Shit. SHIT! He’s gonna talk again! Stitch him up! I don’t care what you have to do, just get his damn mouth closed! We’ve got ten seconds! Who the hell knows what might come through there! Get it closed, damn it! I don’t care, shut it now!

“Well, somebody’s doing the raping, Don,” said Trump. “I mean somebody’s doing it! Who’s doing the raping? Who’s doing the raping?”

It’s not working! I need tranquilizers over here! As much as you’ve got, Marcuse! If he speaks again, then this whole damn campaign’s been for nothing! Goddamn it, Marcuse! Where is the damn risperidone?! Take cover! Fire in the goddamn hole!

“Free trade is terrible,” said Trump. “Free trade can be wonderful if you have smart people. But [America has] stupid people.”

Is it closed?! Oh, thank God. That seems to have done the trick. We should be safe for a while now. Leonard, go check with the public relations team and see how much damage we incurred. I just hope we have enough time to fix it. But for now, We get some much needed R&R. Marcuse, have I ever told about the time I made love to a 4’10” woman? The wind was mischievous that day, Marcuse. But not as mischievous as Anamarisa’s majestic lady caves, which were scented with . . .  LOOK OUT, MARCUSE! WE’VE GOT A LEAK!

“When Mexico sends its people, they’re not sending their best; they’re not sending you,” said Trump. “They’re sending people that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems with us. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume, are good people.”

Noooo! YOU BASTARD! YOU KILLED MARCUSE! Emergency stations, everyone! This is the big one! You’ve been training for this your entire careers! Get this terrible, awful man - whom we are propping up and irresponsibly spoon-feeding to the American people in exchange for a meager paycheck - to shut the hell up. If we get him elected, we’ll all be rich, but we can’t do that if he’s able to speak! Trump is a monster, but he’s our monster damn it, and it’s our job to keep him silent until election day. Let’s go, Purcell! Oh boy, what the hell is that? Sweet mother of...

“[John McCain] is not a war hero,” Trump said. “He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured.”

Strap on, ladies and gents! Get your ass in gear, Purcell! This is the big one! I know I said the last one was the big one, but clearly this one is slightly bigger, which really makes me look like a jerk. I’m sorry for making this all about me, but I feel somewhat cheated. Brace for impact! We can’t control it anymore! Only Jesus or Buddha or television’s Ben McKenzie can save us now!

“I will build a great wall - and nobody builds walls better than me,believe me - and I’ll build them very inexpensively,” said Trump. “I will build a great, great wall on our southern border, and I will make Mexico pay for that wall. Mark my words.”

Wow. Ben McKenzie, was that you? That wasn’t bad at all. It was downright idiotic, but it wasn’t offensive. He didn’t mention rape or pretend he knew anything about countries. Maybe he’s getting better. Maybe that’s as bad as it gets. Maybe Ben truly is watching over all of...

“[Ariana Huffington] is unattractive both inside and out,” said Trump. “I fully understand why her former husband left her for a man - he made a good decision.”

Goddamn it! I need that Trump mouth sewn up, Purcell! He just called a lady ugly and said she gayed her husband! There’s worse coming if we don’t get this done! Double time! Hurry, you worthless bastards!

“While [Bette Midler] is an extremely unattractive woman, I refuse to say that because I always insist on being politically correct,” said Trump.

We can’t take much more of this! The campaign is crumbling! Watch those leaks! I don’t want anything else getting...  oh no. Dear God, what have we done? He’s switching to minority issues! He’s gonna erupt! Every human for themselves! Run! Run your damned ass off, Purcell!

“Sadly, the overwhelming amount of violent crime in our major cities is committed by blacks and hispanics,” said Trump.

Abandon ship! Run for the escape pods! Run for your life! Forget about sealing his damn mouth shut, Purcell! Let him say what he wants! Let’s get out of here before the whole place crumbles! This ship is going down! Forget the damned coffee machine, Purcell! They’re heavy and not very valuable! Steal one of the managerial chair cushions on your way out! They’re deceivingly expensive!