My nephew will be two years old in a few weeks. Now that he can talk, and is therefore able to inform others of how cheap I am, I have to start buying him good gifts instead of random garbage I found in a dumpster. I’ve compiled a list of 10 gifts for my brother and his wife to choose from. Please allow 6-8 weeks for processing. Shipping is not included, and will be billed later.

Stock options. Hey, guess what! I bought my nephew stock options! That’s why he hasn’t received a gift from me this year. It’s not because I’m a cheap douchebag and a liar. I bought him stock options that are in my name and that you cannot see except for this very generic receipt I’ve provided claiming I bought it. Which company? Oh, it’s stock in, um . . . Pump N’ Munch. It’s a brand of gas station in Minnesota and Wisconsin. Yep, once he turns 18, which is 16 YEARS FROM NOW, I’ll transfer all the Pump N’ Munch stock into his name. Assuming, of course, that you remember any of this 16 years from now. Which you won’t. I hope.

Vipertek VTS-979 Stun Gun (pink version). Nothing is more important than my nephew’s safety. Nothing! That’s why I’m giving him a taser to fend off potential body organ thieves and gang rapists. It’s pink because the pink ones are cheaper. I’m not a game show host. The gifts I give away are not free. He can electrocute people just as well with a pink one.

A bottle of Highland Park 18-year single malt scotch whiskey. My dog accidentally drank some of this whiskey earlier this year, and he didn’t die. I’m sure it’s fine for nephews as well. He’s a Ryan, so he technically already has whiskey in his blood at all times. That’s why we Ryan men mostly sit around the house watching TV. The whiskey makes us sluggish. Anyway, the liquor store is having a buy one get one free sale, so I figured I’d offer.

Absolutely nothing for the first 20 years of his life, followed by $1 million on his 21st birthday. $1 million is subject to availability, and not guaranteed.

Bittorrent. The internet is now an essential tool for succeeding in life. So I will teach my nephew how to use Bittorrent, which will come in tremendously handy in college when he has no money but still wants to watch Game of Thrones or install the latest version of Photoshop. This lesson in entitlement will prove helpful for years to come, especially if he turns out to be an impoverished deadbeat like his uncle. This is the gift I’m hoping you’ll choose, because it’s free.

Free cable TV with Showtime and Starz. This is somewhat counterproductive since we could just use Bittorrent for free, but I saw a flyer posted in my neighborhood that offers an illegal cable hookup for a one-time fee of $19. If I’m buying someone a birthday gift and can get out of it for less than a twenty, that’s pretty solid.

The most powerful Nerf weapon I can find. I don’t believe in toys aimed at certain genders, and I don’t believe in toys aimed at certain ages. He’s two years old; that’s almost eight. It’s time for the Nerf N-Strike Elite Rhino-Fire Blaster. Two alternating barrels of motorized blasting. 50 darts per clip and a removable tripod. Screeching darts of death splashing into mom’s coffee from up to 90 feet. It also requires six gigantic “D” batteries that will die out in an hour, and are not included. Good times.

Pinnacle Pro DLX. The truth is that you don’t know what your kid is doing when you’re not around. How would you know if he was smoking ILLEGAL TOBACCO CIGARETTES? You wouldn’t. It’s best to play it safe and provide him the tools to quit smoking. The Pinnacle Pro DLX vape pen is stylish, sophisticated and space years ahead of its time. It can be used for e-cigarettes now, and non-illegal marijuanas when he’s older and drug dealers have found profitable loopholes in Minnesota’s new medical marijuana law. If he doesn’t want it, I can just keep it for him.

Something with Shrek on it? Oh god, what does he like now? It changes so often, I can’t keep up. Shrek? Is that still a thing? Because I do not want to buy something this ugly if he’s not into it anymore. You sure? Okay, let’s find a Shrek thing to buy.

A half-nude photo of Honor Blackman. Nope, don’t fight me on this. It’s time. In the Ryan family, when a man turns the age of two, we give them The Talk and show them the half-nude photo of Honor Blackman as a reference. If she was good enough for the producers of James Bond’s classic film Goldfinger - which mustered a commanding $51.08 million at the box office in 1964 - then she’s good enough for us. Wait, maybe we give The Talk at age 16. I don’t remember. Eh, who cares. He’ll learn it from the street kids. It’s a nice picture, though. I could send it over just for you. Hello? You still there? Well, it’s their loss.