my nose into this cesspool when I don’t have to.”
“I am not going to apologize for saying it,” Nelson said later. “I do love being reminded how offensive I am.”
His doctor concurred, and cited Nelson’s general offensiveness as the reason why it’s so difficult to remove the blockage.
“I desperately try not to put my nose into this cesspool when I don’t have to,” the doctor said.
New ordinance governs Bob Dylan Way
Since 2006 Duluth has had the “Bob Dylan Way,” a 1.8 mile stretch along Michigan and Superior streets and London Road to commemorate the fact that the Nobel Prize-winning poet and musician was born in this city.
Most people still know this area only as a loading zone and bus route, so the City of Duluth has passed an ordinance to increase its visibility. From now on, everyone who travels the route will be required to talk like Bob Dylan.
“It shouldn’t be that … haaaaard,” said Mayor Lemily Arson. “Everyone ‘round here already likes to make fun of the … baaaaard. So Duluth, it’s time to play your Dylan .... caaaaaard.”
She cited a USA Today poll which ranks Dylan as the second-most vocally imitated celebrity, after Arnold Schwartzenegger.
The city website will offer online tutorials which lay out Dylan’s classic rhymes, pauses and breathy style.
For older residents who are unfamiliar with Dylan, there are clips of Floyd the Barber from The Andy Griffith Show, whose speaking manner was passably similar to Dylan, up until the actor, Howard McNear, had a stroke midway through season three, following which he sounded arguably more like Peter Lorre.
Duluth Parking Services will have jurisdiction to hand out tickets to people who imitate Dylan poorly. Simply mumbling incoherently does not cut it.
Law enforcement want to play with their toys
Local law enforcement from the Twin Ports and surrounding counties announce that every time something dire happens, they will haul out their armored vehicles and grenade launchers and have officers strut around the neighborhood with tommy guns, sniper rifles, riot gear and camouflage because they spent millions of dollars of taxpayers money on this paramilitary shit and they’re gonna use every opportunity to show it off, by cracky.
In addition, Duluth Police want an unlimited supply of dogs. At the current rate they need a new one every year, since they keep sending in the pooches to attack suspects who may or may not be armed because that’s the only possible way to deal with these dicey situations, apparently. Each dog wears a memorial vest bearing the names of its predecessors. Police also need an increased budget to cover the increasingly frequent dog funeral processions.
Police want the rules changed so they have the right to fire their weapons through closed doors should they hear noises that might be construed as gunfire or anything else that might cause them to fear for their lives. Said noises include slamming doors, rap music and really loud farts.
Duluth school children will be trained not only how to cope with active shooter situations, but how to behave around police, like not carrying toys or cell phones that might remotely look at a distance like weapons.
In 2017, following the shootings of Philando Castile and Justine Ruszczyk by Minneapolis Police officers, signs started appearing around town saying, “Warning! Twin Cities Police Easily Startled.” The signs were put up by an unknown smartass, but Duluth has taken the hint and will officially post its own versions of the signs.
“It’s necessary to protect the citizenry,” said Police Chief Spike Tusk. “From us.”
Sheriff’s candidate assures us he’s not a Nazi
Chalsh Wad, who’s running for St. Louis County Sheriff, denies he’s a Nazi despite that fact that he has a swastika tattooed on his forehead.
Wad, who owns a gun shop called Kill ‘Em All, said he was unaware of the connection between the symbol and the Third Reich, or any contemporary fascist groups.
“It’s one of the oldest symbols in the world,” Wad said. “To the Greeks it meant perpetual motion, for early Christians it was victory over death, and to American Indians it meant healing, and Hindus and Buddhists use it for the universal dance.”
Wad’s wife privately told this reporter, “I thought it was a symbol for an asshole so I told him he ought to get it stamped on his face.”
Marjory Taylor Green named Woman of the Year
ESCARGOT (Endangered Species Consumers And Republican Gourmet Orangutan Tasters) has named Marjory Taylor Green as their Woman of the Year Awardee.
In their official statement, President Joshua P. Eaglesnarfer remarked: “Failing to get enough gorillas for our traditional Gumsmacking Gorilla Gumbo, we had hoped to have roasted elephant for our annual dinner and soiree, using the elephant shot by Donald Trump Jr. But the Trumps had already had that elephant gilded and mounted at Mara Lago, where it serves as the fountain centerpiece.”
Ms. Green then offered to bring in a black rhino for the barbecue, and set about to get one. She first went to Iraq, where she was certain a few must be left wandering around after Noah’s Ark landed. After shooting four camels and an Arabian stallion, someone showed her a picture of a rhino and told her her best bet was still Africa.
Luckily, while she was in the Mideast, she happened upon a urine-stained fig leaf, which she determined was the one Adam used before he learned about personal hygiene. She is presently having it checked for Adam’s DNA.
With the help of native poachers, she was able to find an unprotected rhino, and she promptly opened fire with her semi-automatic assault rifle. Several times, in fact.
“The result was that, instead of the rhino steaks we had been looking forward to, we had to make do with rhinoburgers,” Eaglesnarfer said.
Green is offering to make up for this discrepancy by forcing the FBI to list George Soros as Public Enemy No. 1, and to declare open season on such socialists as Chris Christie. She is also inviting everyone to her reverse Satanic ritual in her backyard, where she plans to sacrifice several bald eagles.
Sen. Johnson assaulted by ‘respectful, white’ muggers
Washington, DC. – Sen. Ron Johnson (Q-WI) was assaulted and mugged on Saturday by individuals whom he described as “patriotic, law-abiding, and very, very white.”
Johnson was deservedly punched in the face multiple times, breaking teeth out of the mouth he often reserves for spreading racism or Russian talking points. Despite this, Johnson refuses to press charges, explaining that “their milky-white skin told me that they were patriots who respected the law, respected me personally, and respected the supremacy of the Aryan race.”
Even though he now suffers from multiple lacerations, Johnson is unconcerned about his missing cash and credit cards. “I knew I was never in any real danger,” says the know-nothing asshat. “I’m not sure why. Perhaps it was their delicious whiteness, or maybe their total lack of melanin.”
Vaccinated introverts struggle with new excuses to miss your lame party
Although happy to be vaccinated, and thus unlikely to get COVID-19, local hermit Doug Notegzist bemoans the fact that he must now come up with new excuses to avoid hanging out with you, especially at those awkward parties you throw, where everyone’s reduced to playing board games after the weed runs out.
“Before the vaccine, I could just say, sorry, man, there’s a plague going around,” says Doug, erasing his text for the eighth time as he considers a reply to an invitation to your kid’s recital. “But now, I only have so many dead grandmas whose fake funerals I have to attend, you know what I’m saying?”
The dread is shared with other introverts like Gary resident Gary Resident. “I’ve been relying on COVID to keep me from your vapid open-mic poetry reading,” says Resident, “but now this miracle cure in my body for a potentially fatal disease has brought me nothing but misery.”
When asked if he’ll be attending your wedding this summer, Resident says, “Oh, Jesus, just put me on a ventilator, already. I’ll rip a lung out myself to avoid that nightmare.”
Cancer survivor now just a major pain in the ass
Once it was clear that his chemotherapy was successful and that he would recover from his sarcoma, Duluth resident Lee Harvey Oswald (no relation) went back to reminding everyone that he’s a total asshole.
“Yeah, I felt sorry for him when I thought he might be dying,” says his wife Ozzy. “But now he just sits in his bed all day, watching OAN and pissing in a jar. Sadly, I’d already deleted my divorce attorney’s number from my phone, so nothing can be done now.”
His son Cobblepot has reached a similar conclusion. “We were estranged, but I gave up my career as a screenwriter for Fox and flew in from California to reunite. Honestly, I just thought it was polite to hold his hand while he died, but listening to him talk about how election integrity was compromised by inner-city black people, I remembered why I smashed his Jeff Dunham CDs and stormed out the door.”
Oswald defended himself by saying, “Hey, I just survived cancer! You have to be nice to me. Now sit down for three hours and let me do my one-man show that includes my really offensive Chinaman impression.”
Study: Justin Bieber must be talented
A new study from the Empire Beauty School has concluded that Justin Bieber could be famous only out of artistic merit, and not by cynical industry monsters looking to prop up mediocre talent.
“It just makes sense,” says cosmetologist Grace Onanieren from her side hustle as a Door Dash driver.
“There’s simply no other reason than this white-noise garbage could be pulling down tens of millions of dollars for record executives unless it’s something that an unskilled plebeian like myself just doesn’t have ears sophisticated enough to understand.”
“It’s simply unthinkable that this could be the product of money and media hype,” agrees the study’s co-author, Jane Masturbazzjoni. “If only we all could be as musically talented as Bieber. Although I’m pretty sure everyone is, including my brain-damaged monkey, who constantly bangs on a pot.”
Confused Howie Hanson supporters storm Fitger’s
Supporters of failed 2015 mayoral candidate Howie Hanson stormed Fitger’s Brewery on Wednesday, presumably to overthrow the current mayor Emily Larson, although the motive wasn’t entirely clear by press time.
Hanson, who garnered only a little more than 700 votes during the 2015 primary season, did not proceed to that year’s general election, though that did not stop his supporters from claiming fraud six years after its conclusion.
“People think we’re stupid,” says self-proclaimed “Howie-head,” Ternmeon Deddman, 54, of Piedmont Heights. “People think that we’re slow, possibly mentally disturbed, and that our brains consist primarily of compost and used toilet wipes.”
The Non-Reader waited for Deddman to continue, but apparently he was done.
Fortunately, there were no injuries from the siege, although a Fitger’s spokesman pointed out that “they did succeed at being total d-bags. And one of them ate a bar of soap off a rack at the Duluth Kitchen Co., possibly mistaking it for an ice cream bar.”
Cancel culture amok: Mein Kampf banned from Duluth Kindergarten
A group of outraged parents gathered outside Woodlake Elementary School after learning that Hitler’s classic treatise Mein Kampf would not be taught to their barely literate children.
“The PC crowd has struck again,” says enraged activist Carlson Tucker. “Why, when I was growing up, we kids all looked forward to reciting by heart Hitler’s plan to remove Slavs and the Marxists from the East. Nowadays, you ask kids for one tenet from the second volume, Die Nationalsozialistische Bewegung, and they look at you like they haven’t even heard of Aryan blood purification.”
Kindergarten teacher and every Facebook account you’ve declined to accept as a friend, Smith Mary, offers this tepid excuse: “Other than that one time in 1953, Mein Kampf was never taught in Duluth Kindergartens. We really have enough on our plate getting the kids to stop eating paste.”
Fauci reverses mask stance upon learning that YouTube exists
Washington D.C. – Dr. Anthony Fauci, long believed an expert on virology, reversed his position on masks last Thursday upon seeing a series of YouTube videos forwarded to him by a spinster in South Dakota whose teeth were clearly lost to meth.
Fauci now says that “it turns out masks are not only ineffective, they are tools by
the Deep State and China to spread the disease more, and we should be building statues to honor those people who have shit-fits in grocery stores, for they are the true warriors of freedom.”
The reversal comes after Fauci admits, “My mistake was graduating first in my class at Cornell University Medical College, and then winning several prestigious awards while working for the National Institute of Health, when what I should have been doing is watching these videos by geniuses like HughBonner69 and NoVaxxman123 – people who are so intelligent, they didn’t even have to graduate from community college to learn absolutely everything about infectious diseases.”
Fauci was excoriated by Sen. Rand Paul last month on mask efficacy, which Fauci now concedes he deserved. “I should have known that an ophthalmologist smart enough to certify himself by a board he created, to say nothing of having that hairdo, would always know what the hell he’s talking about.”
Republicans propose truth and reconciliation commission
Leading Republican’s today announced a plan to heal the country using a Truth and Reconciliation Commission. Republican National Committee chair-woman Ronna Romney McDaniel said, “Our nation has been torn in half by extreme partisan and cultural divisions. A house divided can not stand. We must come together as a people to heal the wounds of the last four years.”
Senator Mitch McConnell announced he will begin an immediate moratorium on partisan bickering. He will give President Joe Biden the traditional one year “honeymoon period.”
McConnell said, “All elected representatives are decent people of good faith. We can all work together for the good of the American people. There are simply too many pressing problems, especially with the Corona virus pandemic, to waste time with partisan politics.”
The commission will conduct “listening sessions” at Camp David in which lawmakers from both parties will attend small groups, facilitated by experienced mediators, to discuss issues and find common ground.
The 29 Republican members of the House “Freedom Caucus” said they would boycott the Camp David meetings. Rep Tom Tiffany (R- WI) said, “Listening to one’s opponent and seeking reasonable compromise is a slippery slope to socialism. This is the first step toward a communist takeover of our country.” Rep. Marjorie Taylor Green (R- CO) said she would be “packing heat” when she attends Commission sponsored events. She said, “No wuss liberals are going to take away my 2nd Amendment right to defend myself and to endanger everyone else.”
Despite this opposition many observers are optimistic our national leadership can learn to behave like adults.
Sen. Ted Cruz has ‘Road to Damascus’ conversion
Senator Ted Cruz held a press conference to announce his conversion to liberalism. He recently took a plane to Cancun to escape the Texas blizzard. According to Sen. Cruz he had an in-flight “come to Jesus” experience. Cruz explained that while finishing his third “complimentary” martini in the first class section, he was blinded by a bright flash of light outside the plane window. He then heard the Lord saying,
“Ted, Ted, why do you persecute me? Hear ye the commands of your Lord. Administer true justice. Show mercy and compassion to others. Do not oppress the widow or the fatherless, the foreigner or the poor. Do not plot evil against others. He who, in my name, gives even a glass of the cold water to one of these shall be blessed.”
Senator Cruz explained that he was struck dumb for the rest of the flight. On landing in Cancun he immediately returned to Texas to announce his conversion to liberalism. He says he will dedicate his life to serving others, promoting healthcare for all, resettling asylum seekers fleeing oppression, and helping former President Obama to finally get his birth certificate.
Taylor Swift sued by beautiful landscapes for image infringement
Following a copyright-infringement lawsuit by the Utah Evermore Park for her album Evermore, singer Taylor Swift now faces a lawsuit by several U.S. landscapes, who believe that having unparalleled beauty was their idea, and Swift’s unquestionable magnificence now threatens their careers.
“Who’s going to see me now, when they can stay at home and gaze at the glory that is Taylor Swift?” asks a distraught Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, which has seen a massive decline in tourist visits since the release of 1989.
“Being a glorious vista of awe-inspiring splendor was my thing until she turned 17,” whines Niagara Falls, which have also had to come to grips with being visually inferior to Swift’s unmatched grandeur.
“How am I supposed to compete with that flawless pinnacle of natural achievement? How?!” Niagara Falls then begins weeping, though it’s kind of hard to tell, because, you know, waterfalls and all.
The lawsuit is joined by the Glacier National Park, the Smoky Mountains, and the Rock of Gibraltar, among several others. It is expected to fail, not because Taylor clearly stole all their beauty and coalesced it into an object of blonde perfection, but because, let’s face it, the chick’s loaded.
Government wants to know what makes you think it wants to track your sorry ass
Word is that you refuse to get a COVID vaccine because you think it contains a microchip by which the government will track you. In response to your concern, the government said, “We regret to inform you that you’re not that big of a deal.”
“We have neither the time nor inclination to follow your aimless wandering to Wal-Mart, Burger King or the bathroom,” the government went on. “A chip might be useful if you did something nefarious like storm the Capitol, but the data would be redundant since you’d rat yourself out by posting selfies and your ex-girlfriend would tip us off besides.”
The government said that if it really wanted to track you, which it really doesn’t since you have what might politely be described as an annoying personality, it already can do so through your cellphone from which you are physically inseparable.
NASA: Only 3 percent of Mars rover images are dick pics
Houston, TX. NASA scientists announced sadly this week that, while the Mars rover Perseverance returned many photos of rocks and dirt, only 3 percent of the images contained penises, bringing an end to any hope that life could exist on the barren planet.
“For any life to exist, we would expect, at minimum, a return of at least 15-20% dick pics,” explains NASA astrophysicist Neal Brassballs Thickson. “But at only 3 percent, Mars clearly lacks the amount of unsolicited dangling schlongs necessary for life to thrive.”
Thickson says that it is unlikely that future dick pics will emerge “unless we send it to a bowling party with Lauren Boebert’s husband. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, google it. But not during lunch.”
‘Waking Life’ divides nation
America is suffering from a seemingly insurmountable gulf between conservatives and liberals, Republicans and Democrats, and Trumpies and … what do you call them, “Bidenies?” Or not, since “Bidenies” sounds like “bite the knees.” Maybe “Bidenites” or “Bidentures.” Keep laughing, Trumpies, your name sounds like a terrible breakfast cereal.
Along comes another front which is tearing apart friends, families and neighbors: the 2001 cult film “Waking Life,” directed by Richard Linklater. It’s about “a young man who wanders through a succession of dream-like realities wherein he encounters a series of individuals who engage in insightful philosophical discussions,” according to Wikipedia. The entire film is rotoscoped, in which real-life actors are filmed and their scenes painted over by animators.
According to a scientific poll conducted by this reporter among 35 Facebook friends, 49 percent of the nation really gets the movie and say it gives voice to their own thoughts. However, 51 percent say watching it is like listening to their stoner roommate ramble on.
Ninety-six percent of the respondents say they have not seen the film, but those results have been discounted.
Duluth Pack CEO says you just don’t understand
Duluth Pack CEO Tom Sega says the people who protested his hosting of Ivanka Trump are missing the point.
President Trump’s daughter visited the formerly respected outdoor equipment manufacturer in July 2020 for the ostensible purpose of promoting her meaningless Pledge to the America’s Workers. That the visit took place a few months before the election was pure coincidence, Sega said.
He also deflected the claim that the Trump Administration threatened, with its slash-and-burn environment policies and its renewal of copper-nickel mining leases near the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness, the very wilderness that is the basis of Duluth Pack’s business.
“That’s all beside the point,” Sega said. “The point is that, well, I was a traveling salesman and I liked Duluth Pack because there was money to be made so I bought the company, but I really don’t like the outdoors. I claim to for PR purposes, but I really just hate all those flowers, bugs, chirping birds and especially the mooses. The mooses scare me.”
The ghost of Camille Poirier, the French-Canadian immigrant who founded Duluth Pack in 1882, has been haunting Sega for besmirching the company’s good name, calling him “tête de noeud” (knothead), “roi des cons” (king of idiots) and “pig dog” (pig dog).
Kentucky election reform effort gets bipartisan backing
In states such as Georgia and Arizona, there are fierce partisan battles going on right now over voting proposals. But in Kentucky’s Republican-led legislature, a bill to boost voter access and election security has gotten widespread support from both parties.
The proposal would preserve some of the policies Kentucky implemented last year to ensure voter access during the corona virus pandemic, including a short period during which people can vote early, and allowing people to “cure” mail-in ballots that were improperly signed.
Before the pandemic, Kentucky had some of the most restrictive election laws in the country. But last year, Democratic Gov. Andy Beshear and the Republican Secretary of State Micheal Adams temporarily changed that, to try and reduce crowds on Election Day.
For the first time ever, every Kentucky voter could vote by mail or vote early if they were concerned about contracting the virus, and it led to record-high voter turnout. That left lawmakers wondering if they should keep the temporary provisions for which there was consensus.
Republican state Rep. Jennifer Decker is the main sponsor of the bill moving through the legislature. She says, “We understand that we have got to have the fairest and freest election we can put together.”
Kentucky Republicans could pass an election reform bill without Democrats. The GOP controls three-quarters of the seats in the legislature. But Democrats are lining up in support of the legislation.
The Republican secretary of state, Michael Adams, said the bill made him proud to be a Kentuckian.
“In many other states right now, legislatures are debating restricting access of their voters to the ballot. Not here in Kentucky,” Adams told lawmakers. “What you all are debating today, and hopefully considering, is actually making it easier for our voters to vote.” (APRIL FOOL’S! This last item is not fake news. It is a real story from National Public Radio, March 9, 2021.)