My dog just dropped a deuce, and since local neighborhood folk are watching, I picked it up. This is why I like the winter better, when it gets dark earlier. Not only does darkness make picking up after my dog optional, but it also allows me to look into other people’s homes to see if their possessions are better than mine.

The nearest garbage can is all the way on the other side of the block, which is tedious. At that strenuous distance, the stank of this unwanted care package may permeate my clothing and disrupt other parts of my life. Fortunately, there’s an open bed pickup truck up ahead. That’s similar to a garbage can!

The truck is old and rusty, and there’s already a massive pile of dusty, oily garbage in the back. I’m willing to bet there’s at least seven other bags of dog poo hidden in it already. There has to be. I can’t be the only person who has ever thought of this. If a poo bag falls in a pickup truck and no one’s around to hear it, does it make a sound? Rest assured that it does, my friends. I’ve checked. Not to worry, though. No harm was done. If the truck owner is displeased, they can just throw it away. It’s not that difficult. I mean, there’s a garbage can just on the other side of this block. How selfish can they be?
I believe the classic broken window theory is a two-way street. Yes, one person not caring and dropping a mystery truck poo leads to other people not caring and doing the same, but this mild form of anarchy is a refreshing change from the strictness of Homeowner Associations. My neighborhood is crappy, so we can do what we want! My dog just pooped in that guy’s truck! Next, I’m going to paint my apartment mauve.

Mauve, I tell you!  I don’t actually know what color mauve is, but I’m really hoping it’s not purple.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty much invincible in this matter. Even if someone saw me toss that poobag in the truck, they’d have no hard evidence that it’s from my dog. DNA testing is still far too expensive for most professionals, let alone civilians. Fingerprinting is cheaper, but considerably less effective on dogs. I seem to be in the clear.

As the great theologian David Duchovny once said regarding his weenus, at least I’m putting it somewhere. I could have left my dog’s business on the sidewalk. I could have just shouted something threatening and walked away with my middle fingers held up, but I have class. Dignity is very important to me.

I think I’m being rather generous by throwing this bag of dog turds into someone’s pickup truck. That person will now have a funny story to tell. “You’ll never believe what some asshole threw in the back of my truck.” The people who hear their story will then have a story to tell THEIR friends. By my own estimations, my creative littering is helping anywhere between two people and 7 million. I can’t pay forward money or love, because I have none to give. So I’m paying forward stories instead.

It’s almost like I bought the world a Coke. Almost.

The only negative scenario I can think of is if the truck owner watched me from their apartment, chased me down the block and beat the bejesus out of me. I’m pretty sure 100 percent of this newspaper’s readership would pay to see that. But I’m skinny and fast, while people who own pickup trucks usually do manual labor for a living and are tired a lot. I’m willing to bet they won’t catch me.

I suppose someone could set a trap to catch me, but that would take a lot of work. People who live in poor neighborhoods like mine are generally too lazy for that. I’m definitely too lazy for that. There’s at least a 50/50 chance that the guy who owns that truck is drunk 24 hours a day, or has committed a crime and deserves poo in their truck.

The only other alternative I can think of is to throw this bag of doggie surprise on the roof of someone’s house. This alternative works because A) It’s funny, B) It might not be noticed for years, which is extra funny, and C) Chucking roof poops might give me some much needed exercise. It’s a healthy activity that gets your heart rate up.

But that’s Tomorrowland stuff from the future. Today, I’m chucking this bag of dog poo into the back of this pickup truck. I hope this person appreciates the thought I’ve put into all this.