Employees across the nation begrudgingly shuffled back into work earlier this week, depressed that the holidays have ended. Yet one office remains vibrant. At Duncan Poogly LLC, 23-year-old Justine Bulger removes her shirt and swings it around her head like a medieval flail. It’s been nearly three full days since the new year was rung in, and Justine is still drunk.

The innovative employee made an important discovery over the holidays. Though the 2017 world is one of President Trump and his Republican supermajority, Justine realized this reality could be completely erased by alcohol. By carefully mixing a bottle of Everclear with a bottle of pure grain alcohol, the resulting liquid allows her to remain drunk indefinitely. This trendy Everclear Diet is also vegan-friendly and kosher.

The minimal side effects include continuous fistfights, continuous vomiting and irreparable damage to the liver likely leading to death within one year. Justine has also committed various felonies while driving her car to work, but other than the small child she ran over, the Everclear Diet has been a smashing success. Happy and carefree for the first time in nearly a decade, Justine’s damaged brain only requires her to do a fresh countdown to the new year every 40 minutes, to keep the lie real in her mind.

Justine: Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven…

Justine removes her bra and lights it on fire.

Boss: Is this a DAPL protest or something?

Ned: Nah. Justine’s still drunk from New Year’s Eve. Y’know, the new year that started three days ago.

Boss: Oh, that’s so cool! She’s such a cool person!

Justine flips over her boss’ desk and pulls out a lighter. Multiple co-workers restrain her as she aggressively attempts to light his office on fire.

Boss: I want to get to know this interesting person more so I can promote her. Margo, you’re our head of human resources. I hope you’re watching this.

Margo: Yes! I’m filling out Justine’s performance review in real time. She’s getting five out of five in every category. I rarely give fives because I feel there’s always room for improvement, but with how inspiring her youthful exuberance has been this morning, I’m making an exception. It’s just so refreshing to have someone in the workplace who gives zero fucks about anything that goes on here.

Justine finishes her New Year’s countdown, grabs a knife from the office kitchen and stabs Ned.

Boss: So much focus and vigor! This is exactly the kind of behavior this stuffy old place needs.

Margo: I honestly can’t think of anyone who wouldn’t adore this.

Ned (bleeding profusely): I’m not terribly fond of it.

Boss: Ned, elderly people like you and I are ruining this workplace. It’s time for us to get millennial. We need fresh blood!

Ned (still bleeding profusely): She also threw up in my desk drawers this morning. All seven of them. It wasn’t fun to clean up.

Boss: I’ve had enough of your negativity, Ned. You’re fired. Don’t even bother cleaning out your personal things. We’re throwing them away so you’ll learn something.

Ned: Can I take the framed photo of my daughter?

Boss: I’m sorry Ned, but we’re burning that photo. We need to make an example out of you to attract more innovative workers like Justine.

Ned: I guess that’s fair. Justine is pretty dope.

Justine picks up Fluffy, the office dog, and throws it through a plate-glass window while shouting various racial slurs.

Margo: I’m hoping we can grant her some form of tenure so she stays forever.

Boss: Let’s get it done this morning. The more innovative things she does, the higher her price will be.

Justine pins her boss to the floor, removes her pants and defecates directly into his mouth. Her co-workers admire her from afar, all secretly jealous of her innovation. Ned dies quietly in a pool of his own blood.

Boss: Thank you, Justine. I know you’re only doing it because you’re perpetually drunk, but crapping in my mouth was exactly what this company needed. It’s what I personally needed. It’s what America needed. That’s why the company is announcing you as our new CEO. Congratulations!

Justine: BLARRRRGH! YAPPY DOG SNEEZE WONDER BANANAS! JENNIFER TOLD ME MACBOOKS AIN’T GOOD NO MORE JESUS DIED IN VAIN! OBAMA FARTING CONTEST HE CHEATED I LIKE LEGGINGS BLOOOORGGGHH!

Boss: Well put, Justine. All right everyone, you heard her! Let’s get to work!