Thor
Fuck Thor. He isn’t even a superhero. He’s a character from Greek mythology. It’s like if Stan Lee announced a new superhero he thought up named Jesus Christ. Thor looks ridiculously dated and out of place, no matter the medium. The new Avengers movie is full of amazing special effects and futuristic costumes, and then Thor strolls in looking like something from a crappy renaissance fair.

So again, fuck Thor. He should be working at a gas station with the rest of the star athletes from my high school. Vision picked up his hammer anyway. He’s not a God anymore. Vision may look like Lieutenant Commander Data from Star Trek, but he’s a lot cooler than Thor.

Green Arrow/Hawkeye
Bows and arrows? Stop it. Stop being such a hipster, with your vintage weapons and environmentally friendly deaths. Stealing from the rich and giving to the poor is a great premise, especially for modern times, so why not make Hawkeye and Green Arrow villains who restore the middle class by taking out the rich, one arrow at a time? I could root for a clever, stealthy executioner villain, unlike the current Hawkeye, who spent the entirety of the latest Avengers movie standing in the middle of battlefields, shooting goddamn arrows at goddamn super mutants. I can’t remember if Green Arrow is stealthy in his new soap opera on the CW network. I have yet to make it through an entire episode without fast-forwarding through all the feelings.

Beast
I love Beast. He’s physically strong but also sophisticated. Vicious one moment, a charming politician the next. Yet every time I see him, all I can think is “Boy, do I hate Kelsey Grammer.”

Wolverine
Why doesn’t Wolverine wear that rad yellow suit with the mask anymore? I know Hugh Jackman is attractive, but the wife beaters and bad sideburns are getting old. Stop dressing like a homeless person from the 1950s and start dressing like a weird Nazi experiment gone right.

Silver Surfer
A superhero with a surfboard. Oy. Silver Surfer is the Poochie the Dog of the Marvel universe. Maybe next, DC could do a superhero who gets powers from a hackey sack. I have very little respect for a character who can surf anywhere in the universe, yet chooses to go to Earth and partner with Green Lantern. Green Lantern sucks. We all know this. Even the actor playing Green Lantern ditched him to play Deadpool instead. It’s understandable, but it’s gotta hurt.

Green Lantern
Some guy wins epic battles with his old high school class ring? No wonder Jostens’ charges so much.

Aquaman
People want an Aquaman movie about as much as they want three colonoscopies back-to-back. If DC wants to drop $200 million on a turd, at least let that turd be Detective Chimp. He’s a superhero chimp who wears a Sherlock Holmes hat and coat (a full suit with a tie!). He smokes a pipe and drinks beer. He’s very sarcastic and droll, and uses curse words! It’s so terrible that it’s brilliant. Dry sarcasm doesn’t work underwater. I’ve tried. Let’s dump Aquaman and do the chimp movie.

Superman
I don’t hate Superman. I just hate his hair. That little s-shaped curl might as well be a mullet. Nobody respects 1950s dad hair these days. To be fair, Smallville modernized his hairstyle, but you have to trade leaping buildings in a single bound for long-winded discussions about feelings.

Can we just put Superman on the back burner for a while and try again with Supergirl? The reboot with the comics a decade ago was really great. It’s a shame it wasn’t made into a movie before DC turned the comic into a full-on whackoff mag with that anime art style they’re using now. They might as well have her fighting against rapey tentacle monsters. Actually, I might buy that if they let Junko Mizuno draw it. Someone make some calls.

Wonder Woman
So much promise. So much potential. A superhero who uses her sexuality as a weapon! Oh wait, that’s every female superhero. So unless she has Clark bars and Hall & Oates tunes shooting out of her business, it’s a bit of a crowded field. The overwhelming amount of fetishistic S&M elements in the original Wonder Woman comics, combined with her invisible plane that lets the paparazzi photograph her vagina as she’s flying, makes Wonder Woman a very difficult character to use in modern times.

Fortunately, like most problems, this one can be solved with violence. Replace Wonder Woman’s boobs with two of those military sonic weapons that make protesters throw up. It’s a real thing. They’re called Long Range Acoustic Devices (LRADs). It would send a strong message to chauvinistic young nerds everywhere: Treat ladies respectfully, or an Amazonian woman who is oddly Caucasian will give you the barfies. And for God’s sake, give Wonder Woman some friends. The character has no friends. Just that beard Steve Trevor. Even I have more than one friend, and I’m a terrible person. A superhero should be more popular.