Converse has updated their iconic line of Chuck Taylor shoes for the first time in 98 years, and friends and family of 36-year-old Todd Dorfman have gone into hiding, avoiding the elderly hipster at all costs.

“Oh God, he’s never gonna shut up about this,” said Emma Dorfman, Todd’s sister. “Two fucking months. That’s what it’s going to be. Two months of pissing and moaning about a goddamn shoe that looks identical to the old ones. I don’t give a damn, Todd! I don’t even know what eyelets are! Ugh, I hope he reads this so I don’t have to tell him directly.”

Fortunately, Todd has already spent hours obsessing over this topic in his head, going over every possible argument regarding the subject. He has currently worked out 26 different witty comebacks and snarky, condescending tones that fit nearly every possible situation.

“They look identical? That’s an interesting choice of words,” said Todd, crossing his arms condescendingly. “Because Webster’s dictionary defines identical as the same, but even a blind person can see these apocalyptic differences. Where is the racing stripe along the rubber? Where is the iconic white stitching? I see blue and white in the All Star patch, but where’s the red? Where are the goddamn silver eyelets? Are we that dead inside as a species that we’re just going to pretend we don’t miss the silver eyelets?! I don’t understand why everyone around me is calm when we are in the infancy of the 9/11 of shoes.”

Despite Converse’s ISIS-based terroristic agenda - which includes better padding and comfort with the same classic look, while also selling the older classic shoes alongside the new ones - it’s just not the way Todd would run things if given the chance.

“I’m so on board with doing a complete redesign of the classic Chuck Taylors,” said Todd. “Totally on board. I just think the redesigned shoes should look and feel exactly like the originals, with no changes whatsoever.”

Todd has a long history of getting upset over things that don’t matter or even apply to him at all, including gluten allergies, GMO foods, vegan-friendly microbrewed beer, the scoring rules of neighborhood bicycle polo matches, and Panda Express’ refusal to switch to a transgendered panda mascot. These causes - or rather the tedious, labored discussion of them - takes up most of Todd’s time in his shoddy Echo Park apartment.

“Todd just needs something to fill up his time that isn’t stupid,” said Glenna Dorfman, Todd’s mother. “If he had gotten married and had babies like a normal person, he wouldn’t have time to get angry over slight changes in a cheap shoe. He’d still be obnoxious, but he’d be a normal obnoxious person instead of . . . well, instead of whatever this is.”

Even teenaged family members who share 100 percent of Todd’s angst and overly simplistic worldviews can’t seem to stand him for more than ten minutes.

“He likes all the same things I do,” said Mason Dorfman, age 16. “He listens to the same music as me, dresses like me and holds the same naive, shortsighted political views that only work in fictional TV shows. He drinks the same brand of beer as me, obsesses over the same strain of weed that I like, and even visits the same cool hookah bars. I hate him so much. Jesus, Todd. Just fuck off, bro. Act like an old person already. Why don’t you go to Japan and ‘teach English’ to uniformed schoolgirls, like the rest of the creepy weirdos your age?”

Todd briefly considered teaching English in Japan after watching a segment about it on Vice, but declined after realizing the difficulty of buying marijuana there.

“Look, I’m a hip [sic], modern young person [sic] who is nearly perfect [sic] in all ways,” said Todd. “I just want the same thing all perfect people like myself [sic] want. I want every single thing that exists in this universe to be custom-tailored specifically to my tastes, as if I’m the only person who exists and everyone else is dead. I don’t think that’s unreasonable.”

Gregory Fleek, head of public relations for Converse, agrees with Todd.

“Everything Mr. Dorfman says is true,” said Fleek. “It’s a rather large conspiracy. For the past 98 years, we at Converse have met daily to discuss what Mr. Dorfman dislikes about shoes, and how we can incorporate all those things into our product so he won’t buy it. Converse exists solely to make Todd Dorfman angry.”

When informed of these comments, Dorfman shrugged, having already forgotten his rage and moved on to complaining about another trendy issue that he’ll only care about for three days.

“Stupid ThinkGeek,” said Todd. “That Knight Rider cellphone charger they’re releasing is a goddamn joke. The three vertical bars on the bottom left of the panel were yellow in the show, not green. The whole piece is ruined. If there was a 9/11 of cellphone chargers, this would be it. I don’t understand how more people aren’t furious about this.”