Team USA is dominating the competition in the Rio Olympics, but one athlete is falling far short of expectations. Professional Instagram user Kylie Jenner, daughter of 1976 decathlon gold medalist Caitlyn Jenner, has once again come away from the Olympics with zero medals.
Kylie, a socialite who is mainly known for unnecessary lip injections and makeup that takes two goddamn hours to apply, has finished dead last in every Olympic event for the two decades of her existence. American coaches are absolutely livid.
“It was a real shit show out here,” said Lacey Wang, Team USA’s badminton coach. “The Chinese whooped us, the Netherlands kicked our ass. The Netherlands! Kylie didn’t even show up. I mean, I know she wasn’t a member of our team, but c’mon. Her dad’s a gold medal winner. She’s got gold in her veins. She can’t stop by and lend a hand to her country? Jesus.”
Added Wang, “It’s goddamn badminton. Pick up a racquet thingy and wave it around. Christ, woman.”
According to her Instagram, Kylie spent most of the past two weeks taking dozens of nearly identical photos of herself in a bathrobe and wearing swimsuits that seem far too small for her bosomy figure. The immense time spent on selfies meant less time for truly important things like competitive race walking and that event where competitors see how high they can bounce on a trampoline.
“Frankly, Kylie just seems lazy,” said Todd McFarts, Team USA’s head coach. “She hasn’t been practicing her long jumping, her equestrian dressage is just a joke, and I can’t remember a single time in the past four years when Kylie has thrown a shot put. Tyga’s balls may be impressive, but they aren’t made of iron. I don’t know how she expects to win if she’s not willing to practice with regulation equipment.”
Some insiders claim Kylie’s lack of attendance had a more sinister reasoning. The Rio games have had a barrage of mysterious problems that are difficult to explain. Some find it suspicious that the non-Olympian was conveniently at her home in California while all the problems in Rio occurred.
Armed robbings of Olympic competitors, unsafe hotel room accommodations for athletes and press, Russians illegally doping, and long lines at the village McDonald’s can’t be directly linked to Kylie, but it seems likely that most, if not all of these issues are directly related.
“I’m not saying Kylie Jenner robbed Ryan Lochte at gunpoint or forced the entirety of Russia’s Olympic team to cheat, but I also can’t say she didn’t,” said renowned theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking. “The universe is vast and limitless. It’s literally impossible for anyone to know if she opened a portal or sharted radio waves through a black hole at a certain frequency to make these unfortunate events happen. My loyalty to science requires me to believe all things are possible.”
Sources claim Kylie may also be responsible for the now infamous murky green water in Rio’s Olympic diving pool. Contouring - a makeup application process championed by Kylie and other female celebrities wherein multiple layers of overpriced foundation are applied to an ugly person’s face to create an illusion of attractiveness - does use enough chemicals to cause an entire diving pool to turn green and smell like farts.
If Kylie created and entered a wormhole at the speed of 7.3 billion light years per second - which Hawking has confirmed is possible - she could have ripped a hole in the space time continuum, gone swimming in Rio’s diving pool, and returned to California to post a photo of her butt on Instagram at the exact time she left. This rip in the fabric of time created by Kylie’s obsession with photographing her own butthole may also explain other bizarre things about our modern world. Global warming, police brutality, The Great Recession, 9/11, the Vietnam War and the TV show Fuller House may also be completely her fault.
It’s also theoretically possible that Kylie is a shape-shifting lizard of the Illuminati, as predicted by Milton William Cooper’s book “A Pale White Horse.” The popular conspiracy theory bible claims many politicians and public figures are lizards from space who use their influence to control human existence. Hawking once again confirmed that this statement is 100 percent true.
“As I said, anything is possible in the infiniteness of the universe,” said Hawking. “However, that’s not an excuse for making up rumors or using the prestige of a newspaper to manipulate the general public into believing outrageous things. Kylie Jenner may be the proverbial dog turd stuck to the shoe that is America’s current pop culture movement, but she’s still at least partially human. We should help her, rather than attacking her with made-up sex and drug scandals.”
Rumors are also circulating that Kylie once had sex with a raccoon while smoking crack. Olympic officials are looking into the possibility of adding this event to the 2020 games to draw in more viewers.