Will Americans vote for a monster in this fall’s presidential race? An anonymous group of billionaires is counting on it in their battle to derail Donald Trump.
Bernard “Cookie” Monster, age 50, is a beloved character from Sesame Street and a lifelong conservative. Despite 50 years in show business - an industry filled to the brim with communists and cornholers - Cookie Monster has remained fiscally conservative yet socially liberal, perfect for appealing to independent voters.
Nearly a dozen billionaires have pledged resources to the project. Six strategic memos were sent to Cookie Monster detailing the plan, along with a batch of homemade cookies. Cookie Monster is downplaying the rumors.
“Me not seen reports, but me sure it just idle talk,” said Mr. Monster, his mouth suspiciously full of homemade cookies.
Some conservatives have reservations about Cookie Monster’s more liberal views. He supports massive education spending and equal rights for LGBT Americans, but conservatives love that he also supports the use of military force pretty much anywhere, mainly to acquire more cookies.
“Me want kahk! Me love kahk,” said Mr. Monster in a 2002 Senate hearing, referring to cookies traditionally eaten in Middle Eastern countries during Ramadan. “Invade Iraq! More countries we conquer, more kahk in me mouth. Devour them all! Get c    ookies!”
When pushed by Senators to clarify his statements, Cookie Monster gave an icy stare and slowly repeated himself.
“Devour them all. Get cookies,” said Mr. Monster, his googly eyes strangely focused. “No survivors. No mercy.”
While he has some liberal views, Cookie Monster has also ruffled feathers in the White House because of his strong warhawk mindset. He’s been one of the most vocal critics of the Obama administration’s policy with Iran, correctly pointing out that America doesn’t gain any cookies from the treaty.
“We tried to tell him that we already have plenty of cookies in America, more than we need,” said President Obama. “We don’t need to start World War 3 over a bunch of weird, farty Middle Eastern cookies with dates in them. Sadly, his cookie obsession is vicious and hard-wired into his DNA. He may be adorable but we must not forget that he’s still a monster.”
Cookie Monster declined to give specifics regarding his initial support of the Iraq War, simply stating “Sometimes me love cookies too much.”
Cookie Monster has starred in over 3.7 million films in his showbiz career, 98 percent of them straight to video. Many compare his lack of big screen credits to a young Ronald Reagan, who was a close friend and occasional lover of his in the 1980s. However, there’s a darker side to the beloved entertainer that could prove harmful in a major election.
Cookie Monster is famous for loving cookies, but what Hollywood doesn’t want people to know is that he couldn’t possibly survive on cookies alone. Cookie Monster also consumes a steady diet of stray cats and dogs. One former production assistant for Sesame Street claims his only job was to collect hundreds of stray animals daily and feed them to Cookie Monster, who would shat out their bones within seconds of digesting them. The assistant would then mop up the soiled blue piles.
With over 79 million pet owners nationwide, these details could halt Cookie Monster’s momentum before it even begins. Yet feral pets are not the only trouble Cookie Monster has seen in half a century of living a Hollywood lifestyle. He was also once caught on camera pooping in a booth at a Denny’s restaurant.
In June of 1993, sources say Cookie Monster ate six tubes of raw cookie dough while driving to work, and being bashful about his reputation, sought out a restroom where no one would notice the smell. Naturally, he stopped at Denny’s. Things took an unfortunate turn when the hostess told him he had to buy something to get the restroom key. Whether what happened next was intentional or an accident is a matter of debate amongst insiders and close friends.
His publicist at the time said pooping in booths was commonplace at Denny’s restaurants, with the vast majority of their elderly and homeless patrons stanking up the booths either accidentally or on purpose. Expert analysts say these matters are ancient history, and are non-issues for the majority of voters.
“As long as Cookie Monster doesn’t molest any children or make a shitty Superman movie, the American people will still love him,” said Republican strategist Karl Rove, who agreed to this interview in exchange for a garbage bag filled with pupusas. “Hell, he could crap his pants someplace nice like an Outback Steakhouse and he’d still be cuter than Hillary Clinton, who looks like one of those cranky, bitter generic muppets Sesame Street uses to warn children about controlling their anger.”
Despite their praise, Cookie Monster was actually the billionaire group’s second choice. They originally chose Dora the Explorer to court female and Latino voters, but plans changed last week when Dora was tragically eaten by giant shit monsters from outer space. They tore Dora into shreds, ate her monkey and barfed the remains into a black hole.
The Republican Convention begins July 18 in lovely Cleveland, Ohio.