The Northland is once again released from the clutches of a wintery grasp and the stars have started calling out again. Two humble men were both blessed and cursed by the voices of the stars that could not be ignored. Many doubted if the stars were really talking to Paul Whyte and Lane Prekker, but when the stars started to others like Crafty Ellen, Evil Jeffy, Jake Nelson, Dave Clark, Kat the rapper, and Becca DeBoer, that’s when the collective consciousness of cosmic truths became too much to ignore and just pass off.
Homegrown is a special time of where the musical community gets together for a week of good times. We at times wondered why the stars would tell us such things, but the voices would not stop until we wrote them down exactly as instructed. We all wish you a safe and happy Homegrown. What is written is beyond us and we hope to see you all out and about at the wonderful music festival.

Fuhs loves it when you chew on your toenails. Look her directly in the eyes while doing so and you may find your love connection.

Aries
March 21-April 19

Sunday, May 1
Mayor Emily Larson will appreciate your enthusiasm as you “Woooo!” intermittently while stumbling into people during her proclamation.

Monday, May 2
Homegrown has a thing where if you see someone wearing a $20 red track jacket, buy them a drink because they have no real life besides planning a crappy festival that only happens one week out of the year.

Tuesday, May 3
When it comes to Similar Dog, these are not the dogs you’re looking for. Todd Gremmels is training them to fight and they will be ready. Very ready.

Wednesday, May 4
If your act didn’t get picked for Homegrown, show up to the Silverback Colony show. They’ll let anyone on stage.

Thursday, May 5
When you see Maintenance Free, walk up and smash one of their guitars and ask how maintenance free they are now.

Friday, May 6
The Dark Underbelly at Sir Benedict’s will show you how dark a place that sells gourmet sandwiches in a well lit environment can be.

Saturday, May 7
The Little Black Books and Black Diary are thinking about doing a collaboration. Lord only knows the dark and twisted shit that that will entail.

Sunday, May 8
Your cat won’t look at you the same way after the way you came in last night.

Taurus
April 20-May 20

Sunday, May 1
Even though it’s totally packed, Maida will not mind making you and your friends six different Mojitos while lines of people wait to just get a PBR tallboy.

Monday, May 2
Tell Crafty Ellen to just use her actual name and get back on Facebook, she was a lot easier to stalk when she was there.

Tuesday, May 3
Don’t throw up on the Space Carpet or it will be a Social Disaster.

Wednesday, May 4
If Teague Alexy goes missing, it’s possible that Dusty Keliin has finally kidnapped him and he’s tied up in his basement.

Thursday, May 5
Superior or The Reef? Choose wisely. Your choice may effect the rest of you Homegrown experience.

Friday, May 6
Embrace Scientology and all it’s principles while roaming the shows at Fitgers. Rod Raymond may ask you to be his new business partner.

Saturday, May 7
If you throw an Evil Beach Party, be sure to not invite Evil Jeffy.

Sunday, May 8
It turns out Matt Osterlund’s bass was never missing or stolen, it was in his beard the whole time.

Gemini
May 21-June 20

Sunday, May 1
When you give Mayor Emily Larson a massive wedgie, tell her Don Ness has been enduring this “tradition” for years every Homegrown even though he hasn’t.

Monday, May 2
The only reason to go to the Hard Feelings show would be to possibly get Pat Laney’s teeth as a souvenir and perhaps make a necklace out of them.

Tuesday, May 3
There is Prince Paul & The Conscious Party, but for you it will be more like the unconscious party. This was likely someone’s horoscope in past years.

Wednesday, May 4
If you end up in a conversation with Sheila Wonders, just hold still. She can’t see you if you move.

Thursday, May 5
Tonight is the official Homegrown pube swap. Bring your electric trimmer, gorilla glue and delousing powder. It’s going to be a grand adventure.

Friday, May 6
Ryan Rusch of Reflectivore is only making those those exaggerated movements to make up for that whole time he sat almost motionless working on that material in the studio.

Saturday, May 7
Look out for The Crunchy Bunch, they’ll try to get you on a boat and harvest one of your kidneys. It’s either them or Norby who has been doing that.

Sunday, May 8
If you have a phone number in your pocket and don’t know where it came from, wait until Thursday to try it out. The stars are hazy past that.

Cancer
June 21-July 22

Sunday, May 1
That weird noise is fine, it’s just Adam Sippola singing.

Monday, May 2
Boost your sex appeal by riding a skateboard as transport to the festivities. Oh wait, you’re over 21.

Tuesday, May 3
If the Gold Star Junkies seem nervous, it’s probably because they ran out of gold star and are having withdrawals. The authorities have been cracking down on that recently.

Wednesday, May 4
This year Jake Larson is offering guitar tech services on top of running sound. Just sit back and relax while he hauls up all of your equipment and tunes your guitars. He’s really dedicated like that.

Thursday, May 5
Fuhs loves it when you chew on your toenails. Look her directly in the eyes while doing so and you may find your love connection.

Friday, May 6
If you ask Gaelynn Lea to haul up your Marshall Stack on the stage, you suck as a person.

Saturday, May 7
If you see Dave Simonett at Carmody, don’t buy him that Old Style and shot of Jameson like he’s expecting you to. If he can play Letterman, he can afford to buy his own drinks.

Sunday, May 8
So, you’re broke. You did get some groceries before this began, didn’t you? You didn’t? Well, shit.

Leo
July 23-August 22

Sunday, May 1
Horse Girls will be nothing like the horse show you saw once in Mexico.

Monday, May 2
Your future is as bright as the light reflecting off Heiko’s head when he has Jameson blushed cheeks.

Tuesday, May 3
Now that he’s not mayor, Don Ness can stay out later than his 5 o’clock shadow. Ask him when the Wabasha is going to pick his book, “Hillsider,” since Barnes and Noble isn’t.

Wednesday, May 4
Are you female, blonde and recently 21? Congratulations! You are in the running to be one of Lane Prekker’s newest ex-girlfriends.

Thursday, May 5
Try not to be disappointed when there’s not actually a potluck at The Potluck Communists show. They live lies just like that commie Bernie Sanders.

Friday, May 6
When you see Rio Daugherty ask if you can help him carry his drums to his third gig tonight.

Saturday, May 7
Maddy Siiter is still pretty young for you to be hitting on her. Stop it.

Sunday, May 8
The Keep Aways lived up to their name this Homegrown.

Virgo
August 23-September 22

Sunday, May 1
With Melissa Ginger’s past work with Victoria’s Secret, ask when that will be incorporated into Homegrown somehow in the future.

Monday, May 2
Adam Guggemos isn’t staring at that girl’s ass, he’s looking at that other girl over there.

Tuesday, May 3
If you see Andy Pletcher dropping the bass, it’s probably off at the pawn shop.

Wednesday, May 4
Ask Hung a philosophical question, “is it possible for you to like anything, and if you do, will you just say your catch phrase anyway?”

Thursday, May 5
Portage may be a little better band than Four Mile Portage. Why limit yourself to a certain distance?

Friday, May 6
It’s possible Fearless Moral Inventory might not play because Steve Karels and Jim want to go to a furry convention that night.

Saturday, May 7
Start a bet over the approximate size of Eric Pollard from Actual Wolf’s dick. Loser finds out the actual size.

Sunday, May 8
Were you expecting to meet someone this week? Sounds like you should move to Minneapolis or Portland like everyone else and be lonely there.

Libra
September 23-October 22

Sunday, May 1
It’s Walt Dizzo’s last year. Ask him about his new gig raising gerbils specifically bred for “butt stuff.”

Monday, May 2
Join “The Guys Who Never Write Comical Comics” and Crafty Ellen’s “Crappy Scopes” and get your own mindless gibberish published in the Transistor. Probably better than the Reader.

Tuesday, May 3
Tell Heiko that he can take that damned peacoat off. It’s May, God damn it!

Wednesday, May 4
Don’t buy Jack Klander’s story about a Pizzaghost being the reason your slice of pizza went missing. He totally ate it. Pizzaghosts don’t exist. Or do they?

Thursday, May 5
If you stumble over to Superior, don’t ask Songs of Shipwreck when they will be releasing a second album. The first one was awful enough.

Friday, May 6
The Bottle Jockeys mostly play covers because no one really appreciates Chad Lyons’ lyrics about how his dive suit chafes his ass and how he has to apply ample amounts of Vaseline and baby powder to it.

Saturday, May 7
Tell Lane Prekker to get off the kickball field. He’s not riding on Charlie Parr’s coattails this Homegrown and was really never a musician in the first place.

Sunday, May 8
You don’t feel like moving? Nothing sounds alright to consume except water? Yes, yes, rest up for next year.

Scorpio
October 23-November 21

Sunday, May 1
If you black out during the Children’s Music Showcase and them come back to for Play Date, you’re doing Homegrown right. Maybe watch it from there.

Monday, May 2
The bad vibes of Mercury in retrograde are nothing compared to the dirty look that Kat just shot you for being a dumbass.

Tuesday, May 3
“The Social Disaster” actually got their name form what Ryan Nelson’s parents used to call him.

Wednesday, May 4
When you see The Old Smugglers after their show, wink twice, nod three times and give them a left handed hand shake to find out what they actually smuggle.

Thursday, May 5
Assless chaps are the theme for tonight. Be sure to wear yours and nothing else. Seriously, don’t be a square. Everyone else will be doing it. Honestly.

Friday, May 6
After The Horror set, ask Billy Wagness if he’ll do a story on how many people will be suing the Reader because of the stars interpretation of things in these horoscopes.

Saturday, May 7
Marc Gartman calls it “Fever Dream” because if you wake up with him, you probably have syphilis.

Sunday, May 8
If you see Washboard Joey pissing in one of the two residential style sinks at Pizza Luce’, tell him there is no excuse this time.

Sagittarius
November 22-December 21

Sunday, May 1
We’re hoping the weather doesn’t stay too Kitschy Gloomy. Although it’s likely.  

Monday, May 2
Just remember that when the Ball Slashers slash balls, it’s consensual, that’s why it’s alright and not weird.

Tuesday, May 3
Be sure to cover Prince’s “Purple Rain” to make it clear to all of Duluth that you too know that Prince song.

Wednesday, May 4
The Holy Hootenanners probably won’t play your Deicide request.

Thursday, May 5
When you’re at The Main and the urinal is full of vomit, do the bartenders a solid and break up some of that with your piss stream.

Friday, May 6
If you feel that you’re going to have explosive diarrhea at R.T. Quinlan’s and it get’s all over the stall, be sure to inform Brennan Atchison that there has been an accident that he needs to clean up.

Saturday, May 7
Blast your way to the front of the Black-Eyed Snakes show by crop dusting the multitude of aging hipster out of your path.

Sunday, May 8
Oh good, you made it with your dignity mostly intact. Try working on that beach body before snow flies again.

Capricorn
December 22-January 19

Sunday, May 1
Looks like no one asked Paul Whyte to play with them on their Homegrown set. He’ll keep up his skills by playing the same six or seven songs every week at his shitty open mic.

Monday, May 2
If you take Dad’s Acid you’ll have Hard Feelings about the Batteries you gave Robot Rickshaw.

Tuesday, May 3
If you’re watching The Dudes, there’s a 90% chance that Kat will hop on stage and start rapping for the only reason that she’s not a dude.

Wednesday, May 4
Glen’s Neighbor will probably call the cops on Crazy Neighbors shitty little afterparty. Bail before that happens. It’s a neighbor rivalry you don’t want any part of.

Thursday, May 5
Marcus Loren Matthews has been away for awhile. It might be best to welcome him back by asking him to race motorcycles at bar close down Tower Avenue.

Friday, May 6
Heiko loves dealing with your bad attitude. He really does. Let out that rant that you’ve been holding in. You’re not too wasted, go for it.

Saturday, May 7
Don’t wait for a UFO to pick you up after the Heaven’s Gate Away Team show, and you might have a couple reasons to still live. Just get a cab or crash out on someone’s couch instead. You’ll feel different when you get up.

Sunday, May 8
Who wants to bet Bratwurst “wins” Homegrown 2016 in next year’s Field Guide? Maybe it’ll be different this time.

Aquarius
January 20-February 18

Sunday, May 1
Bridget has been having some hard times. Her band changed their name to Bridget’s 88’ Camry.

Monday, May 2
Discord at Dawn will be your experience vomiting all over yourself on Tuesday morning.

Tuesday, May 3
Go to Dear Interceptor, but only to learn how to harbor teen angst well into your 30s.

Wednesday, May 4
John Farrell won’t mind if you throw up all over his sound board. With a little splash of water and bleach, sound boards wash right off.

Thursday, May 5
Try not to cry like a little bitch when Hannah Rey steals your girlfriend. You’ll find someone else maybe five or six years from now.

Friday, May 6
Buckle up, life will be coming at you faster than bar service at the Red Herring. Actually, you’re probably fine. Never mind.

Saturday, May 7
Tell Jaw Knee Vee that the do it yourself approach only goes so far. Maybe getting a hot chick front woman might help a little…and pyrotechnics.

Sunday, May 8
Yes, the Homegrown Music Video is free! Too bad you’ll pass out two videos into it.

Pisces
February 19-March 20

Sunday, May 1
Aww, look at you. Your excitement will slowly fade with each day as the hangovers eat away at your soul. You’ll be lucky to be employed after this week.

Monday, May 2
Mary Bue’s shoulder is mostly healed. Challenge her to a street luge race down Lake Avenue and see what other positive insights she gets from the new injuries.

Tuesday, May 3
Go into Bent Paddle and say you’re a member of Trampled by Turtles and drink for free.

Wednesday, May 4
If you mosh for the entire Low set, you sir are an asshole.

Thursday, May 5
Wes Hadrich, the area’s number one performer for methed out hoochie mamas. It would seem unlikely, but that’s a fact.

Friday, May 6
Save some money this Homegrown by smuggling boxes of wine into the busiest venues. As an added bonus, sell glass of it in the restroom to pay off that wristband.

Saturday, May 7
Lion or Gazelle? Which one is it? It’s been years and we still don’t know.

Sunday, May 8
Your popularity will skyrocket faster than a liquor store in Superior on Sunday and fall faster than Piazza’s dick at a Dolls show.

“Nurse your Homegrown hangover with a big ol’ glass of shut the hell up and get over it.” - The Stars

We do not condone the majority of the behavior depicted in this write up. Be positive, be cool, have fun, but look out for each other.