The geniuses at Thirsty Pagan have revealed their latest creation: a beer that contains 100 percent alcohol by volume. Titled “Abortion Ale,” the brew is technically just pure grain alcohol.
“Over the years, we’ve found that the highest percentage beers are always the best sellers,” said Thurston Dong, head brewer. “People want to get more [drunk] for their money. So we were like, why not just skip the brewing process altogether and give them what they really want?”
Illegal in all 50 states, Abortion Ale is only “gifted” to customers in exchange for objects of value. Objects like money. The ale is also only provided in two-ounce servings, unless you’re getting it to go, in which case you can fill an entire growler with it. Most customers just buy a growler and drink it in the pub.


New Duluth News-Tribune website looks like total crap

Desperate to join the ranks of new age minimalism, the editors of the Duluth News-Tribune revealed their new website design last month. It features the exact same design as their previous website, but now with an unsettling amount of white space.
“Are they done with this?” said Todd Newman, a longtime reader. “It looks like someone started building a news website, but got bored and never finished it. Are you sure they’re done? Really. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe you.”
The new site was built by volunteers from the Cloquet School for the Blind, with additional retouching added by DNT interns who later turned out to be colorblind, nearsighted, and addicted to mescaline.
“Gah, my fragile eyes!” shouted Marge Swanson, a subscriber for 20 years. “The endless sea of white is so bright! The dog just peed in the house thinking we were outside! Good thing my computer monitor burned out before my retinas did.”
Many major news organizations have gone a similar design route, but most opted to use a bolder masthead to offset the minimalist white body. Most have also made their sites more interactive. The DNT has removed comments entirely, and sharing is limited to Facebook and Twitter, two platforms no one under the age of 60 has used since 2009. Reddit, Tumblr, Instapaper, Pocket, and Readability are nowhere to be found.
“The website is fine,” said Absolutely NoOne, the current editor of the News Tribune. “Our community is 97 percent Caucasians and we only get sunlight three days out of the entire year. I’m sure people here are used to being blinded by white.”
Oh man. I’m so high right now Holy crap, ha ha! I was like “Duluth Reader April Fool’s issue, I’ll bet I could write that while high.” Ha ha, nope. Feeling a little dizzy. Having a little itty bitty teeny weeny tiny little tiny little tiny bit of trouble keeping a straight train of thought. I kinda wanna go to sleep, man. I’ll totally write everything tomorrow. I bet I’ll come up with so many ideas while I’m high, I’ll be like inventing some special medical device like an insulin pump for weed, that keeps you the perfect amount of high all the time. Like Buddha or a high school art teacher or something. I CAN FEEL THE WEED IN MY FACE! Sorry, what were we talking about? Oh man, Netflix has 430 episodes of Star Trek. My brain can’t even understand how long that would take to watch. How many hours is it? A billion! A billion million?! It’s so many hours, you guys. I’m freakin’ out, man. What if it’s impossible to watch all of them before I die? I’m so nervous about this. Should I call 911 and tell them I’m too high? Just relax, man. Chill out! Look, a box of Cheez-Its! Okay, everything’s all right now. I’m cool. Wait, why’s the dog looking at me weird? Oh my god. I’m freakin’ out!