8:30am
As the first act of his term, Columnist Ryan went vaping with local youths outside the Spur station. The Columnist-Elect initially lost favor with the youths by saying “Some pretty sweet vapes, huh guys?” but regained their trust after agreeing to buy them a case of Keystone Light. The $9.57 was billed to local taxpayers.

9:30am
Columnist Ryan attended a tea and LSD reception hosted by Duluth News-Tribune columnist Sam Cook and three of his favorite squirrels. Held in the South Portico wing of Cook’s 600-acre mansion - which is filled almost entirely with live squirrels - the festivities ended with both columnists photocopying their buttocks and publishing the results in the Jan 26 edition of the News-Tribune. If your edition is missing this insert, call the newspaper at (218) 723-5281 to request one.

10am
Vaping with Chelsea Clinton.

11:30am
Vaping with Ivanka Trump.

11:32am
Vaping with Barron Trump.

Noon
Columnist Ryan was sworn in by the region’s finest: Mayor Emily Larson, a Bob Dylan mannequin with its clothes removed and a pickle in its mouth, and a local resident who once got to second base with actress Jessica Lange. Columnist Ryan did not wear pants to the ceremony. Some argued this to be disrespectful, while the majority of citizens concluded that Ryan is merely an imbecile.

A brawl broke out during the passing of the best columnist award when Columnist Ryan accused 2016 winner Christa Lawler of getting her “goddamn fingerprints” all over his “shiz.” Fisticuffs ensued. Mayor Larson broke up the fight after 30 seconds, saving Columnist Ryan from being beaten to death.

12:30pm
At the completion of the ceremonies, Lawler departed on DNT One, a broken down old bus News-Tribune Publisher Neal Ronquist inherited from his cousin Merle. Ronquist has been quite busy lately, so the bus license plates are still customized with the sexually suggestive phrase “THICK1”. Columnist Ryan used this brief moment of reprieve to vape with local grade school children and buy them synthetic drugs to earn their support.

1pm
The inaugural luncheon had a creative twist this year. Columnist Ryan held the event in his shitty apartment, where he served guests shitty Nilla Wafers and shitty lukewarm tap water from his faucet. It was super shitty and he can go straight to hell.

2:30pm
Later in the afternoon, Columnist Ryan got down to business and attended a military review. He was briefed by the FBI and CIA on the Northland’s anti-terrorism strategy and allowed to make changes. According to sources at the highly secure event, it seems Scandinavians will now be targeted for frequent police stops and occasional beatings. This will be the first time since 1619 that a group other than African Americans have been selected.

Since the Northland’s top columnist is the 23rd person in line for the United States presidency, Columnist Ryan was also given nuclear codes and trained how to aim the nation’s payload at Russia, China or the state of Wisconsin.
Columnist Ryan was also given a key to “Skanktown USA”, the codename given to the military’s underground bunker where the wealthy and talented will be evacuated during an apocalypse. As the name implies, in the event of a catastrophe it will be up to the residents of the bunker to repopulate the region with religious hillbillies, bigoted alcoholics and college students who haven’t bathed since freshmen orientation.

3pm
The inauguration parade was quite graphic and sexual compared to previous years. The opening float started things off lightly with a deranged clown simultaneously penetrating the Constitution and a copy of the Duluth Reader. An enormous bust of Khrushchev vomiting tomato soup onto the hungry crowds followed soon afterward. Giant transgendered Powerpuff Girls parade balloons with massive erections floated above the crowd, gently brushing their inflatable manhood against the populace.

6pm
As thousands of worried citizens filled the downtown area to protest his best columnist award, Columnist Ryan hovered above the crowd in his personal helicopter and relieved himself upon them all. Every single one of them.

7pm
The Inaugural Ball was the hot ticket of the evening. Columnist Ryan is unmarried, so tradition required him to spend the evening slow dancing with his dog. The distraught, deeply confused animal stared ahead in utter disbelief, absolutely mortified at the hopeless abyss of his current existence. Escape seemed to be the dog’s only thought for the first several minutes before the poor creature settled into a look of disappointment and pure defeat, accepting his humiliation with great contempt. The dog wore a black tuxedo designed by Jason Wu. Columnist Ryan wore a $39 pair of jeans by an unknown manufacturer and a t-shirt with a humorous Star Wars graphic sewn by Vera Wang.

11pm
Columnist Ryan kicked off his inauguration afterparty by revealing a seemingly brilliant idea: An olympic-sized swimming pool filled with peanut butter. While this sounds delicious, the unpaid interns who filled the pool used peanut butter from a health food store. The quicksand-like density of the unreasonably thick peanut butter quickly turned the pool into a vicious succubus of death, consuming half of Columnist Ryan’s cabinet.

2:50am
Columnist Ryan replaced his deceased cabinet members with Harlem Globetrotters, fired a handgun at Lake Superior multiple times to show his dominance and then retired for the evening.