“I am aware, Clark Kent, is your password.

“I require your complete attention for the coming 24 hours, or I may make you sure that you live out your shame for the rest of your existence.

“Hi, you do not know me personally. But I know all the things regarding you your personal fb contact list, phone contact lists plus all the online activity in your computer from the past 116 days. Including, your masturbation video, which brings me to the main motive why I composing this specific mail to you.

“Well the previous time you went to the sexually graphic online sites, my malware was activated inside your computer which ended up recording a beautiful footage of yourself pleasure play by activating your Web Cam. (you got a really unusual preference by the way lamo.)

“I own the full recording. If you think I am messing around, just reply proof and I will be forwarding the recording randomly to 11 people you are friends with. It could be your friends, coworkers, boss, parents (I don’t know! My software will randomly select the contact details)

“Will you be capable to look into anyone’s eyes again after it? I question that…

“But, doesn’t necessarily need to be that path

“I would like to make you a one time, non negotiable offer.

“By USD 2000 and bit coin and send them on the below address:

“1C9o3WyXTHvbpR*eJK5iwP6GKtRQicwwM7B [Case-sensitive so copy & paste it, and remove * from it]

“(If you do not understand how, look online how to acquire bit coin. Do not waste my precious time)

“If you do send this particular ‘donation” (we will call it that?) Immediately after that, I will go away and under no circumstances contact you again I will get rid of everything I have in relation to you. You may keep on living your normal day to day life with absolutely no stress.

“You have 24 hours to do so. Your time starts off as soon as you read this e mail. I have one of a kind program code that will inform me as soon as you go through this email so do not attempt to act smart.”

When Dickie sent me this extortion note last week he/she/it got one thing right, sort of. Clark Kent* was my go-to password over and over for better than 10 years on the Internet against all good advice to the contrary.

Did I want to order a Bonsai tree from Colorado? – type in Clark Kent to establish an account.

Did I want a day’s online pass for the Seattle Newspaper? – Clark Kent.

My guess is that Dickie picked up a raft of passwords, including mine, from a data breach at Target, Equifax, Linkedin, Ebay or the National Security Agency.

I furrowed my brow a quarter century ago when I got my first awkwardly worded email from a Nigerian phisher of the credulous. He needed my help recovering his kleptocratic father’s pilfered wealth from a Swiss bank account. If only I could give him a hand I’d share in millions of dollars. Oh, and he was an African prince. In the years since, hundreds of Nigerian princes sent me similar appeals.

I showed the email to my better half and apologized for my self-pleasuring videos. My better laughed when she read Dickie’s threat.

“If he knew you he’d know there is no way you could figure out how to do bit coin.”
That was true. The closest I’ll ever get to bit coin was an episode of the Big Bang Theory. Even it’s idiot savants, who discovered that their long forgotten bit coin “investment” had turned into millions, couldn’t figure out how to collect it. I was no savant. I was just an old duffer doomed to Dickie’s “nothing personal” humiliation.

I was a little PO’ed. I sent Dickie a reply asking him if he would like me to send him any more of my passwords. I know. I know. That was stupid. What I should have done was encourage him to phish Donald Trump’s twitter account.

If you haven’t heard the FBI, CIA and NSA are hellbent on removing Mr. Trump and have probably already compromised the security on all his Internet accounts.
I’m the one who should be “lmao.” (Note Dickie’s accronym above. He was laughing ass my off)

*Dear readers, While Mr. Berkowitz did discover an oft-used password of mine it wasn’t “Clark Kent.” If I can’t trust Dickie Berkowitz I probably shouldn’t trust you either.

Harry Welty confines his self-pleasuring mostly to tickling his keyboard at lincolndemocrat.com.