I can’t take this shit anymore,” said Duluth Mayor Donny Ness as he got out of his limousine at Duluth International Airport. “It’s been winter for like four years straight. I can’t live in this shithole anymore. Fuck this! I’m moving to Florida.”
The mayor and his entire family are moving to a warmer climate after a particularly devastating winter that has shown no signs of ending. An additional 40 to 50 feet of snow are expected in the first week of April, with a new Ice Age predicted to form by June.
“Fuck Duluth, fuck the Twin Ports, and that goddamn lake can eat my shit and die!” shouted Ness as he boarded his million dollar private plane, wearing only a Hawaiian shirt, a lei and a pair of Fruit of the Loom underwear torn in multiple places. “When I get to Florida, my dick is going to be as hard as a rock!”
Employees at City Hall have been distraught since Mayor Ness’ resignation, fighting like wild hyenas over which of them will get his Tempur-Pedic TP9000 Ergonomic Mesh Mid-Back Task Chair. The coveted item retails for nearly $32.
Fourth District Councilman Howie Hanson called “dibs” on the chair first, but Council President Linda Krug claimed the chair is “her legacy”. Second District Councilman Joel Sipress pulled a brilliant wildcard move, producing a live grenade from his pocket and pulling the pin, threatening to let go of the safety lever if the chair wasn’t immediately delivered to his office. Krug instantly called his bluff, goading him to “release the goddamn lever already” and calling him a “four-eyed sissy”. Sipress responded by spitting gum in Krug’s hair. Ness was unavailable for comment on the chair issue. When contacted on the plane’s private phone line, Ness’ children reported that “Daddy is taking a booze snooze.”
Seasonal depression has affected nearly everyone in the Twin Ports. Local weather forecasters have been unwilling to go on the air due to numerous death threats and ancient gypsy curses placed on them in the past week. KBJR meteorologist Adam Clark, whose wife was turned into a Fig Newton by one of the many curses, said he refuses to go back on the air until the forecast is more favorable.
“Adam Clark ain’t gonna put a rope around his neck, no sir,” said Clark. “The forecast says we all gonna die, but Adam Clark ain’t gonna broadcast that news. Adam Clark’s had diarrhea all damn day because of them curses. People in this town be crazy! Leave Adam Clark’s butthole alone!”
Other respected meteorologists have reported similar cases of the trots, helping to form a scientific hypothesis - or proposed explanation of a phenomenon which still has yet to be vigorously tested - that the curses are indeed real. Only extensive research of Clark and his peer’s leavings will allow researchers to successfully turn their hypothesis into a scientific theory, which is like a hypothesis but much sexier.
This spirited reaction is very unusual for Twin Ports residents. Predictions of bad weather are usually met with indifference. Not caring about the cold is a source of pride for most locals. When multiple feet of snow fell earlier this year, everyone in the area just continued growing their beards, drinking their 9.1 percent Belgian ales and riding their bicycles to work through two feet of snow.
“What the hell is a goddamn booze snooze?” asked Ness, now awake and moderately sober. “I didn’t throw up or crap myself, so why are you people bothering me? I’m drinking correctly. Leave me alone.”
The endless winters of Duluth often push public officials over the edge around this time of the year. Ness is the fourth straight mayor to abandon his position mid-term. John Fedo left for Venice, California in January 1992. Gary Doty fled to Cabo, Mexico in March of 2004. In December 2007, Herb Bergstrom drove drunk all the way to Antarctica, declaring “Anywhere is warmer than this ice toilet.”
Ness has been particularly vocal about his departure, discarding his usual Minnesota Nice attitude for a more colorful personality.
“First of all, fuck you. Second of all, shut up,” said Ness from his new James Bond villain lair in Fort Lauderdale. “Thirdly, I’ve only been in Florida for 30 fucking minutes and I’ve already changed my shirt three times and been forced to watch one of my kids get eaten by an alligator. This place is BULLSHIT. I’ve never seen so many goddamn fucking bugs in all my life. I checked Google Street View before leaving, and it didn’t show any of this shit! Fuck it, I’m moving back to Duluth. The state of Florida is for fucking dildos.
“And make sure nobody fucks with my chair,” added Ness. “If that fucking chair smells like Sipress when I get back, I’m going to shove that bullshit fake grenade of his right up his butt. Bring it to another meeting, Joel. Go ahead and bring your fucking faux grenade. The sidewalks near your house aren’t bad enough to warrant the fucking repair work yet, Joel! Jesus fucking Christ.”