Breaking news!! White House officials announced they have allowed First Lady Michelle Obama to redecorate the White House dining room! OMG! It’s totes exciting news for the White House’s most fab lady babe! You go, girl!

 “This is a bold step,” said Josh Earnest, White House Press Secretary and women’s suffrage badass! “For years, our nation has only allowed the wives of presidents to decorate the regular dining room. But our progressive administration, which cares deeply for women’s rights, is allowing Michelle to decorate the <i>other</i> dining room.”

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 Yes, Girl Power is alive and well in our nation’s capitol! If the redesign goes well, Michelle may also be allowed by her male handlers to speak to others about the dining room! YOLO! If she’s especially good and doesn’t Biden up the place, the news networks may reward her by discussing her taste in art for ten seconds before returning to commenting on the size and shape of her arms!

 She’s so buff, you guys! And she can decorate an entire room all by herself! What a special lady! I’ll bet her husband will give her a larger weekly allowance after this! 

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 But what’s this!? The White House also reports that they care so much about all of America’s pretty ladies (the prettiest!) that they plan to release a list ranking all the first ladies throughout history on their decorating skills! Who’s the best at rearranging things in the house because they’re bored while the kids are at school?! Is it Jackie O?! I’ll bet it’s Jackie O!!

Who’s the best vacuumer?! Jackie O again! Who’s the most thorough vacuumer?! Who’s the fastest with that Dyson First Lady Edition official vacuum, the one with the no trip cord so Secret Service agents won’t fall when they come to ask the First Lady where things are in the kitchen! There’s a Lou Hoover joke somewhere in here! Vacuums! Who’s the best at baking a ham?! I’ll bet Eleanor Roosevelt knew how! That wild skank knew how to please her man to the max (short for maximum, which is the most!)! 

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 In next week’s issue, find out which First Lady answers the phone most pleasantly! Was it Martha Jefferson Randolph?! She gave pretty good phone! How about Julia Boggs Grant?! Also, find out which of them looks best in an apron! Spoiler alert - it’s Hannah Van Buren, that saucy bitch!! We don’t even know who we’re choosing or why! We’re all drunk and waiting for Kanye to give Kim another shiner! Page hits! Boom!

 We all know first ladies don’t poop, but which one is the least poopiest?! Michelle Obama can keep in the beef! Lucretia Garfield could hold the line without even crossing her legs! Proper ladies don’t poop! That’s why Ann Romney never wins! She poops all over the place! But Ann was the best at doing laundry! Still a catch!

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 Time for a meaningless reader poll! In terms of first ladies, is Michelle Obama the best at staying quiet when her husband is speaking?! It doesn’t matter if you’re misogynistic or not! Just vote repeatedly so we’ll get more page clicks! Be sure to visit our sexy Lady Bird Johnson lady gallery! There are 57 photos and each one requires you to load a new webpage! #FirstLadies #GirlPower #RespectForALLWomen #LindsayLohanVaginaProblems #ClickForRhiannaBeatingPics

 Guess who’s the reigning queen of personalizing Christmas cards! None of them, because assistants handle that. It’s a tedious job, so it’s passed down to less important staffers. They just don’t have time. Sorry. We were hoping for juicier details as well. 

 But which first lady is the best at washing the president’s dishes!?! None of them. None of them have ever done that. Why on earth would you think the First Lady of the United States of America would wash dishes? Why should she be expected to decorate the White House? Have some respect for women, you jackass. Someone in such a prestigious position, one step away from the president, has far more important things to do than fulfill your misogynistic 1950s fantasies. We have evolved since then to give women respect and value them as human beings instead of only thinking of them when it’s time to redecorate the house. Grow up.

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 Coming up tomorrow, don’t miss our historical analysis of which first lady had the biggest booooobies! We’re rooting for you, Mamie Eisenhower! Let those ladies out to breathe, girlfriend! First ladies are bringing bosom boom to the room with their over the shoulder presidential interest holders! Unbutton your pants and check back here first for all the latest dish!