With franchises like Applebee’s, McDonald’s and even Texas Roadhouse stampeding towards the locavore bandwagon, the owners of Duluth Grill,  Tom and Jaima Hanson, have decided to jump off.
 “Local is lame,” Tom Hanson is quoted as saying “Everyone is doing it. Local is so, so 2013.” as he and his wife, Jaima dismantled the signature raised garden beds in their restaurant parking lot.
 “The more we discussed it, the more we realized that sourcing from large subsidized agribusinesses makes much more economic sense,” Jaima Hanson said. “We’re focusing on protein, protein and more protein. Eggs and protein powder drinks will be the mainstay of our new menu. Fruits and vegetables are overrated.”
 “Yeah, we wish Jason and Lucie Amundson of the Locally Laid Egg Company “Good Cluck,” but we’ve decided to re-purpose our egg allocation process in favor of Third World Poultry of Brazil. After all, we’ve all seen pictures of those poor, poor starving Brazilites…who could resist opening their heart and their checkbook to them?  OK, their eggs are cheap too, oops, my bad, reasonably priced.”  Tom Hanson elaborated. USA Today recently reported that Third World Poultry produces a billion, billion dozen eggs per year,  driving the market price of eggs down to three cents per dozen. Very few neighborhood farms can compete with that price.
 “Not to give away too many secrets,” said Jaima Hanson, “but we’re taking a lesson or two from Micky D’s playbook. It turns out that if you inject a genetically modified hen with steroids and perform a cesarean section, it can produce a single egg the size of a football. The omelet is phenomenal and contains thirty grams of protein!”
Louis Hanson, who is also integral to the family business, is in the early stages of developing new recipes for these uber-eggs. At a recently catered event, just two of these Brazilite eggs made enough egg salad to feed the entire Duluth Ladies Bridge Club.
 “Let’s face it,” chuckled Tom Hanson, “Locally Laid isn’t all that it’s cracked-up to be. Super Bowl or not, they’re not cranking out football-sized eggs now, are they???”
 “We’ve realized that we can source our protein powders from genetically modified soy, rice and hemp crops and blend them with rBGH laden casein and whey proteins. This is the food of the future, today.  We’ve been talking with various distributors, but to be honest, Archer Daniels Midland, which is, after all, a Minnesota company, has been courting us for quite some time; they’re practically bringing us chocolate and flowers. Actually, they ARE bringing us chocolate and flowers. I like the Junior Mints.”
 Duluth Grill’s current menu boasts smoothies named The Green Goddess of Goodness, The Healthy Elvis, and Orange You Glad .. Jaima Hanson indicated that by July 2014, most solid foods will be eliminated and they’ll roll out their new liquid menu items.  The Northland Inquirer has acquired exclusive information regarding what truly progressive diners might look forward to.  With new offerings like Soy Boy Joy, Coconut Ninja, Whey to Play, Give‘Em Kale and The Bees’ Knees, it’s apparent that the locavore movement will soon go the way of the Dodo birds.