Dear Santa,

It’s December 1, and you know what that means! Yep. It’s time to get off your fat, lazy ass and start making me presents. I’ve been extra good this year, so you’re my bitch for the next month, Santa. Every time I snap my fingers, you should be done making me another present.

No, shut your mouth. Shut it! No talking! Talking slows down the production line. Sorry. I know you didn’t say anything, but I sensed you were about to dispute me, so I’m asking you nicely to please shut your mouth and continue making me awesome things for free.

Specifically name-brand things. Your elves make everything themselves, so I’m not sure why you’d purposely have them make me a lower-quality generic product. It takes just as much effort to create a 50” LG television as a 50” Daewoo, so let’s not do things just to be a dick, okay?

I’m sorry this letter started with such harshness. It’s been a rough year, what with my mother dying and all. Sometimes my emotions get the better of me. Wait, you probably know she’s alive. You can see everywhere like Jesus, right? Damn it! Fine, well I should still be on your good list. I haven’t murdered a child or anything. I haven’t robbed a liquor store or peed in (or on) a church. Christ.

What is your affiliation with Jesus, anyway? I assume you know him? You’re either doing a really nice thing or you’re hijacking some guy’s birthday like a jerk. I’m not passing judgment. I’m assuming the best, not the worst. I’m just saying, if you’re gonna give the finger to some guy, it probably shouldn’t be Jesus. Better safe than sorry and all that.

Anyway, I want some stuff, and you’re the guy who runs the free stuff service, so here’s a list. First, I would like a pony. Yes, a real pony. Don’t worry, it’s for eating purposes. Second, I would like whatever the hottest, most completely sold-out toy is this season, so I can record myself setting it on fire and post the video to YouTube. The comments are going to be amazing. Third, I’d like my coffee refilled. Right now. Thanks, big guy.

I’d also like a Taser, so I can teach those dickballs on the bus some lessons about life. Oh, you like using your cellphone as a boombox? Well, I’ve got another gadget you might find… rather electrifying. Oh, you’re collecting signatures to repeal Obamacare? You might find my opinion on that matter to be… quite shocking.

I would also really like to be a Batman villain. I feel like I have the necessary witty repartee (see previous paragraph), so if you have any connections in that field of work, let me know.

Do you deliver liquids? The postal service doesn’t, but I wasn’t sure if you were owned by the same company. If it’s at all possible, I wouldn’t mind getting a pile of booze under my tree. Drugs, too! No prescription ones, though. I’d prefer not to ruin my life. If you could just separate all of it into piles of uppers and downers, and maybe throw some giant bottles of Sriracha into the mix, that would be appreciated. Or you could skip all the fuss and just get me a PlayStation 4 or something. Both would keep me entertained for an equal amount of time.

Note: I don’t actually like Sriracha. I’m Minnesotan. I just wanted to sound tough.

Second note: I decorated my Christmas tree with kaiju monsters and Japanese capsule toys. I hope that’s not seen as some sort of an insult. It’s just that a lot of the decorations for your holiday are a bit on the bullshitty side. Magic reindeer, snowmen who wear fashionable scarves even though the warmth slowly kills them, fat guys in red pajamas. It seems like a weird fetish. Christmas decorations always look homemade and fragile, like some 100-year-old woman spent a month whittling it in the dark with her tiny, aching fingers. Everything smells like lavender-scented hand soap and those plastic wreaths with fake berries that have always creeped me out. It’s an entire month when every place you go feels like Bed, Bath & Beyond. It sucks, man. I’m not saying you suck, just that all the things that celebrate you suck. Big time.

Third note: I’m partial to sarcastic girls. Y’know, in case one of the presents you were bringing me was a person. Wow, that sounds like slavery. I didn’t mean it that way. I’m just saying, Tinder is my best option right now, and it’s just awful. So if you wanted to bring me a… Wow, there’s no way to make this sound okay. Does it help if I request an Asian girl? No, that’s worse? Okay, never mind then.

Whatever you decide to bring me, please make sure everything adds up to at least $500. If I’m going to believe in a religious or supernatural being, I’d like to make it worth my while. Anyway, have a happy holiday and a Jewish new year, and please keep in mind that I’m better than most people.

Happy Christ or whatever,
Paul Ryan

P.S.  Also, Kwanzaa.

P.S.S. Are my presents done yet? Hurry the hell up.