In a move applauded by an overwhelming majority of the nation, people who brush their teeth in the bathroom at work have been rounded up and permanently relocated to a deserted island. People of their ilk will be allowed to use the materials they find on the island to build their own community, far away from normal citizens.
Anyone who tries to leave the island will be shot.
Tensions have been building for years between Brushers and Normals. Disgusting, spit-covered sinks and faucets have spread like a plague across the nation, infecting workplaces of every level, from the deeply impoverished to the ultra affluent. After years of suffering, Americans say they’ve had enough. Brushers claim they aren’t doing anything wrong.
“People wanna hate me because I’m a Brush,” said Apple Plainfield, whose workplace brushing sometimes forces normal bathroom users to wait up to two minutes to wash their hands after touching their genitals. “But I’m proud to be a Brush! What people don’t realize is that I have a rare medical condition, one that I made up myself, in which my teeth will rot out if I don’t brush them every four hours.”
In the past, this condition was classified as obsessive compulsive disorder with a touch of delusional narcissism. However, the magic of the Internet has allowed neurotics across the world to band together, using strength in numbers to convince themselves that they’re not crazy. Since having a fictional gluten allergy no longer provides attention or sympathy, egotists were forced to get creative and use unnecessary teeth brushing as a way to appear unique and quirky to their peers.
Many Brushers argue that only a few rogue spitters are to blame, their reckless sputum tainting an entire community of responsible, God-fearing Brushers. Yet Dr. Isaac Kraus, a researcher at Mayo Clinic, says his data shows otherwise.
“Ze results, I haz zeen them!” shouted Dr. Kraus. “Ze Brushers, zhey are like a doggy sneezing on ze proverbial pillow. You cannot tell it is zere, but ze spit is zere. My Particle Refabulator, she does not lie! Outcast zem to ze barren wastelands like filthy, rotten animals!”
Some experts believe that brushing one’s teeth at work is the result of poor working conditions and a difficult economy. Much like The Great Depression, this low period in our nation’s history could be causing people to think and act more selfishly, like cavemen fighting over scraps of dinosaur meat.
“Modern society breeds compulsive behaviors,” said Dr. Leonard Kim, a psychiatrist at John Hopkins Hospital. “Stress and long hours lead to anxiety and nervous habits. Once a person firmly believes society is heading in the wrong direction, they also begin believing their own selfish needs should supersede the basic rights of others. Our social ecosystem is much more fragile than people think. As the world gets less stable, so does its people.”
In the 1980s, brushing one’s teeth at work was a rare phenomenon. At the time, America had a large array of psychiatric facilities to permanently house its mentally ill, but years of corruption and mistreatment of patients caused President Ronald Reagan to shut down those institutions. As a result, Brushers now live amongst regular people. Some believe this to be a dangerous situation.
“We need to build a wall around this island!” said Ben Carson, a presidential candidate with literally zero chance of winning. “Otherwise, Brushers will try to float here on their sad little rafts with their tattered clothes. We need to keep them out! They don’t want to assimilate. They want to cover the country with their spit, befouling as many communal sinks as possible. We are in great danger.”
Officials have assured that Annoying Co-Worker Island, located off the coast of Somalia, has everything a new civilization could want or need. There is an abundance of dirt, rocks and mildly poisonous trees with which residents can construct shanties and weapons to battle one another for supremacy of the island. Misprinted Minnesota Vikings 2001 NFC Champions t-shirts will be provided to clothe the island’s residents.
This tropical paradise - which averages 114 degrees in the summer and below freezing temperatures in the winter - is not fully appreciated by all Brushers. Allyzibeth Sage Moonbeam, a Brusher who sometimes brushes her teeth in the kitchen sink of her office just to be even more of a dick, thinks she deserves better.
“If I hadn’t started brushing my teeth at work a few months ago, I’d probably be dead,” said Moonbeam, clearly lying to get attention. “I’m a really unique person in that I’m allergic to anything that doesn’t occur naturally in nature, so normally I would love to live on a deserted island. But I checked and it turns out the island doesn’t have a Whole Foods Co-op. That’s pretty cruel.
“I mean, I get that people don’t like me because I’m so unique and so interesting, but there are worse people in America,” continued Moonbeam. “At least I’m not one of those freaks who clips their toenails in their cubicle.”