Presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton - whose only chance of losing the Democratic nomination is if Bernie Sanders releases a contagion that kills every American over the age of 20 - held a press conference with Pornhub today where she pledged LGBT support by watching a clip of transgendered pornography.

The three minute video clip, titled “Wiener Smashers Vol. 47: Trans With Vans”, features transgendered porn actresses copulating in the back of custom-painted vans. The video received one and a half stars out of five from the website’s user base.

“Well, I liked the vans,” said Clinton, rubbing her eyes as if she had just seen a ghost. “The van decorated with horses fleeing the apocalypse showed a lot of skill, and the one with “Van on the run” painted on the side was a clever nod to a classic Wings song. I didn’t care much for the aforementioned wiener smashing. While I fully support equal rights for transgendered individuals, there are twice as many ball slapping sounds in those types of films. It is a sound which is not to my liking.”

Later in the day, Clinton canceled an unrelated campaign appearance at a local gourmet sausage festival, claiming she felt “a little under the weather.”

Political rival Bernie Sanders (no relation to former NFL cornerback Deion Sanders, former NFL running back Barry Sanders, chicken baron Colonel Sanders, Olympic gold medalist Summer Sanders, MLB commentator John Sanders, Canadian rhythmic gymnast Mary Sanders, film director Rupert Sanders, journalist Marlene Sanders, fictional Heroes TV show character Niki Sanders, deceased US Federal Judge Barefoot Sanders, former MLB shortstop Ryne Sandberg or fictional Weekend at Bernie’s character Bernie Lomax) accused Clinton of being insincere.

“Anybody can watch two trannies slopping all over each other on the internet for a few minutes,” said Sanders, visibly angered by Clinton’s trans laziness. “You wouldn’t watch a video of someone flying a plane and then call yourself a pilot. Get in there. Get your hands dirty. Let’s see some trans on those hands.”

Sanders plans to one-up Clinton by producing and starring in his own transgendered adult film.

“I love this country too much to let a few penises get in the way,” said Sanders, his hair flapping in the wind like Doc Brown in the clock tower scene of Back to the Future. “To be honest, I’m not sure that directly associating transgendered people with pornography is very helpful to their community, but this country desperately needs income equality, political oversight and strict environmental reform. If starring in a ladyboy video is what I have to do to make that happen, then line up some dongs. I will fit them all [inside of me] for America.”

As expected, Republicans were utterly repulsed by Clinton’s comments.

“Who the hell puts a Wings lyric on the side of a goddamn van?” said Republican candidate Jeb Bush. “Wings sucks! Just because it’s Paul McCartney doesn’t mean it’s automatically good. The fact that she liked that shitty van shows she’s not ready to lead this country. Literally anything would be better than Wings. For instance, ‘Vanarchy in the UK’ by The Sex Pistols, or ‘I Wanna Vance With Somebody’ by Whitney Houston. If I had a dime for every time some asshole put ‘Van on the Run’ on a custom van, I wouldn’t even have to hold fundraisers.”

Other Republican hopefuls also jumped at the chance to cash in on Clinton’s remarks, but some used the incident to attack Bush.

“Hey dickface!” shouted New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, directly confronting Bush at a Walmart opening they both attended in Waterloo, Iowa. “I’m from New Jersey. I own a custom van with ‘Van on the Run’ airbrushed on the side, just like everyone else in my state. You got a problem with that?”

“I’m sorry your van sucks,” retorted Bush, making a jerking off motion with his left hand as he boarded his campaign bus.

Most candidates walked the straight (pun intended) line of attacking Clinton.

“Thank God I’m a Republican, and don’t have to pander for votes from crazy people,” said Texas Senator Ted Cruz, an hour before voting down a bill that would have required background checks for people buying armor piercing bullets on the Internet. “If I’m going to watch transsexuals bang each other, it’s going to be in my private home. Maybe every other Thursday at 2pm when my wife is getting her hair did.”

Clinton stood by her decision to support trans Americans, explaining her position with the recitation of Martin Niemöller’s beautiful poem from 1955.

“When they came for the pee drinkers, I remained silent because I did not drink pee,” said Clinton at a transgender conference, lowering her voice to sound more like the people she was addressing. “But when they came for the transgendered people, I knew that it was time to fight, because next they might come after me.”

“And before anyone asks,” added Clinton, “I’d like to note that I don’t have a penis. Thank you and God bless.”

The crowd of transgendered conference attendees rolled their eyes and politely golf clapped at this idiotic yet well meaning statement.

“Progress is progress,” said Stephanie Mulholland, a transgendered activist and mother of three adopted children, “even if the person trying to help is a complete moron.”