I was among the last known humans to join Facebook. I just never really saw the appeal. For one thing, writing my column has always been my way of saying what I thought and sharing my opinions to strangers.  Last year I went through something really devastating and it made me actually want to reach out to people I hadn’t been in touch with for years and I finally broke down and opened a facebook page and I still have it. I can even go so far as to say, I like it.  I have found I  like to see where old friends are at in their lives and to see their spouses and children and their likes and dislikes. It’s a very interesting way to keep in touch with people and share opinions, recipes, news stories etc.  However, as with all things, there are a few key points I have learned through my own mistakes and observations of other people’s mistakes that you should never EVER do on facebook. I figure if there are any random people out there who do not in fact have one I want to share some pointers in case you should decide to indulge in the social media frenzy.

The first and most important rule of thumb, never drink and facebook. Don’t do it. No matter how “clever” you think your amazing self written quote about your personal life sounded at the time, I promise you, when you read it the next morning, you will feel stupid. I almost feel like it should be facebook’s civil duty to install a breathalyzer app on your computer that will only ever allow you to log in if your BAC is somewhere under 0.00002. Only then is it safe. You don’t want to pick a fight with someone you hardly know, or all of a sudden confess your slightly skewed religious and or political views at 11 pm on a Friday night. Not when the next morning you wake up to your grandfather in Texas commenting “please call me I want to pray with you…”  There is only one time that is ever appropriate to have a drink and speak your mind and that is on football Sunday and only if you are a true Minnesota Vikings fan.

This brings me to my second ever so important rule. Find out what your facebook friends NFL standings are before you friend them. I can’t stress how important this is. Facebook gives a person a protective shield and lets them feel powerful and open to telling you how many ways they hate you and your team. For example, I have a few Packer fans on my friends list. Fortunately most of them are my real life friends too and they know that at the end of the day,

I am much crazier then they are, so they tend to not push the subject too hard. Yet- a few haters have snuck in and they have yet to learn the valuable “leave Amy and her Vikings alone” lesson. Last week I was posting something clever (remember what I said about clever…) about how happy I was to see the packer’s kicker miss two field goals in a row.  Next thing you know, a girl- I have never actually met before in person- comments on my post and calls me the C word.

Not cute or cuddly or classy. No, she said the very distasteful C word that no woman should ever say.  It’s probably my fault for not screening her football issues before I friended her, and more her fault for liking the wrong team and just being a piece of trash packer fan, but hey- problem solved! Thank you god for the unfriend and BLOCK aspect of facebook.
That leads me to my third facebook ultimate must do. Become aquainted with the unfriend and block feature. It’s a lovely thing. This feature allows you to only interact with the people you want to, and if you block someone entirely they can never see anything you say or do or facebook. So- if I hated you because when we were kids you threw a rock at me and stole my mom’s mail… Guess what? I blocked you! Or if we were facebook friends to begin with but then you bombarded me with all sorts of stupidity and ridiculousness in my news feeds (“like this picture of a beaten puppy or small babies will die and god will set your house on fire”) I will block you.  If you are wearing a Green Bay packer anything in your profile picture…block!

All in all, I have found facebook to be fun and thus far, not anything that has to be too big in my life where I wouldn’t want it anymore. I do recommend giving it a try. As long as you stick to the rules, it’s all good. And
GOD BLESS THE MINNESOTA VIKINGS.