In a startling discovery just being noticed by senators who support it, the new GOP health care bill will require all Americans to poo on fellow patients to retain coverage. The act, referred to on page 124 of the bill as a “meadow muffin”, will be a monthly requirement to retain coverage. Millions of protesters blocked all entrances and exits to the capital Monday, forcing senators to actually read the bill before voting on it.  

“‘Patients with diabetes will not receive care until they find a more sickly diabetic and drop a meadow muffin on them, preferably without their knowledge and preferably from very high up so the results are more amusing,’” said Senator Charles Grassley (R-IA), reading directly from the health care bill he’s been tirelessly campaigning for the past few weeks. “‘Proof of this act must be submitted to the insurer in the form of a photo wherein both the pooper and the poopee are giving a hearty thumbs up.’ Good Lord. I should really start reading these bills before I support them.”  

While it’s widely known that politicians don’t read every bill, most Americans falsely believe their representatives at least read the important and controversial ones. The surprised look on the face of Senator Richard Shelby (R-AL) Monday as he read the more unique requirements of his party’s health care plan showed that belief to be a bit naive.  

“‘To receive care, patients with arthritis must poop inside the mouth of a live elephant?’” read Senator Shelby. “Lilith, can you Netscape that? I mean, I’ve never . . . would an elephant be receptive if someone did that? Would they fight back? I’d imagine just lifting up the trunk of a 5,000-pound animal would probably be quite the pickle for people with arthritis. Lilith, can you Netscape how much an elephant’s trunk weighs? Don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to fully support this bill, I just want to be ready with some data for the next town hall meeting.”   Even the leaders of the Republican party were taken aback by some of the bill’s stipulations, which were mainly written by lobbyists in the health insurance industry.  

“‘Pregnant patients who want prenatal care must first prove they can eat a ham sandwich using only their vagina,’” read Mitch McConnell (R-KY) in an emotionless, monotone voice that would have been greatly amusing if it weren’t screwing millions of Americans. “What the hell does that even mean? Like physically swallow food through their vagina? Jesus Christ. I hope people are stupid enough to be okay with this.”  

The bill’s authors, still unaware of half the awful things included in their legislation, were quick to reassure voters.   “We’re gonna fix this,” said Orrin Hatch (R-UT), credited as one of the 13 authors of the bill who know absolutely nothing about it. “We wouldn’t pass a bill that requires hard working Americans to - and I’m quoting directly from the bill here - ‘find a live turtle that looks like their aunt and keep it alive inside their rectal cavity for seven days.’ Rest assured that once we pass this horribly sadistic bill without changing it at all, we’re going to pass another bill sometime in the next two to four years that only requires people to keep that turtle alive for two days. So there’s no reason for concern. The Republican party has the best interests of the American people at heart.”  

Ironically, the answer to why the legislation is so bad is listed right in the bill itself.   “‘Selective eugenics is necessary for the survival of the American health care system,’” read Senator Lamar Alexander (R-TN), age 76. “‘By stripping 24 million Americans of their insurance, this Darwinian health care system shall ensure that only the strongest human beings survive.’ Jeeeeeesus Christ. I sure am glad I’ll be dead of old age by the time this bucket of turds gets implemented.”  

Senator Alexander isn't being facetious. Most Republicans backing the bill are so old that they could literally die of heart failure if someone near them sneezes too loudly. These piles of saggy skin masquerading as useful human beings literally have no reason to care if the nation burns to the ground.   The health insurers who wrote the bill for the senators were also blunt about their intentions.  

“It’s all very simple. If you have an illness and want medical care, fuck you,” said Vladimir Mikhailov of RedCross RedShield, an insurer who now stands to save a fortune by denying coverage to patients with pre-existing conditions. “In fact, the very first line of the bill is that exact sentence. We were all very surprised and pleased it was kept in there.”   Mikhailov joins the vast majority of Americans now learning exactly how lazy, greedy and mind-bogglingly stupid politicians can be.  

“Who wrote this utter shit? Who’s responsible for this insulting piece of garbage masquerading as proper governance?” shouted Senator John Thune (R-SD) on the Senate floor Monday. “Oh. I did? I’m one of the authors of the bill? Why the hell didn’t someone tell me? Goddamn it.”