It was three years ago when two men realized that they had a gift. They carried the ability to channel the universe and hear its secrets. Their pure souls could perceive the cosmic voices speaking to them, sometimes in whispers, sometimes in loud shouts. For some reason their powers only work once a year. Towards the end of each April, right before the Duluth-Superior Homegrown Music Festival, the voices grow to the point where they cannot be ignored. Tortured by these truths from the planets and stars, they have no other choice than to write them down. Once again, they will humbly share the wisdoms of the cosmos with another Homegrown Horoscopes.  
Homegrown will commence on Sunday, April 26. The stars speak of hope and celebration for all signs on the first day. After that, the universe was pretty specific about a few things.  

Aries
March 21-April 19

Monday, April 27
Start calling Jamie Ness three hours before his show with The Boomchucks to make sure he’s awake.

Tuesday, April 28
Laramie Carlson Probably doesn’t want to take a swirly light picture around your butt hole, so don’t ask him.

Wednesday, April 29
After the Iron Range Outlaw Brigade show, discuss with them why the 2nd Amendment should be abolished.

Thursday, April 30
Gabriel Douglas’ beard is like a push n’ play play-doh set, but you should see his downstairs.

Friday, May 1
Although Dave Mehling may look like a man now, it’s best to remind him of all those years when he looked like he was 14.

Saturday, May 2
Saturday night will be the opportune moment for you to showcase your musical talents by hopping on the stage with Fred Tyson, everyone else is.

Sunday, May 3
You finally realize that Brad and Tim Nelson are NOT the same person. It’s disappointing knowing there are two but you’ll get through this somehow.


Taurus
April 20-May 20


Monday, April 27
If you check out the Homegrown schedule in the Reader, double check to make sure it’s not the schedule from 2009.

Tuesday, April 28
Our stars say that “Crafty” Ellen’s stars from Craftyscopes in the Transistor are full of shit.

Wednesday, April 29
Bob Monahan will ask you to be part of his empire. Then he’ll blow you, then blow you off. Take no offense. Fashion models are so fickle.

Thursday, April 30
If you happen to be playing in the middle slot during the night, Jake Larson will be thrilled to set up mics and soundcheck your 16 piece drum set. He likes a good challenge.

Friday, May 1
That free pitcher of beer you snagged from the floor of the men’s room at the Rex maybe wasn’t such a steal after all.

Saturday, May 2
If you showed up to the Timmy Jacks Off show actually thinking there would be a kid named Timmy jacking off, seek counseling.

Sunday, May 3
Rick McLean shouldn’t be trusted. It’s not that he’s a ginger, there’s just something about him. Who shotguns NA beer?

Gemini
May 21-June 20


Monday, April 27
Marc Gartman says, “don’t listen to my music because it’s good, listen because of your guilt.” Go see his show or you’ll feel bad.

Tuesday, April 28
If you see Emily Larson out at a show and she’s not rocking the “devil horns,” tell her you’re not voting for her.

Wednesday, April 29
Don’t be shy. Ask Todd Eckart to perform a song from his upcoming rap album.

Thursday, April 30
You feel like Charlie Parr has forsaken Duluth? It’s true. He will only be seen with Lane Prekker in Superior now.

Friday, May 1
If you go to Carmody and see the best Homegrown show you’ve ever seen, it’s time to lay off the drugs.

Saturday, May 2
Chad Lyons will try to live out his fantasy of being an actual athlete by wearing an expensive jersey at kickball and actualize his true lot in life by puking on himself. Yay! Win!

Sunday, May 3
Have the feeling that Dave Carroll doesn’t care about you anymore? Oh, wait, that’s just me.

Cancer
June 21-July 22


Monday, April 27
If you see Jody Kujawa out, give that man a hug. He probably needs one.

Tuesday, April 28
Breanne Marie would totally get wasted with you but she’s pregnant so quit trying to get her to drink, asshole.

Wednesday, April 29
If you are religiously devout, get all of you bible thumping friends and go the the Starling of Athens show at the Gopher.

Thursday, April 30
That guy who bought you a drink doesn’t have plans to ravage your love canal tonight. He’s actually pretty decent. It’ll be at least a few months before you find someone that decent. You might not like his beard but get his number and you’ll have time to try to change him later.

Friday, May 1
In your darkest time tonight, hold up your chin and gaze in Heiko’s eyes.

Saturday, May 2
No one will appreciate it if you show up to the fire spinning performance of the Spin Collective with an aerosol can and a lighter to add “back up fire.”

Sunday, May 3
It’s fair to say Hattie Peterson isn’t going to talk to you anytime soon after last night. Better go on Facebook and tell everyone on how you plan on making a change for the better this summer. Good luck on that.

Leo
July 23-August 22


Monday, April 27
Lorenzo’s Tractor will pull the plug on themselves in the middle of their set and keep playing.

Tuesday, April 28
When Ed Gleason offers you a drink, take it and order five more to forget the two hours you just lost listening to his superhero stories.

Wednesday, April 29
Tonight might be the perfect time to confront Christine Dean about why you didn’t end up on her Homegrown mix. It was probably personal, don’t think differently.

Thursday, April 30
Go ahead and ask Lane Prekker when he’s actually going to learn a real instrument.

Friday, May 1
It’s unlikely Dead Skull will play your Boy George request.

Saturday, May 2
Paul Whyte will win the kickball game! With help from Lane. Gee…thanks, stars.

Sunday, May 3
The perfect place to pass out for a little while will be the second encore of the Homegrown music video showing at the Red Herring.  

Virgo
August 23-September 22

Monday, April 27
Jay and Mindy are leaving town. This is very true. The reasons are lies. Jay has a flesh wound and Mindy has spawned dragons from her breasts…typical.

Tuesday, April 28
If you miss the Bratwurst show, don’t worry. Their vegan performance will be much less impressive.

Wednesday, April 29
Jesse Dermody from The Brothers Burn Mountain isn’t suffering a stroke. He just looks like that when he plays drums.

Thursday, April 30
Superior isn’t on a hill. You’re that drunk and compensating for the way you walk in Duluth.

Friday, May 1
It’s cool. Brennan Atchison will be more than happy to take your credit card at RT’s and swipe it for each drink for the whole night. The same goes for all of your friends. He’s a nice guy like that. He knows you’re strapped for cash so don’t feel bad about not tipping.

Saturday, May 2
Tell Maddy Siiter that Nashville is fine, but heading further south is a bad idea.

Sunday, May 3
If you’re feeling sick on the final day at Canal Park Brewing it’s advisable to run across the street and throw up all over the Saratoga’s front door so they can still feel like they’re part of Homegrown somehow.

Libra
September 23-October 22

Monday, April 27
Richard Narum will try to make out with your man, but sans-beard, he has no chance. You, handsome lady, are safe.
 
Tuesday, April 28
Your debate on why Mary Bue should start doing speed metal won’t go far.

Wednesday, April 29
Although it might sound like a good idea, it’s doubtful that Duluth-Superior Symphony Orchestra conductor, Dirk Meyer, wants to be in your new bluegrass band.

Thursday, April 30
If you go to the Anchor on Thursday intending to go to the shows and never leave, you either just lost or won Homegrown. It’s hard to say.

Friday, May 1
If you need to throw up during The Blasphemists’ show, you’re in luck, they have a trashcan on stage. Become a part of Homegrown history.  

Saturday, May 2
The Peg Leg Howlers will make you appreciate amputee sex. The stump will make you want to hump.

Sunday, May 3
Ask Rick Boo when he can open the NorShor Theatre in Duluth again so Nickelback can play at Homegrown.

Scorpio
October 23-November 21


Monday, April 27
Quit trying to dare Bridget Ideker to do crazy things. It’s Bridget the Brave not Bridget the Stupid.

Tuesday, April 28
Tell Adam Sippola to get a real job…like an accountant or Jerry curl model.

Wednesday, April 29
If you pepper spray a hippie at the Trampled by Turtles show no one will probably care. Some might even thank you for it.

Thursday, April 30
Kick John Farrell in the nuts. It might save on more cute baby photos on Facebook in the years to come.

Friday, May 1
The guys from Paper Parlor will offer you a ride home. They’re not old enough to drink and need a buyer.

Saturday, May 2
It’s unlikely Troy Roger from Robot Rickshaw will be down to build you your own personal sex-bot.

Sunday, May 3
For some reason the stars say to dress up like a shark and attack Mayor Don Ness and when you get arrested repeat, “he’s a damned filthy liar,” over and over.

Sagittarius
November 22-December 21


Monday, April 27
Tonight would be a good time to ask Karen Sunderman to feature the grindcore band you started two weeks ago to be on The Playlist.

Tuesday, April 28
Steve Sola will need a place to crash tonight…and tomorrow, and the day after that, and…

Wednesday, April 29
If you get drunk enough, don’t feel bad to if you think that Glitteratti and The Acceleratii are the same band.

Thursday, April 30
Don’t worry if you miss the Bliss show at Red Mug. According to him, “the most important things in life are invisible.”

Friday, May 1
When calling Agate Taxi and you’re told that it will take 20 minutes to be picked up, start a fire, pitch a tent and post up next to the Reader office. Dean will apologize in June.

Saturday, May 2
If Joe Ulvi shows up to kickball, keep an eye on him around the ball.

Sunday, May 3
If you’re attending the final shows this afternoon, just keep your eyes open. Keep those eyes open…you can do it.

Capricorn
December 22-January 19


Monday, April 27
Save money at the bar by sniffing Tyler Burzynski’s breath. You’ll get more bang for your buck.

Tuesday, April 28
Scott Gusts will pop-and-lock near you. Take him home and treat him as a gerbil. He likes it. (Have a lot of cedar chips).

Wednesday, April 29
Tonight is a good time to convince Walt Dizzo why your band should play the headlining slot at Clyde Iron next Homegrown.

Thursday, April 30
Feel free to ask Adam Guggemos why there’s seven photos that are related to kickball in the Field Guide. Seven! And not even one close up shot of Paul or Lane.

Friday, May 1
Laying down dollars at the Duluth Dolls burlesque show isn’t really going to get you anywhere except maybe kicked out.

Saturday, May 2
The stars say that the members of Average Mammals are more than average in some ways. FYI, girls.

Sunday, May 3
The Duluth music scene isn’t pretentious. It’s possible you really just suck that bad.

Aquarius
January 20-February 18


Monday, April 27
Just because he’s Superfly McFlash doesn’t mean he’s going to flash you. Sorry ladies.

Tuesday, April 28
It is NOT OK to hop the back of Gaelynn Lea’s scooter chair and yell “Hee-Ya!”

Wednesday, April 29
Don’t be afraid if you hear howling in the distance, it’s just Hung doing his thing.

Thursday, April 30
Don’t be startled when you’re in Superior tonight. $10 did just buy enough to get you that hammered.

Friday, May 1
You might wonder if the Space Carpet matches the drapes. You’re a deep deep person, don’t let anyone tell you any different.

Saturday, May 2
Josh Nickila might be able to forgive you if you throw up on the trolley while he plays, but no one else will.

Sunday, May 3
If you see Paul Whyte walking around like a delirious zombie, find a safe place for him to sit for awhile.

Pisces
February 19-March 20

Monday, April 27
Get a “Matt Mobley Homegrown Set” punch card and win a free mustache ride by attending the most shows.

Tuesday, April 28
If you want to see a full grown man cry, remind Paul Lundgren of his past work at The Reader.

Wednesday, April 29
Crafty Ellen was in Mexico for months so where are her corn rows? The stars say, “below the Equator.”

Thursday, April 30
It’s alright to threaten The Keep Aways into making sure this is NOT their last show.

Friday, May 1
It would seem unlikely for a packaged condom to somehow break in the Wolf Blood mosh pit, but the stars say it’s possible, so watch that later in the night.

Saturday, May 2
Don’t let Preston Gunderson’s happy demeanor fool you. He’s actually quite hateful, and he hates you.

Sunday, May 3
Tyler Scouten will be baptizing people in Lake Superior once the shows are over. We suggest you pay him a visit.

(Please refrain as much as possible from most of the irresponsible, deviant, antisocial and sometimes criminal behaviors and actions depicted in The Homegrown Horoscopes. Be positive, be safe, HAVE FUN! Crafty Ellen contributed to a few of The Horoscopes. Thanks Ellen!)