It started innocently enough. Mark Hampton of Superior, WI selected running back Le’Veon Bell with the first pick of his fantasy football league’s draft and high-fived his friend Kenneth. It was an emotional high-five. After four straight years in last place, Hampton finally won the draft lottery and was able to select the best player, whom also happened to be his lifelong hero. Emotions were running high.

Hampton high-fived another guy. Then another. Sally gave him a fist bump. Glenna and her husband Dan provided an overly handsy congratulatory hug. Before long, all eight people in the group were nude and covered in damp orange Cheeto dust, thrusting and grinding uncontrollably against one another like critically wounded animals who might never feel the warmth of daylight again.

A recent study has shown that Hampton’s experience was not a rare one. Precisely one out of every three fantasy football drafts in the United States end in graphic, unadulterated orgies. And not the attractive Hollywood kind. Rather, real people orgies where sweat pours off an out of shape middle-aged man’s reddened, grunting face, dripping and collecting into a pool in an anonymous stranger’s butt crack.

Hampton arrived home three days later, dehydrated and walking with a heavy limp, his clothes torn and tattered, his hair a matted mess of glitter and crusted semen. Le’Veon Bell - and the National Football League specifically - had “turnt up” Hampton to the glamorous, occasionally glittery side of fantasy football league drafts.

“It’s just the natural progression of things, I guess,” said Hampton. “You spend every waking moment of your free time studying every muscled inch of athletic young men and asking questions about their bodies, and it has an effect on you. You start to make personal compromises. You don’t normally appreciate the company of men, but you might make an exception if Percy Harvin gets a second rushing touchdown in this game. In time, a football end around turns into a real life reach around.”

NFL sex moonlighting - or poonlighting, as experts call it - caused by the adrenaline rush of fantasy football has important medical professionals across the country concerned about the spread of such unregulated debauchery.

“I’m not concerned at all,” said Lloyd Bixby, an important medical professional at Mayo Clinic. “Frankly, I’m hoping someone will invite me to a fantasy football draft. It would allow me to finally test out this Fitbit.”

With 100 percent of medical professionals agreeing that fantasy football directly causes Roman bathhouse style disrobing and copulation, it’s no longer possible to argue that fantasy football isn’t fun. The erotic nature of the hobby affects men and women equally. Jennifer Dalton, a mild mannered 60-year-old librarian from Minneapolis, recently had her all-female fantasy football draft turn into a half-naked pillow fight in which she and her retirement-aged friends tore off each other’s clothes and wrestled nude in jello for the right to draft first. Various 18th century cannons filled with whipped cream were also deployed.

While it’s borderline impossible to dislike whipped cream cannons, some experts believe these newfound sexual freedoms are a negative influence on society.

“I’m not saying joining a fantasy football league makes you a genetically mangled prostitute with no preference whatsoever for looks or gender,” said Thomas Randolph, a researcher at the University of Minnesota. “But it totally makes you a genetically mangled prostitute with no preference whatsoever for looks or gender. Especially in my league. Yikes.”

While most are enjoying their newfound Sexual NFL Awakening, some innocent bystanders say they’re getting unfairly swept up in the action. Todd Melrose, who isn’t even in a fantasy football league, believes the very act of listening to his co-workers ramble on about fantasy football strategies has subconsciously led him to have intercourse with his pet turtle.

“Gee, what an amazing coincidence,” said Melrose. “How convenient that I randomly started fucking turtles the same week that my co-worker told me a boring story about his fantasy football lineup. It’s not a coincidence. I wasn’t born to mangle my dangle in a cartilaginous shell, but now I have no choice. Putting my P in a turtle’s V is now all I do, all day. Thanks a lot, fantasy football. Now I can never watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in a public theater again.”

Amber Dalek of Balsam Township had a similar experience.

“I want to make it clear that I’ve never had full anal intercourse with anyone - let alone an arctic penguin - until my roommate joined a fantasy football league,” said Doring. “[NFL Commissioner] Roger Goodell has a lot of explaining to do, to both myself and the arctic penguin.”

As the sun sets and draft day comes to an end, a lone wanderer approaches. Greg Daugherty, a newcomer to the fantasy football experience, has arrived late because of his unorthodox work schedule. His eyes glaze over as he surveys the remains of the NFL’s unintended sexual destruction.

“Um, I just wanted to drink beer and geek out about football,” said Daugherty. “Why is everyone, like, blowing each other? Forget this, I’m 35 years old. I’m gonna go home and watch TV instead.”