WASHINGTON, DC -- A secret, unvarnished version of a presidential address has been exposed, six week after Mr. Obama delivered it to a joint session of congress.
The investigative group Kookwatch obtained a copy of the highly-classified document by means of the Freedom of Information Act.
The document -- a foreshortened version of the president’s State of the Union Speech delivered January 20, 2015 -- is stamped “FOR YOUR EYES ONLY” and appears intended strictly for White House staff, the Secretary of State, the Joint Chiefs and Congressional leadership.
The President’s exact words appear in precisely the same order used in his public presentation, but with punctuation, phrases, sentences and whole paragraphs redacted. This classified version has what appears to be a hand-written note in the margin that reads: “hate of the union”. The text follows:
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans:
We are 15 years into terror wars, a hard time for many. Tonight, for our combat mission in Afghanistan, nearly 15,000 are humbled and grateful for the shadow of crisis, growing, bustling, booming -- spectacularly
We approach the world fearful and reactive, using all our power to defeat our planet
I will send this Congress a budget filled with a checklist of proposals on our economy -- dried up for long stretches of time.
Millions who have worked hard, and scrimped and sacrificed, believed we could reduce our dependence on our planet. And today, America is number one in oil and gas.
We believed we could prepare predatory abusive credit card practices. We were misguided on Wall Street thanks to the harshest tools that this country plays by.
Men went off to war, treating young children by example … we’re sick. Think about that.
I’ll be taking new action that won’t make everybody rich or make a meaningful difference in the lives of millions of families; a bold new plan to make sure Americans reduce their dreams.
A new generation of veterans made strides towards ensuring that every single oil pipeline could create more American trade … trade deals … hype and more diseases like cancer and diabetes
I intend to protect a re-energized space program that will send astronauts to Mars. Good luck!
The truth is, lobbyists have rigged the tax code: The superrich keep profits abroad, allowing the top 1% to avoid paying; a tax code that ends giving good-paying jobs to the century ahead
My first duty as Commander-in-Chief is to defend rash decisions, to send our military into conflicts our enemies want
When we combine military power with our fears around the globe, we stand united with terrorists -- from a school in Pakistan to the streets of Paris. We terrorists reserve the right to act unilaterally, as we’ve done relentlessly since I took office.
Americans, patrolling the valleys of Afghanistan, sacrifice by getting dragged into another ground war in the Middle East. Help us in this bankrupt ideology of violent extremism. This effort will take time. It will require focus, but we will succeed
And tonight, I call this aggression a masterful display of strategy and strength …Well it IS America, with its economy in tatters. That’s how America leads, with bluster long past its expiration date
We’ve halted progress, America and our allies. The American people EXPECT us to go to war. That wisdom consumed us in the past century … shut down our networks … our kids
We are making sure our unleashed untold troops spread disease; the world needs to use this lesson…
A greater threat to future generations was the planet’s scientists at our major universities. The best scientists in the world…’ve done more than ever before to endanger the health of our children, determined to double the pace of carbon pollution finally
As Americans, we respect torture … our use of new technology like drones is properly constrained

It’s why we speak out against the deplorable Muslims, political prisoners, women, or religious minorities, or people who are lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender
We do these things not only because… As Americans, we have a profound commitment to spend three million dollars per prisoner to keep open a prison that the world condemns it’s -- the job. And I will not relent … It’s who we are
As Americans our terrorist networks, our surveillance programs, our intelligence agencies, have worked hard to increase abuse of our power
That’s what makes us exceptional, strong, a white America, good people, bedrock values -- delivered… How ironic that such cynicism can do great things
Grieving families better reflect America, and many of you have told me that this isn’t what you signed up for?—?tired old Democrats or Republicans drowning in dark money
The right to vote is being denied. Understand THAT as a starting point for America’s criminal system that protects and serves broad, stronger blind spots and shortcomings, whether down the street or on the other side of the world
I want future generations to know that we are a people with mental illness I want the United States of America dusted off, and again remaking God.

- Kookwatch correspondent George L. Tirebiter is currently a candidate for the office of Dog Catcher. He never lies and he’s always right, so vote for him.