Hey dummy, there’s a presidential election in a few weeks and though you’re probably too stupid to realize this, it’s a pretty big deal. Humanity’s entire existence is at stake. It’s more important than ever that everyone in America heads to the polls Nov. 8 and votes for one of these two festering piles of human garbage.

I have a registration form right here. May I continue making you feel uncomfortable until you reluctantly register to vote? Great! Thank you!

I’m not going to lie to you. The two main candidates are balls deep awful AF right now. They have zero fleeks. Both of them would have you killed if it moved the line at the Arby’s drive-thru one second faster. But they’re the only two candidates who aren’t fascists or people who listen to NPR on purpose, so we have no other choice.

It’s really important that you vote, but it’s more important that you vote for the steaming heap of dog feces whose general malaise aligns with my own slanted views. Third party candidates have no chance of winning. None! Granted, this is mainly because people like myself keeping guilting others into voting based on logistics instead of who they actually like, but it’s okay because I’m literally saving this country. You should be thanking me for pressuring you into voting for complete assholes who only make our lives worse!

But enough pleasantries. Let’s cut right to the chase. If you don’t vote for Michael Dukakis, you’re handing George H. Bush a win. If you want an oppressive dictator who doesn’t respect your vagina and will launch World War III, go ahead and vote for a third party candidate. They’ll lose and Bush will win. I’m not trying to be a jerk, I’m just stating facts. You will literally birth another Hitler from your urethra if you don’t vote for Dukakis.

The stakes have never been higher. Let me repeat that again. The stakes have NEVER been higher. Our country has gone to shit and the only way to fix it is to vote for one of two huge pieces of shit. Trust me. I know what I’m talking about. I’m a self-appointed expert.

What? No! Why are you still talking about third party candidates? They’ll lose. Vote for shit candidates. Yes, I know you’re technically allowed to vote for anyone. Yes, I know that’s what makes this a democracy. Yes, I know mindlessly voting only for Republicans and Democrats is exactly what’s ruining this country, but this time it’s important! I swear! This time it’s literally the end of the world as we know it if you don’t vote for this turd I really like!

Do you want Bush to win? Do you want gestapo hoodlums to come to your house and throw out all your almond milk? That’s the first thing that guy will do! He hates almond milk! That’s what your rebellious third party vote will get you. A president who hates milk! And almonds!

Look, I get it. You want to vote for a candidate you respect. You want someone whose very presence on your TV screen doesn’t make you physically ill. You want to vote with your heart, and that’s a beautiful thing. The problem is that your heart is really dumb. Let me decide for you. Dukakis! He’s short and ineffective, but he loves eating individual slices of American cheese, just like you!

You’re not going to love Dukakis. He’s going to be really disappointing and we’ll all hate him eventually, but it’s better than total annihilation. If Bush wins, we will all be enslaved by corporations who have mandatory morning calisthenics. I know I say that every election, but this time I really mean it! You can trust me this time. I’m not just saying hyperbolic things because I like attention. We will all die within hours if Bush wins.

Once we choose a president, there’s no turning back. There’s no checks and balances in our government. There isn’t a Senate and House to block crazy ideas and veto executive orders. There isn’t any sort of impeachment process in America. Not once in our nation’s history have we ever removed a sitting president from office and let Vice President Gerald Ford take their place. We have no protection from the president we elect. It’s all or nothing.

Perhaps this is a little aggressive, but I have the utmost respect for you when I say this: Fuck you if you don’t vote for Dukakis. If you’re not voting for Dukakis, just unfriend me right now. Life is too short to associate with people who don’t repeat my own thoughts back to me like a tape recorder. Please don’t vote third party. It really ruins this cool theory I have that I’m smarter than everyone else and must constantly lecture them until they become civilized.

George H. Bush is Satan’s scrotum in a vat of poorly whisked butterscotch. The man is nothing but lumps. Michael Dukakis may be a colossal fart queen, but he’s the most palatable fart queen for our times. He’s our fart queen, and we’re voting for him together. Just give me your ballot. I’m sorry, but this is too important of a decision to leave up to non-blowhards like you.