Hey folks! Where do you wanna go? That’s right, to Uncle Paul’s Online Leggings Emporium! I’ve transformed my personal Facebook page full of sad, blurry cat photos into a virtual showroom of tacky leggings! Dress yourself in the same stain-hiding patterns used for decorating the seats of city buses! We’ve got leggings patterns so busy that it will look like someone barfed all over your legs!

Made with space age polyester, our leggings are thin enough to rip off in a fit of passion and slingshot at Justin Bieber’s limo, yet thick enough to technically qualify as not rubbing your bare ass all over your own furniture, Ramblings Leggings come with a laminated certificate that guarantees the certificate is laminated. You won’t get that if you buy these smelly fart catchers from LuLaRoe!

Or will you? Who knows! Those hacks copy our sweet deals all the time! (Note: Our stock is purchased directly from LuLaRoe)

Impoverished? Don’t have a job? Not to worry. Nearly 195 percent of people who buy Ramblings Leggings end up selling them to even bigger idiots for twice the price! A recent pair of leggings thought to have been sneezed on by Magnum PI star Tom Selleck recently sold for $32, a steep increase over the $25 retail price. One lady’s sweaty used leggings is another lady’s sweaty used treasure!

Get them while you can! Many of our leggings are so hideous that only 2,500 of them could be produced before the factory workers went blind! Limited Edition Orgasmic Ramblings Leggings are like Beanie Babies that appreciate in value while slowly working themselves into your buttcrack over the course of the day!

And don’t think we’ve forgotten about you fellas out there! We’ve got patriotic man leggings with bald eagles and retired wrestlers and Ronald Reagan’s dick on them. It’s huuuuge!

Get into this smoking hot business for yourself by taking advantage of our special liquidation sale: Buy 90 pairs of leggings and get an additional 90 pairs for the full retail price! You won’t get that sort of deal from these other skeezy bitches selling leggings on Facebook! Report their pages as child pornography so they get shut down for a few days! Seriously, do that. We could really use the help. This pyramid scheme thing is way more work that we thought.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering if Ramblings Leggings are a pyramid scheme. I don’t know where you got that idea, but they’re not! Pyramid schemes trick you into selling clothes to your friends and family. Ramblings Leggings trick you into selling clothes to losers from your high school who you haven’t spoken to in nearly two decades. Skip all the guilt and emotional baggage by selling to people you don’t give a shit about! Everyone was a dick to you in school, and now’s your chance for payback by spamming them with endless advertisements for bullshit!

Unlike crappy pyramid schemes that screw everyone involved, our brilliant sales system utilizes a sophisticated pyramid scheme in which only the schmucks dumber than you get screwed out of money. For a tiny initial investment of $6,000, you too can be under a corporation’s thumb for years paying off the stale overstock you naively agreed to buy for the full wholesale price.

Become a Gullible Leggings Guru and enter into a world where you battle against the other people in your high school class who failed at life! Fight for Leggings Supremacy as you desperately try to find new stupid people who will throw money at you to stop harassing them! Feel like a dirtbag as you call former customers from a payphone after they block your home, work and cellphone numbers!

Hey Martha, do you need more leggings? How about now?! Do you need more leggings now!? Did I mention I have a baby at home? IF YOU DON’T KEEP BUYING MORE EVERY MONTH, THE LEGGINGS PYRAMID WILL COLLAPSE LIKE THE HOUSING MARKET, MARTHA! ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME, MARTHA!? I’LL VISIT YOUR HOUSE UNANNOUNCED, YOU SLY BITCH!

Not a fan of online sales? No worries. We can also trick you into coming to a party at our home that’s actually a scheme to get you drunk so you’ll buy leggings! Come to our homemade Ramblings Leggings showroom in a rusted out Buick LeSabre parked in an abandoned theme park! Free bottomless glasses of cooking wine and shameful regrets for everyone who attends.

Say yes to your new life and sign up today! These limited edition Ramblings Leggings can be yours for only $25! No, that’s the wholesale price. One pair. The $25 is for one pair of leggings. I know you can get them for $5 at Target, but I’m selling these ones. Yeah, well I can’t compete with their prices. I don’t have their vendor relationships. Can you not be a dick, dude? Just support my thing.