Let’s play a fun game. I’m going to provide a quote, and you’re going to guess whether it was said by one of my hippie co-workers or a random homeless person I met on the bus. This game wouldn’t normally be very challenging, but I live in California, so my co-workers are all eco-friendly, beard-growing, hipster-enabling, ballerina-tea-drinking, fad-diet-abusing, self-detoxing, compost-loving, yoga-mat-buying ironic armchair Communists. So pretty much the same as Duluth.

I like the Communist part. It makes it easier for me to take an entire pizza home after holiday parties. No one’s ever watching! Only Castro! But let’s begin the game.


“I swiped some coffee grounds from Trader Joe’s for breakfast. I’m so excited! I never have breakfast!”
Answer: Co-worker. Homeless people may be hungry and crazy, but there are few beings in this universe hungrier or crazier than a 20-something California girl on a diet.

“I told him, don’t talk to me like that. I don’t wanna start a thing, but I’ll start a thing right in his stupid face.”
Answer: Hobo. My co-workers aren’t that polite.

“Sorry if I smell like feet. I’ve been downing vinegar shots all morning.”
Answer: Co-worker. The last time I heard someone recommend drinking vinegar for health reasons, it was a weird Russian guy I worked with who also recommended curing the flu by locking yourself in a closet overnight with a bottle of vodka. I asked the pharmacist at Walgreens about that method, and he just sighed and continued stapling paperwork to prescription bags.

“Gum isn’t food, but it helps a bit.”
Answer: Hobo, but once my co-workers read this, gum may start trending in the office.

“I drink two liters of water a day. If I don’t, my kidneys get mad at me.”
Answer: Trick question! I have heard both hobos and my co-workers say this, though I suspect my co-workers are just trying to sound cute while the hobos actually have deep conversations with their kidneys.

“Are you done with that? Can I have just a little bit? Just a piece. Should I come back in a few minutes? How many minutes exactly? I’m sorry, I’m just really hungry.”
Answer: Hobo, but my co-workers act like this, too.

“Oh my God, I haven’t eaten in forever. No, keep that away from me! If I see it, I’ll eat it, and I can’t eat anything until tomorrow afternoon.”
Answer: Co-worker. Hobos would never act this stupid.

“If everyone took a shit on their plants, we wouldn’t need to use fertilizer that gets into the water system and controls our brains.”
Answer: Hobo. Mind control is a standard hobo conversation topic, due to most of them doing way too much LSD in the past. Much to my dismay, my co-workers rarely discuss mind control, unless it’s a variety that clears an aura or helps them eat kale without making a weird face. I can’t really blame them for the kale obsession. It’s a really fun word to say.

“I need to detox. I’m going crazy. I feel sluggish and miserable all the time. I need a fresh start in my life. I feel like I’m going to cry.”
Answer: Co-worker. Those PCBs are killer, bro. Time to flush out those toxins, brah.

“I’d suck a dick for those shoes.”
Answer: Co-worker. Hobos just grab shoes out of the trash. Men and women working in the fashion industry are a little more ambitious.

“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I hate to bother you during this bus ride, but my name is Frank and I don’t have enough money for food today.”
Answer: Undetermined. More information is needed. Are they holding a guitar while saying it? If so, then it’s one of my co-workers moonlighting for some extra money. Otherwise, hobo.

“They control everything! We’re just the little people. We don’t matter to them. You think they care about you or even know you’re alive? Ha! They control all media—everything you see and buy is controlled by them. They own everything and they own all of us until someone knocks them off their pedestal!”
Answer: Co-worker, talking about Marvel Comics.

“I wanna crawl inside his beard and feel it all over my body.”
Answer: Co-worker. Definitely one of my female co-workers. Beards are like catnip to them. Also, there’s no way a hobo would say something that disgusting.

“I’m focusing on the future, not my every immediate selfish desire of the current moment.”
Answer: Trick question! Neither a hobo nor my co-workers would ever say anything of the sort. Both groups, myself included, consider unspent money to be wasteful. Why is that $70 sitting in your savings account not doing anything when you could turn it into a really cute yoga mat or a bag of smack? It’s nice to see the workplace and hobo communities finally finding some common ground.