What are fidget spinners?

Remember back when you had a flip phone, and it was kinda fun to flip it open and closed over and over again, and you’d have to remind yourself to stop doing it so much because you were afraid you’d become one of those weird guys at the bus station who makes little noises for no reason? Fidget spinners serve the same function. They give high-functioning mentally ill people a calming bit of busywork to focus on so they don’t physically attack others.

 
Seriously, what is this shit? I can’t Google it! I’m under 30 and intimidated by large uninterrupted paragraphs of text!

Fidget spinners are small mechanical devices with multiple paddle-shaped blades attached to a central core. Flick the blades with your finger and they spin. They’re collectible, and great entertainment for spaz kids and adults who must touch a doorknob exactly seven times before exiting a room.
 
Collectible? So it’s like pogs that actually do something?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pogs are cool! There is subtle craftwork to these misunderstood works of art. For example, the 1994 Mighty Morphin Power Rangers Power Pog Pack has a simplistic “I spent four years studying graphic design and I don’t give a shit about this humiliating pog assignment, so here’s character artwork on a plain yellow background” style of punk rock credibility that is a feast for the eyes once the mind has been enlightened to its rich backstory.

 
What the fuck are you talking about?

I don’t know! Everything went black for a few minutes! 
 
Fidget spinners sound like a bunch of bullshit.

That is correct. Food, shelter and safety are all fairly easy to obtain in modern culture, so we waste our time collecting innocuous bullshit.
 
Why didn’t I know about fidget spinners sooner?

It’s likely because you’re not 12 years old.

Are fidget spinners slowly killing my grandchildren?

Yes.
 
Oh my God! How exactly are they killing my grandchildren?!

I don’t know. You brought it up. I assumed you were going to provide evidence. 
 
How much do fidget spinners cost?

Between $3 and $199, depending on how much of an asshole you are.
 
Are the expensive ones better?

Cheaper fidget spinners tend to get gritty over time, causing friction and grinding sounds that can ruin the OCD experience. If you’re serious about fidgeting, you’re going to need to spend at least $120 on a mid-level spinner. It’s worth it, because you’ll have a more calming experience and your friends will know you’re a person of higher taste… oh my God, this is exactly how they want us to talk. It’s like a cult! Run! Run away before they get you!

 
Is this fad like jelly bracelets, where certain colors correspond to a horrendous sex act our children must participate in if the bracelet is broken?

Please keep your Lifetime Original Movie fan fiction plots to yourself.
 
Do teachers hate fidget spinners?

Teachers love fidget spinners! Most teachers are very poorly paid, almost as bad as those sign spinners outside condominiums and Subway restaurants, so teachers confiscate fidget spinners on sight and sell them on eBay. One day of questionably ethical search and seizure can bring a teacher of alternative ethics $50 to $100 of pure profit. Teachers are at the bottom of the food chain in life, but they’re at the top of the fidget spinner food chain.

 Search and seizure? That sounds bad. Shouldn’t we be worried?

No. God has placed these powerful predators in the food chain as a measure of balance. Like parents who throw out comic book collections, they add a touch of danger to collecting, keeping the fire in collectors’ souls fully lit.
 
Have you been drinking? I feel like you write these columns when you’re drunk.

Fuck you! Mind your own 
business!
 
Since the cool factor of fidget spinners partly depends on parents not understanding them, isn’t this FAQ accelerating their demise?

Yes, and you’re welcome.
 
How will we know when the fidget spinner trend is truly over?

When a 38-year-old man who hasn’t been cool in literally decades writes a condescending humor column about them.