Northland News McNuggets
Duluth’s “can of worms” to be replaced with barrel of monkeys
Duluth, Minn. MNDOT has announced that it plans to begin construction of a new Lincoln Park highway in 2019 to replace the infamous “can of worms” with a new freeway system that experts are calling a “barrel of monkeys.”
“What really gets my goat,” says MNDOT spokeman Cheryl Crowe, “is not knowing who let the cat out of the bag. I mean, that’s kind of the elephant in the room. I think there’s a red herring floating around to give us the lion’s share of the blame if it turns into a load of hogwash.”
Mayor Emily Larson admit that “some constituents seems to have ants in the pants about this project. But the changes won’t hurt a fly, and everyone can just hold their horses, because it’s moving at a snail’s pace, so we can have all our ducks in a row and not fowl up that nest of vipers like a bull in a china shop.”
If the project is successful, Larson has promised to correct another Duluth eyesore, the infamous Miller Hill of Beans.
Dangerous new YouTube fad shows congressmen voting down gun reform
Following a trend on social media in which young people are shown eating laundry detergent, several U.S. congressmen have started their own dangerous trend, in which they film themselves voting against common-sense gun legislation.
“Look, look!” shouts Democratic Representative and gubernatorial nominee Tim Walz, as he points to his computer screen. “There’s me, voting to repeal an Obama-era regulation making it harder for mentally ill people to buy guns! Dear god, can you believe there’s really a chance I’ll be Minnesota’s next governor? It’s hilarious!”
The unbridled glee is shared by 7th district representative Collin Peterson, a leathery bag of gas who has voted against the Brady Law, the assault weapons ban, and against closing the gun-show loophole.
“Watch it in slow-mo,” urges Peterson, as he reviews footage of his votes to allow the private ownership of weapons later used to cause carnage in Las Vegas, Sandy Hook, Orlando, and countless other places. “You think eating detergent makes you throw up? Just think of all the dead children my votes helped facilitate, and then try eating that clam chowder! I dare you!”
Shockingly, the videos still get approval from large numbers of parents, even though guns are the third-leading cause of death of U.S. children, while the Tide-pod challenge has killed zero.
Panicked Democrats rush to nominate zombie Nixon
Knowing that impeachment is unlikely and that Trump is the odd-on favorite to win the 2020 presidential election, the DNC has responded to the imminent defeat by digging up and running the decomposed but supernaturally revived corpse of Richard Nixon.
“Nixon may have been Republican, but he’s clearly a Democrat now,” says House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi. “I mean, Nixon had shame. Remember that? Remember when a president was actually embarrassed by slush funds, election meddling or obstruction of justice?”
Pelosi also pointed to Nixon’s relatively progressive positions on gun control and the environment, adding, “The few brains he eats are a small price to pay to have a president who’s never even heard of Twitter.”
Not all Democrats are on board, including Senator Bernie Sanders, who denounced the party decision by saying, “What is the DNC thinking? Nixon consorted with a hostile foreign power to help him win the 1968 election. He was a total bigot who thought he could obstruct justice with impunity—aaaaand OK, I get it. I can see where they’re going with this now.”
Real witch-hunters bemoan treatment of Franken, Keillor
St. Paul, Minn. An organization tasked with the launching of false allegations of witchcraft against random citizens took to the Capitol steps to denounce the removal of Al Franken and Garrison Keillor from their respective positions.
“For centuries, we’ve been proud of making wild, unsubstantiated accusations,” says Robert Pizzagate (no relation), the current president of the American Witch-hunters Bureau. “But when I heard of Franken’s resignation, I was like, whoa, he wasn’t even tied to a concrete slab and thrown into a lake to see if he could float!”
The AWB was also offended by the Keillor firing. “Sure, Keillor should’ve been fired,” says Pizzagate, “but only because he drinks bat blood to keep his Satanic heart beating. You think Keillor’s still alive? Only if you consider the undead ‘alive’!”
When asked if the AWB should reconsider its own practices before condemning others, Pizzagate accused the press of hexing him with children’s bones to cause his infertility.
Thrice-divorced man calls for tolerance
Angora, Minn. During an Internet exchange on gun violence, a man who recently filed for his third divorce for “irreconcilable differences” urged fellow social-media posters to be more receptive of other people’s views.
“People don’t listen to each other any more,” complains Philbert Gaphney, whose first wife left him after citing emotional abuse. “We all need to get along, so we can peacefully co-exist.”
Gaphney quickly took the high ground in a Facebook exchange, something he perhaps learned after he forced his second wife out of their home following a domestic dispute. “The problem is that everybody is screaming at each other,” he says, “without realizing that they themselves are responsible for the over-heated rhetoric.”
In response, Rachel Gaphney, his estranged current wife, told the Reader, “And that, folks, is why I left that hypocritical, pompous asshole.”
Looming smelt shortage threatens Northland
The smelt run was an annual celebration of the 1960s and ‘70s, when the fish’s population in Lake Superior peaked and thousands of people harvested them by the buckload. But this spring thing is no longer much of a thing.
According to the Department of Smeltural Resources, their numbers have declined due to predation by increasing populations of lake trout, Pacific salmon and Ronald McDonald. Also, invasive species like smelt typically decline after the initial boom.
But according to the smelt themselves, they just prefer to go elsewhere.
“Duluth says it’s a cool city but Thunder Bay is cooler, so we’ll invade there,” said Slimeface McFinnius, organizer of the “Swim Smelt Swim!” underwater parade. “Besides, we’ve heard that ‘he who smelt it dealt it’ joke one too many times.”
Copper mining safe, says lead-eating executive
Hoyt Lakes, Minn. At a recent town-hall meeting on copper mining, an executive for Polymet assured locals that copper mining is safe as he chowed down on a large block of lead.
“Really, there’s nothing to make a fuss aboot, eh?” says Robert Fussaboot of the Canada-based mining company, lead flakes floating from his lips, before he takes another bite of the toxic, high-density metal in his hand. “Chemicals are found in nature, so therefore, everything you put in your body is natural.”
Fussaboot adds, “Apropos of nothing, I’ve been freebasing arsenic.”
Hoyt Lakes resident Yondu Bluman agrees that the environmental impact of copper mining will be minimal. “It’s more important to have jerbs, jerbs, jerbs,” says Bluman. “My doctor says I have only eight weeks to live, and I want to spend them in the most hazardous, life-shortening job possible. Also, I’m feeling a bit light-headed, so if I collapse before I reach the sidewalk, could someone plug the meter? Thanks.
Man eating last office donut claims food conservation
Duluth, Minn. The employee who ate the last donut in the break room concealed his gluttony by claiming that he was doing it for the sake of reducing food compost—you know, like he was doing everybody a favor or some stupid thing.
“Well, wouldn’t want to see this go to waste,” says Jared, who easily goes through sixty pounds of paper a month to print his pointless memos that no one reads, before stuffing the donut in his maw with the same reckless abandon that he displays when he pre-flushes the toilet in the men’s room.
“If you’re going to eat the last donut, just eat it,” says Margaret from accounting. “But don’t act like you’re a soldier jumping on a grenade to save the platoon from having to throw away a stale pastry item.”
As of press time, it was unclear if Jared’s selfless act of heroism earned him any promotion, or if the company will continue to reward people who eat donuts simply because they’re delicious.
John Menard leads fight for “1%” to gain minority status
John Menard, founder and owner of Menard’s, is calling into question the status of the 1% in our society.
“If 1% of Americans have 99% of the wealth, then why aren’t we being treated as well as minorities are in this country?” he asked at a speech in River Hills, Wis.
Menard has founded the group American Americans for Greater Equality to push this effort. It highlights the benefits of being a minority in the United States: media makes a specific point of having one minority shown, not being discriminated against based on how much money you have, and never worrying about being harassed by people seeking charitable donations.
Menard is the richest man in the state of Wisconsin with a net worth of approximately $10.5 billion. He said he feels so alone in Wisconsin, with no one to relate to how much money he has.
“Why is there never an overwhelmingly wealthy character on TV shows?” he asked the crowd. “It feels discriminatory there is no one I can relate to financially, and that people treat me differently when they google my net worth.”
He went on to assert the only reason he attended UW-Eau Claire was because he was rejected from Marquette University on the preconceived notions of who he was as a person because of his wealth. He also shared the tragic story that the Occupy Movement was clear hateful discrimination against the 1%.
Olympic curling team admits they were just janitors
Duluth, Minn. Although they brought home a gold medal from the 2018 Winter Olympics, members of the winning team admit that they believed themselves to be simply “sweeping up refuse” and were surprised to learn that curling was a sport.
“Honestly, we were just doing our job,” asserts team member Jon Polo, “which was to sweep up the mess left behind by these Canadian fellers. We were wondering why they left these huge, unsightly rocks on the ice.”
Chisholm native John Shuster shares his shock. “We were just cleaning up the stadium, and then there’s this huge cheer from the onlookers. We were like, what the hell? Sweeping up rocks is a sport? You can’t be serious!”
While content with their success, the team admits that it has had unintended consequences. “I’ve become downright paranoid,” claims Tyler George, now earning his keep by cleaning bathrooms at Maurice’s. “What’s next? Am I going to polish the toilets and find out I won the luge? I’m always looking over my shoulder for some schmuck with an Olympic torch to come jogging at me and nail me with another freaking medal.”
Don Ness Still Haunted by Unfilled Potholes
It has been two years since Don Ness was mayor of Duluth. And yet, he still lies awake at night thinking about all the potholes around Duluth that never got filled.
“The last couple of winters have been difficult not only for the people of Duluth but also for our roads,” he said to the Duluth News Tribune in 2014. “Potholes have been showing up like never before, and we have a lot of work to do.”
But that work was never truly completed. He tries to rationalize the situation. This isn’t his problem anymore. He did everything he could. He shivers and whispers to himself, “But what if I could have filled just one more pothole?”
He has tired to be lighthearted about it all to the public. “Shouldn’t you be out filling potholes, or something?” He heckled to himself on social media. He even sang a parody song about potholes at the Homegrown Mayor’s proclamation in 2015. But at night, when he lie awake, he knows those unfilled potholes are not heart lightening.
Tina Smith asserts dominance by punching out largest senator
Washington D.C. Junior senator Tina Smith, fresh to the U.S. Senate, sought to exhibit dominance by finding the biggest, meanest member and making that senator her bitch, according to many overtly impressed reporters.
Eyewitnesses report that Smith, concealing the makeshift brass knuckles she constructed in the Capitol garage, strutted onto the Senate playground and delivered a solid sucker-punch to throat of Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-MO).
McCaskill dropped the 80-pound weights she was using to build her tattooed biceps and dropped to the ground “like a wounded boar,” according to HuffPo reporter Howard Fineman.
From the Facebook page of a local candidate for Congress
Toddler Excited for Next Deer Season
Thomas Johnson wasn’t born yesterday, but he still has to have his diapers changed. He is among the many children who are excited to go out deer hunting this next deer season in Wisconsin. A bill passed in 2017 allows children of any age to hunt with a firearm in the State as long as they are accompanied by an adult “within arm’s length.” Thomas is just two years old but is excited to join the hunt.
His father, Patrick Johnson, has been hunting the Wisconsin Northwoods for over 20 years and is excited for his two-year-old son to accompany him this upcoming season. “We got him started off pretty early on the idea of hunting. We introduced him to the .22 at the range when he was around six months old, you know, just to get him used to proper firearm handling. I think come November he should be able to handle a 12-gauge or 30-06. He’s still getting used to the kickback, kind of sends him flying a few feet back, but the kid’s a natural. It’s so cute, he crawls up to the gun and usually shoots from the prone position since he’s not so good at walking.”
When we asked Thomas about going out hunting he drooled a little, picked his nose and then chuckled for a brief second, showing he was beyond thrilled to be taking down live game in the near future. Candice Johnson, Thomas’ mother is happy her son will be an outdoorsman. “We got him a little blaze orange outfit. His father has to carry him and the gun, but once we set them down, he’s ready to go. He’s actually kind of a fussy child, but once you put that gun in his little hands, he gets so quiet and intense.”
Thomas is not the only child in the family in the family to go hunting. Last year, Jenny Johnson, Thomas’ older sister took down a 12-point buck at just three years old. “Yeah, for a little kid, she’s a wicked shot, and of course we let her gut the deer on her own,” said Patrick.
When asked about the process of dressing a deer, Jenny replied shyly, “pull its guts out, no poo poo in the meat.”
Duluth News Tribune building sold
The Duluth News Tribune building at 424 W. First Street, for sale since June 2017, has been purchased by the Weekly Observer.
“What’s the Weekly Observer?” was the initial reaction of News Tribune Publisher Neal Ronquist.
The Observer operates out of the same building as the News Tribune and is owned by the same parent company, Forum Communications. But since the Observer has no online presence and is available only by subscription and at nine convenience stores, it operates under the radar of most area residents, apparently including Ronquist.
It was created last year as the Eastern Observer and Western Weekly newspapers. However, Duluthians objected that two separate newspapers for east and west neighborhoods exasperated the city’s cultural division, so the papers soon combined into one. But legal language in the process inadvertently gave the Observer autonomy and a budget vastly larger than the News Tribune.
Observer editor Katie Rohman was asked what she’ll do with 64,000 square feet of space since the Observer needs only a few desks. “Waterslides are cool,” she said. “And trampolines. Duluth needs more waterslides and trampolines.”
Forum plans to “right size” the News Tribune’s operations by relocating four employees to the former Twig Bakery and the other six jobs will be outsourced to Jamalpur, Pakistan. Ronquist vows that no jobs will be lost in the transition.
Stormy Daniels to appear at DECC
Stormy Daniels, whose alleged fling with Donald Trump resulted in scandal and payoffs and whatnot, has launched a “Make America Horny Again!” tour performing at strip clubs.
She will bring her show to the DECC April 1. “Just for Duluth, I’m changing my name to Ice Stormy Daniels!” she said. Visit Duluth is enthusiastically promoting the show with billboards and TV ads. Christian groups plan to picket the event, but only because she’s bringing down their idol, Trump.
She says she likes the area so much she is considering settling down and taking a job here as a Sunday school teacher.
She will also perform at Club Saratoga, but only to play piano with the jazz band.
A survey of St. Louis County residents found that Iron Range residents are not really all that gung-ho about proposed Polymet mine.
“What’s the point?” said lifetime resident Mabel Watertower. “You get 300 jobs for 20 years, followed by hundreds of years of pollution? Think I want to poison my children’s children’s children?”
“I could use the work, but then you bust your ass all your life, retire and two weeks later keel over from a heart attack,” said out-of-work miner Sven Oley.
“I support mining” signs are all over the Iron Range, decorating lawns, city halls and businesses. But residents report they’re just for the tourists, specifically mining company officials from out of town.
“Someone from Polymet went around putting those up and we didn’t think it’d be polite to take them down. It’s a Minnesota Nice thingie,” said waitress Jana Jaworksi.
The survey also revealed that most support for mining actually comes from Duluth residents, who want the copper and other minerals for their electronic devices.
Jay Fosle shocked to learn men equal part of baby-making
City Councilor Jay Fosle recently said to a woman “if you got pregnant at 19, you did that on your own.”
Unbeknownst to the father of two, a woman does not make the choice to become pregnant on their own, but rather, makes the decision with another person. As one can read in his comment, he was not aware that a pregnancy requires both an egg and sperm. He previously thought that woman independently woke up and decided to create a baby all on their own. Worry not, one of Duluth’s elected officials has been informed that this is not biologically possible in humans.
This news was shocking to the councilor. Nonetheless it seems Fosle is just glad he was able to make the citizens he represents unhappy.
Bridge to Somewhere
Noticing a dip in construction projects in the Northland, Duluth area politicians have proposed a “Bridge to Somewhere” that will head straight out into Lake Superior with no particular destination in mind.
"We don't want to limit ourselves with narrow-minded specific ideas at this point," said MnDOT official Bob Thebuilder. "When we get to the middle of the lake, we can hang a right and go to Michigan, or turn left and go to Thunder Bay. Maybe we'll even do a U-turn and come back to Duluth. But those decisions are years away."
“We were already scraping the bottom of the barrel with useless ideas like the aquarium and a new library, so this is best we come up with,” said Duluth city councilor Howie Hanson. The city is looking for $763 trillion from the state, with more to come since theoretically the project could go on forever.
Originally the name was “Bridge to Nowhere” but most people thought that meant a bridge to Wisconsin.
Fight breaks out at yoga studio
Duluth police yesterday broke up a massive rumble among clients at the Knobbywise Yoga Studio.
“I don’t know what it was,” said client Nellie Nervous, who is credited with throwing the first punch. “The instructor was having us do all these poses I couldn’t do and that cheesy New Age music was getting on my nerves. When they guy next to me accidentally touched me with his cold, dirty toes while stretching, I just snapped. Turns out everyone else felt the same way.”
Proprietor Airy Anderson said the incident has inspired him to create a new therapy called Aggression Yoga, which is basically a variation on Fight Club.
Rukavina to be divided in half
A referendum vote has resulted in St. Louis County Commissioner Thomas Rukavina being divided in two.
"It's not supposed to be like this!" Rukavina shouted as he was formally tied up and laid on railroad tracks. Master of Ceremonies Snidely Whiplash cackled and rubbed his hands.
For years Rukavina has called for the county to be divided between north and south. He felt the north received unfair treatment in terms of tax disparities and unequal Driving While Intoxicated sentences.
But the wording in the referendum came about as a result of a clerical error.
"This is what I was asked to do," said a flustered Judy Side, clerk at the state Office of Revisor of Statutes. "I was given this napkin."
On the napkin is a handwritten note saying, "We wanna split - Tommy." Rukavina had scribbled the idea on the napkin and tossed it into a pile of legislative priorities, thinking it would be more thoroughly vetted. Rep. Jason Metsa said he passed it unedited to the Revisor, thinking it would be "a giggle."
Although it was not the original intent, the proposal was overwhelmingly passed by both north and south voters in a special election.
Server with explosive diarrhea starting to feel better
Sherry Swenson has been a server for an undisclosed Duluth restaurant for the last three years. In that time she has never missed a day of work, "I can't miss a shift because I won't be able to make ends meet," said Swenson.
Swenson is just getting over a case of the flu. "It's been the worst," she said. "I really wanted to call in but between Pepto Bismol and an adult diaper, I've been working it out, barely."
Swenson has been working her seven-hour shifts with horrendous diarrhea for the last four days. "Thank God the vomiting stopped after the first day, which was my day off. I have to admit that taking a family's order while a liter of liquid crap hits your diaper isn't that great, and it's pretty tough to find the time to change myself during a rush. I hardly have time to wash my hands and get back to work. It's starting to pass, I don't have a fever anymore."
Swenson feels that the newly proposed policy to allow Duluth workers paid sick leave would have helped on several occasions during the time she has been a waitress. "I feel bad because one time I had a horrible head cold and I sneezed a little in someone's food while taking it out. It was an awkward position because I didn't want to make the cook angry and remake the order, or the customer mad because their food was taking forever."
Swenson say she's not alone with her woes of having medical issues in a restaurant environment. "We had a cook once who had to keep a trash can by the range so he could throw up in it. I guess you could say we're pretty dedicated," said Swenson.
