Mother’s Day is this weekend. You should get her something nice, like a crisp $50 bill. Think of what she could do with that kind of money. She could get one of the windshield wipers on her car fixed at the dealership. She could buy three grams of chocolope or purple diesel from the long-haired gentleman down the street. She could put the whole bill down the pants of some nice young man down at the docks.
Maybe I’ll get something nice for your mom. Have you seen The Graduate?
All mom jokes aside, you should definitely get something for your mom this weekend. It’s Mother’s Day, after all, and your head is huge. She had to work to get you out. That was probably eight months of pilates afterward. The woman earned it. Reward her for the troubles you caused.
Mother’s Day was first coined in 1984, when Gretta Carlson of Albuquerque, New Mexico beat her son unconscious with a cantaloupe. He had refused to take out the garbage. In court, Judge Roofus T. Marmalade found the mother not guilty, and sentenced the son to send her a nice card every year on that same date for the rest of her life.
The son murdered her a year later, rolling her severed head down the ramp of a Skeeball machine at a Chuck E. Cheese.
When details of the devastating and gruesome murder hit the mainstream media, the nation became very excited about this idea of sending cards to mothers. Thus, a new tradition was born. Hallmark raised their prices by 30 percent, and began inventing new holidays like Administrative Assistant Day, Second Cousin on Your Wife’s Side of the Family Day, and Stripper You Thought Broke Up With You But in Reality Was Never Actually Dating You Day.
If you had listened to your mother while growing up, you wouldn’t have had that last issue. You could have saved the $8.75 you spent on the card.
Appropriate gifts to give your mom this weekend include flowers, candy, a bottle of 120 proof whiskey, two bottles of 120 proof whiskey (if she had a C-section), a dog so tiny it can fit in her mouth, or a signed 6x9” photo of Tom Selleck.
Inappropriate gifts to give your mom include a bong, music albums produced after 1963, another baby, flavored condoms, a coupon for free sex with your dad, a new dishwasher, a painting of her drawn by a nearsighted hobo, a framed picture of Fran Tarkenton, or a signed 6x9” photo of Tom Selleck that was obviously forged by you at the last minute because all the stores were closed.
A handmade card might be a good idea. You could write a little haiku inside it. A mom haiku! I fancy myself a bit of a writer, so I’ll provide a few professional options for those of you who aren’t as skilled as me. It has to be something that comes from the heart and really expresses how you feel. For instance, teenagers may want to use this little gem:

Don’t touch my shit, mom.
It’s not a bong, it’s a lamp.
I’m going to Gabe’s.

I ran out of syllables to tell a full story there, but you get the jist of it. A good haiku leaves some details open for the reader’s imagination, like who is Gabe? Is he a close personal friend? A BEST FRIEND maybe? Or is it the name of a quiet old diner that serves bold, deeply flavorful coffee with just enough attitude to give you a rise? That’s up to your mom to decide, my friend.
If you’re in your 20s and out on your own in life, this little mom haiku may just work for you:

Yes, she’s my lover.
Don’t say “tranny”, mom.
It’s rude.
She’ll be post-op soon.

Your mom will love this. It’s like a Beverly Cleary novel updated for our times. You’re probably amazed by the accuracy. Much like a fortune teller, I’m just using vague scenarios that apply to almost anyone in their 20s. The fact that this haiku seems to describe your exact life is merely a well planned coincidence.
If you’re age 30 or above, your mom’s probably half dead and can’t read too well anymore. You’ll have to recite this little piece of mom poetry to her from memory:

Grandchildren? Screw that.
I’m balls deep in high school girls.

Maybe next year, mom.
No matter how you choose to show it, the most important thing is that you make Mother’s Day as enjoyable as possible for your mom this weekend. Cancel all your other plans for Sunday, June 15, and show a little love for your mom. She deserves it.