After the IRS compared their records with Duluth’s former Last Place on Earth and a Flordia Bath Salt supplier, they’ve realized there is a $300,000 discrepancy within their trade records, and people are starting to wonder where that kind of money disappeared to. Local bartender Sam Studelska commented on the matter saying, “After he’d close down his shop, that Carlson fellow would wander in here, and after a few drinks he’d start saying that you can’t trust those bookkeepers, can’t trust no banks.” With new IRS evidence surfacing pointing towards unaccounted for money, word on the street is that Carlson stashed the cash fortune somewhere in town. 

Local woman (who preferred to stay unnamed) claims, “Those Carlsons! They’ve always had shifty eyes.. They’re up to something. I bet they hid it in the tunnels.” The tunnels. It always seems to come back to the tunnels. The locals once most popularly believed it was hidden under the old shop, but the new owners of the space, Blacklist Brewery said, “We already found the guns, it was just guns.”

Now popular opinion has spiked in the direction of the tunnels. Multiple people claim their is apparently a black market bank of sorts, with vaults only for the dark lords of Duluth, with access points only underneath the North Shor, the Kozy, the old Last Place on Earth, and the Wabasha Book Store. These claims are not confirmed at this point, however, we’re still digging. 

Many locals report having seen Carlson loitering in alleys near the Kozy after his shop was raided by the Feds, and some believe he was trying to access the tunnels there since his location was compromised. “If the cops weren’t so keen on keeping us out of the Kozy, I bet we would have found it by now,” added Studelska, “I know the answer is in there.” 

We urge anyone with leads to contact us, as we wouldn’t want that money to fall into the wrong hands… Journalists sure do get paid a lot, so it’s not like anyone should question our motives with this investigation or anything like that..

Locals demand longer winter

Spring has finally sprung in the Northland, and while you’d expect locals to be excited, there seems to be an uproar over the winter cut short. “We haven’t had enough to complain about yet.” said local Travis Brown, “This is an outrage, seasonal depression is our bread and butter around here.” Without their normal fill of winter days to complain about, locals report feeling robbed. Brown went on to say, “How will we be able to be the saddest hipsters without a full nine months of frozen woe? How will the other cities know we are super hardcore?” It’s fairly common knowledge that we are in constant competition with the Twin Cities over who suffers more, a clear measure in just how cool our residents are. “We don’t just live here, we suffer here, and we’ve been suffering here since before beards and flannels were even cool, okay.”

Facebook debate remains civil, stays on topic

In a turn of recent events, the Internet is amazed as a revolutionary model of civil debate emerges from Duluth. Two Duluthians, who wish to stay unnamed, carried out a lengthy debate about their differences in opinions last Monday, and despite all odds, they managed to stay on topic and remain civil. The Internet is shocked. This is unheard of. 

“I was blown away, I didn’t know it was possible.” said local internet-troll enthusiast, only known by the username ‘H8erSk8er218’. H8erSk8er218 went on to say, “They managed to build a model for mature educational debate, without stooping to name calling, or personal attacks. This is the death of everything I love.” Though the internet-trolls will be sad, others find it wonderful. One local woman said, “It’s so nice to be able  to discuss our differences in opinions online without everyone just spewing hate from behind their keyboards. I hope this new model spreads everywhere.” Yeah, we’ll believe it when we see it, lady.