Hey there! It is once again that time of year where the weather starts to suck less and every music fan in the area knows what is coming up. That’s right! Homegrown! Some guy who goes by the handle “Starfire” thought he was mighty important and decided to have a kegger where a bunch of drunk musicians showed up and crashed the party and started playing music. After that, someone actually remembered that it was kind of fun and then someone decided to make it not as fun by making it the largest music festival of the Twin Ports. Don’t get us wrong, it is still fun…maybe too much fun. Homegrown gets bigger every year and good luck trying to see the bands you even know about, let alone the ones you haven’t heard of.
The gurus of the cosmos, Paul Whyte and Lane Prekker have once again teamed up to channel themselves deep into the universe and listen to the stars and what they have to say about this year’s Homegrown. They reluctantly wrote down these deep truths and felt obligated to share them with you. For those who don’t know, Paul Whyte is a staff writer for the Reader and also writes children’s books about death, hardcore drug use and the anguish that is living every day. Lane Prekker is the fifth best washboard player in the area (he was the fourth best until a 14 year old girl in Proctor started playing the washboard a month and a half ago). These profound men have combined their deep talents and knowledge of planetary alignment to once again share the secrets of the stars.   

Capricorn
(December 22-January 19)

Sunday, April 27
If it’s 8 p.m. and you’re already drunk, this Homegrown is going to be rough for you.

Monday, April 28
Freestyle rapping outside of the poetry showcase at The Underground won’t impress anyone. It’s best to save that until later in the week.

Tuesday, April 29
Why are you at Roscoe’s Pioneer Bar? There’s no show there. The owner is probably going to start flipping out in 10, 9, 8, 7….

Wednesday, April 30
If you run into the girl from the “Fade Away” laser tattoo removal ad, lock that down!

Thursday, May 1
Terry “Redeye Dreads” Gums will still try to convince you he’s from Jamaica. He’s from Hibbing but with a good salon connection.

Friday, May 2
Don’t be confused by the vision of Bob Monahan’s ego slam dancing at Sir Ben’s during Timmy Jacks Off. That’s actually Bob, he was confused by the invite.

Saturday, May 3
No, it’s not a Limp Bizkit cover band, it’s just Number One Common.

Sunday, May 4
It’s the last day. While at Canal Park Brewing, go on endlessly about why this show isn’t being held at a strip club.

Aquarius
(January 20-February 18)

Sunday, April 27
If you see Adam Guggemos calling the cops already, it’s alright to give him a little sack tap.

Monday, April 28
If you were featured on the Playlist, consider this your last Homegrown.

Tuesday, April 29
Quit trying to mosh with Gaelynn Lea.

Wednesday, April 30
If you see Stel, tell him you love Lefty. Or you’re a douche.

Thursday, May 1
Well, you’re at The Main, now is probably the best time to either show your tits or take off your pants. Let it go.

Friday, May 2
Ask Danecdote to break out some Slayer. If you can’t make that show, then A Winter Downpour will play some John Denver on request. Either way, also request to see some skin.

Saturday, May 3
If you’re a 40 year old woman, maybe leave Jack Campbell from the Skeleton Keys alone. Yes, we know he’s cute, but you’re being creepy. The same goes if you’re a 40 year old guy.

Sunday, May 4
Yup, you’ve made it. Do you feel proud of yourself? You really shouldn’t. Call your mom, actually no. You’re probably still slurring your words.

Pisces
(February 19-March 20)

Sunday, April 27
As the artistic representation of this year’s Homegrown, David Moriera appreciates firm open handed slaps on the ass.

Monday, April 28
Don’t be offended by Sean Elmquist when he blows you off. Take it as a compliment, he normally only has time to blow himself off.

Tuesday, April 29
It will be tempting to blame your friends who live out on Park Point and don’t have a vehicle so they asked you to pick them up and now you’re bridged and will only get to see the last song of Toby Thomas Churchill’s set. If you do, you’re going to look like a whiny self-centered bitch. Go ahead and blame them anyway.

Wednesday, April 30
Don’t let that guy take a nip off your flask. You’re going to get a cold before this week is over if you do.

Thursday, May 1
Alright, it’s looking like you’re going to be out of line late tonight. Dip out earlier than expected and hopefully everyone will either be caught up in the moment or too blacked out to remember it. What the hell is wrong with you?

Friday, May 2
Sloths are cute, but not when Fred Tyson is hiding a banana in his pants. Beware of false advertisement.

Saturday, May 3
Better make sure you poop before kickball. That one piece of pizza combined with tap beer and whisky yesterday is going to catch up to you.

Sunday, May 4
When you stumble out of bed today, just know that there are people ten years older than you who are feeling a lot worse.

Aries
(March 21-April 19)

Sunday, April 27
Just because you’re at the Sordes show doesn’t mean that the dude you barely know wants to play swords in the Luce’ bathroom.

Monday, April 28
Ladies, when you get the Chad Lyons lust, just think of him making out with the sloth that had Freddy’s banana in his mouth.

Tuesday, April 29
Dizzo loves surprise titty twisters. Have at it. He’ll appreciate it.

Wednesday, April 30
Don’t upload every single picture directly to Facebook off your phone tonight. No one will want to see that and everyone who witnesses it will be trying to remove that image from their heads for years.

Thursday, May 1
No one will be impressed when you yell “Free Bird” between every song at the Hard Feelings set. You can, but just saying.

Friday, May 2
Whatever Paul Whyte posted on Facebook from the night before, just ignore it.

Saturday, May 3
Indulge is going to be on fire tonight. Make sure you know where the fire extinguisher is ahead of time.

Sunday, May 4
If you wake up to a sloth gazing into your eyes, you did Homegrown right.
 
Taurus
(April 20-May 20)

Sunday, April 27
Don’t be discouraged. It’s just the Mayor’s proclamation, there will be music later. Like for a whole week.

Monday, April 28
Whatever Chad Lyons tells you tonight is in all sincerity and you should take it personally. Very personally.

Tuesday, April 29
Insist repeatedly to Anton that you’d be the perfect twelfth member of Red Mountain.

Wednesday, April 30
Sorry if you’re a chick and get your period today. Yeah, that’s going to kind of suck. Five words…extra extra absorbent maxi pads. Don’t get toxemia from the tampons, you’ll forget they’re in.

Thursday, May 1
Although she may seem rather unapproachable and unavailable, persistence will pay off if you run into Hattie Peterson.

Friday, May 2
If Pizza Luce’s bar is closed for another staff meeting today it’s perfectly acceptable to sit outside the door sobbing.

Saturday, May 3
Iron Range Outlaw Brigade is your favorite boy band tonight.

Sunday, May 4
David Moriera will admit he felt Walt Dizzo and he was cold and clammy.

Gemini
(May 21-June 20)

Sunday, April 27
Ask Breanne Marie if she’d like a shot. Don’t take no for an answer.

Monday, April 28
You might want to hold back on heckling the bass player of Fearless Moral Inventory, you’re right, heckle the frontman relentlessly instead.

Tuesday, April 29
If you steal Jason Wussow’s glasses, you’re a jerk. Stealing Jimi Cooper’s glasses, pretty funny.

Wednesday, April 30
Did your band not get into Homegrown? It was probably Mary Bue’s fault. Make a big deal about it.

Thursday, May 1
Photobomb every one of Laramie Carlson’s shots tonight.

Friday, May 2
Look deep into the eyes of Rick Boo. Get lost in them, but just for a moment or you’re going to look like some weird perv or something.

Saturday, May 3
Don’t be sucked in by the nice guy “Bro” image of Preston Gunderson. His next album will be nothing but black metal.

Sunday, May 4
If all you remember from Homegrown is Lane Prekker’s pale ass, we’re really sorry.
Cancer
(June 21-July 22)

Sunday, April 27
If you’re washing your hands at Pizza Luce’ and Mindy Johnson is in there, ask her for some advice. What she says is probably the way to go.

Monday, April 28
Rather than vomiting all over Wes Hadrich, just turn yourself around 90 degrees. There, let it out.

Tuesday, April 29
Stroking Glenn Maloney’s beard will bring you much luck tonight...Stroke it.

Wednesday, April 30
Would you pass up a five point Donkey Show in Tijuana?! You’re feeling of being forsaken by Trampled is justified. But they are making $50.

Thursday, May 1
Take a nap after work or you’re not going to make it.

Friday, May 2
Bring your ID when you go to see Horse & Rider. Chances are Heiko will not remember you from last Homegrown.

Saturday, May 3
Maybe skip Fever Dream tonight to not relive traumatizing flashbacks from your youth.

Sunday, May 4
We know what you’re thinking. Should’ve had your photo taken with Todd Eckart. Oh well, he’ll probably play again at next year’s Homegrown. Just be patient.

Leo
(July 23-August 22)

Sunday, April 27
When choosing what to wear, just remember that you and no one else is going to care by the time this all over.

Monday, April 28
It’s time for those sexual urges of slashing balls to surface. No one is going to say a thing. Seek therapy once this week is over.

Tuesday, April 29
Don’t be a pessimist today, bring a rubber.

Wednesday, April 30
Tony Bennett is going to be angry at you. Just let him do what he does best besides playing the rock music.

Thursday, May 1
Manheat’s “post-slop” refers to cleaning up Brennan’s bed, just ask Jay. See through the lies.

Friday, May 2
Your encounter with a person on the trolly will be life altering.

Saturday, May 3
If you’re at R.T. Quinlan’s during Bratwurst, at around 12:30, duck.

Sunday, May 4
Walt Dizzo will admit that he stole a jacket from the Red Star because he felt “cold and clammy.”

Virgo
(August 23-September 22)

Sunday, April 27
Chad Erlemeier will say something you should remember for the rest of the week.

Monday, April 28
It’s a good time to ask Steve Johnson when Sight Like December is getting back together again.

Tuesday, April 29
There’s absolutely no way in hell you’re getting laid tonight. Well, if you’re a really hot chick there might be exceptions, but maybe wait until tomorrow if that’s the case, that dude is a total d-bag. No, no, no…he’s a total asshole. Knock it off.

Wednesday, April 30
Try to remember American Rebels and Wino, WI are two different bands tonight.

Thursday, May 1
If you vomit on Tower Ave. and no one sees you, just rinse your mouth out and go back in the bar like nothing happened. When you walk out again and someone is with you, act just as disgusted as they are about the pool of vomit on the sidewalk.

Friday, May 2
At some point in the night, the sloth will appear. Be wary and avoid bananas.

Saturday, May 3
Don’t let “Bliss” David Kittelson lead you into his positive vortex of hope. There is none.

Sunday, May 4
Don’t feel too bad if you got impregnated after kickball. It happens…there’s a lot of balls flying around.

Libra
(September 23-October 22)

Sunday, April 27
Spring is here and it will be good to be outgoing. A person you meet today will decline your Facebook friend request.

Monday, April 28
Seriously just live with that zit. Don’t try popping it in the middle of the Lion or Gazelle show. It’s either not going to pop and look even worse or your going to have a pussplosion all over the mirror and the gaping hole will be all weepy and bloody for the rest of the night.

Tuesday, April 29
If you forgot your guitar cable and Jake Larson is your sound guy, you’re in luck! Jake Larson has LOTS of guitar cables.

Wednesday, April 30
Are you going to feed your cat today? Yeah, before heading out to the shows, it might be cool to feed the furry poop machine.

Thursday, May 1
The bathroom will be occupied for awhile. Find a good place in the alley to take a leak.

Friday, May 2
Ben Marsen is the president of the Owl’s Club, but not the dictator of your pants as he may tell you. Keep that thong on!

Saturday, May 3
Give Amy Abts a compliment after her show. She’ll appreciate it.

Sunday, May 4
If you’re falling down drunk for Group Too, you just won Homegrown. *Slow claps*

Scorpio
(October 23-November 21)

Sunday, April 27
If you see Duluth News Tribune’s, Christa Lawler, on the beat and she asks for a quote, make sure to end each sentence with, “don’t cha know, eh?”

Monday, April 28
You’re going to pop a string within the first three songs on your set. Good job on not changing your strings for seven months.

Tuesday, April 29
DJ Nola will discover her secret love of the “Duluth Accordionaires.” Don’t mess with that.

Wednesday, April 30
There he is, Mayor Don Ness. No matter how loud or crowded it is, now is probably the perfect time to have a discussion about when your street will be fixed. Don’t let him give you the run around.

Thursday, May 1
You might be tempted to donate blood for money to last the rest of the week. They won’t be impressed that your blood is mostly alcohol.

Friday, May 2
If you’re at The Branditos, tell Brandon to knock it off with the bad attitude.

Saturday, May 3
Mikey Talented will try to make you think it’s their first show ever, don’t compliment.

Sunday, May 4
Hannah McDaniel will for think for the first time, “WTF?” Homegrown officially welcomes you! Sorry about the mess.

Sagittarius
(November 22- December 21)

Sunday, April 27
There’s no need to offer that homeless looking guy change. It’s just Richard Narum. Your heart is in the right place.

Monday, April 28
Try switching things up by yelling, “you’re a great guy, Gomez!”

Tuesday, April 29
Try to refrain from mentioning to Sparhawk that he needs Charlie Parr around for street cred.

Wednesday, April 30
Why the hell did you wake up this early? Are you still drunk? No! Go back to bed right now! Alright, never mind. You’re going to seriously regret this later.

Thursday, May 1
Turns out drinking a case of beer probably wasn’t a great idea before playing tonight.

Friday, May 2
When you fall head over heels for Sarah Krueger, just think about her making out with the sloth who had Freddy’s banana in its mouth.

Saturday, May 3
Try not to get too wrapped up in The Electric Witch’s sound, I think we were all pretty proficient on a Speak and Spell at five-years-old.

Sunday, May 4
Today is a good day to recollect and come up with stories to tell everyone at work on Monday, because you have no idea what happened.