The death toll reached 3,000 this week as a record number of San Francisco 49ers players knelt during the National Anthem. Wheelbarrows full of dead OCD hillbillies were still being carted out of the streets long into the night as Americans everywhere prayed for a peaceful end to all this kneeling.

It’s common knowledge that the only time it’s acceptable to kneel during our Anthem is if you were recently kicked in the groin. The pure disrespect of someone with unmangled testicles kneeling causes untold numbers of Americans to instantly die of a heart attack every week.

“There’s a million other ways NFL players could protest. I don’t see why they have to choose a method that’s so violent,” said longtime fan Billy Jo Bangle, age 68. “I understand they want to reach an audience of millions of inbred hillbillies and an NFL game is a great way to do that. I just wish they could find a peaceful way of protesting that doesn’t murder thousands of innocent people.”

The vicious gang of wealthy NFL elites who started this reign of terror, nicknamed “The Murderous Twelve”, are led by bloodthirsty afro-wielding ringleader Colin Kaepernick. The Twelve have been quietly using their knees at every opportunity, even when children and the elderly are present. Sometimes kneeling to tie their shoelaces or remove a pebble from their shoe, other times to start a bloodbath that murders thousands, what’s certain is these damned knees are having a brutal impact on the nation. 

The first devastating attack was completely unprovoked. In the 2016 NFL preseason, Kaepernick touched his knee to the ground during our Anthem, unleashing hordes of ancient orcs, uruk-hai, balrogs and other mythical terrors from the depths of hell onto the bay area populace. By the end of the massacre, the entire city of San Francisco had collapsed into the ocean. Nearly 6.7 million Americans perished. 

Thanks a lot, Kaepernick.

The reign of terror continued during the first week of the 2016 NFL season, when eleven more players across the league kneeled with Kaepernick. Seattle’s entire team declined to participate in the Anthem during week three, which not only opened a portal directly to Satan’s butthole on the 50-yard-line, but also left a gaping hole in the baritone section of our Anthem, ruining its fragile harmony.

President Donald Trump released a statement making it clear that he had no idea what was going on but that he would act swiftly to repair this thing he didn’t understand.

“As usual, I have no clue what’s happening. I was briefed about it three times but it didn’t take,” said Trump, sluggishly recovering from a late night Twitter and prune juice bender. “Until I find the discipline to sit through a three minute conversation without spacing out and making farting sounds with my mouth, shorts are banned in the United States.Everybody’s gonna wear jeans everywhere: Weddings, funerals, swimming at the beach. Gentlemen’s magazines will no longer show knees. All those nude models will now have to wear jeans. We’re gonna get rid of these troublesome liberals with their partisan knees. Real Americans wear jeans.”

It should be noted that Trump’s business – currently being run by his children during his presidency – recently purchased a denim company.

A courageous tear ran down Vice President Mike Pence’s cheek and onto the front pages of newspapers everywhere Sunday as he courageously battled this horrible domestic terrorism firsthand. When several players knelt during our Anthem in the 49ers/Colts game, Pence and his courageous wife walked out of the stadium, leaving the Colts without their starting tight end. Without the 58-year-old Pence to run circles around the 49ers defense, juking and strutting his way to multiple touchdowns, the Colts barely squeaked out a three point victory.

Pence courageously noted that his non-violent protest methods, learned through the grainy color television set of his youth and taught by lifelong heroes of his like Jane Fonda and Barbra Streisand, prove that following rules can be both exciting and sexy. 

“Strict rules aren’t just tremendously fun, they’re also the most important thing in the world,” said Pence. “God didn’t put us on this planet to live wild and free and chart our own course. He put us here to stand in long lines, do the exact same thing as everyone else and obey outdated traditions that serve no one and amount to little more than nostalgic busywork.”

Many elderly Caucasian fans seem to agree with Pence, recommending lazy “path of least resistance” approaches to equality that have already proven ineffective instead of progressive actions that spur the attention and discussion that’s absolutely necessary to bring about positive change.

“I’ll bet police officers would stop systematically killing minorities if those players wrote a polite letter,” said Billy Bob Fartney, age 63. “That’s how Ethel and I got the city council to fix potholes on our street. I dunno. I’m just gonna watch TV and ignore it all because none of it really affects my life. As long as all this state-sponsored ethnic cleansing doesn’t cause Netflix to go down, I’ll be just fine.”