In order to reduce wait times for other voters, try to decide between corruption, a bigoted apocalypse and hopeless idealism before it’s your turn at the voting booth.
If you’ve always wanted to ride a unicycle naked while a crowd of 100 people are forced to watch against their will, the lines during election day are the best possible time to achieve this.

   It costs nearly $6.5 billion to hold an election, so try not to mess up the booth by doodling on the table or sticking your gum underneath it, mmkay?
Sorry, “Let’s get this shit over with already” is not an option on the ballot.
Remember that while mailing in your ballot early is the easiest method of voting, only standing in line on election day will get you out of work for a few hours.

   Do you guys like pizza? Why not sit at home and eat a pizza instead of voting?
While you’re technically allowed to grab your ballot by the pussy before voting, it’s not very respectful to the ballot.

   Remember when we all thought the world was going to end because we had to choose between Al Gore and George W. Bush? Hahahahaha! *wipes tears away from eyes*. Oh God, what have we done.

   If you’re a Pacific Islander and are upset at Donald Trump, don’t worry. He’s been very busy, but I’m sure he’ll find time to directly insult your ethnicity after he becomes president.

   I know you think it’s funny, but be careful. If enough people jokingly write-in a vote for Penis McGooey, he may actually be elected president.
Please remember that political protests and other forms of canvassing are not allowed at polling places. You’ll have to take your live donkey with “Lock her up” spray painted on the side a few blocks down the street.

   There’s no law against you showing up to the polls drunk. However, there is a law against vomiting into the machine that counts the ballots, so watch your aim.
For those of you worried about the sort of decisions Hillary Clinton will make while menstruating, you should also be voicing equal concerns about the decisions Donald Trump will be making on days when he hasn’t jacked off to a picture of himself. I know I get a little grumpy on those days.

   If you’re blind, make sure to use your hands to feel the facial features of the person who’s assisting you while voting. That way you can identify them later if they trick you into voting for Gary Johnson.

Pro Tip: If you show up to your local polling station still wearing your slutty Halloween costume from last week, you get to vote twice!*

*Subject to local laws and statutes. Offer only redeemable on Thursdays. Cash value is 1/1000 of one cent or nothing, whichever is less. The phrase “Vote twice” is a relative term that actually means voting once. Offer expires Jan 1, 2012. Fuck you.

   If you don’t know the location of your polling station, just bring up your computer’s web browser and type “Where is my polling station?” Was that so goddamn hard, grandma? Was that nonsense worth waking me up at six in the damn morning? You could have learned this at the library if you’d gone to those classes we told you about! But noooo, you didn’t have any interest in computers, did you grandma?! I’ll bet you’re interested in learning about computers now! Get your shit together, grandma!

   If you don’t know what to choose on the ballot, don’t bother sneaking a peek at your neighbor’s paper. This election only has wrong answers.