McD’s Worker: Hello, and welcome to McDonald’s! Can I interest you in 40 chicken nuggets for $8.99?

Paul: Good lord, no. Why would I want that? I’m by myself.

McD’s Worker: Sorry, they’ll fire me if I don’t offer the poorest possible health choices to every customer.

Paul: I’ll just get a cheeseburger and small fries.

McD’s Worker: A double quarter pounder with cheese and super size fries?

Paul: No, just a regular cheeseburger and SMALL fries.

McD’s Worker: We don’t have small anymore. Small is now “children’s size.”

Paul: I’m pretty sure the children’s size is the recommended amount for a grown adult. You know you’re not supposed to eat a pound of potatoes in one serving, right?

McD’s Worker: At least we still hide the ketchup from everyone. That’s unintentionally healthy.

Paul: You DO make it borderline impossible for people to get more than two ketchup packets without throwing a tantrum first. Can I just get the cheeseburger, child fries, and a cup of water?

McD’s Worker: We don’t have non-premium water anymore. We removed the option from our fountain drink dispenser so people will buy bottled water.

Paul: Bottled water seems like a huge waste of plastic for someone who’s eating in the restaurant.

McD’s Worker: Dasani paid us to do it. They want everyone to recognize their bottles in stores.

Paul: Is there a recycling bin for the plastic bottles?

McD’s Worker: No, that would cost us an extra twelve cents per week, so we just let people throw them in the trash.

Paul: Sigh. All right. Just give me one of those McFlurry things.

McD’s Worker: Would you like regular or pussy size?

Paul: Um . . . pussy size, I guess?

McD’s Worker: Sorry, I meant child’s size. What used to be regular size is now child’s size, while our new regular size has been upgraded to roughly a half carton of ice cream.

Paul: Jesus.

McD’s Worker: Would you like to supersize your meal?

Paul: No. I just spent 20 minutes picking the sizes of everything.

McD’s Worker: Yes, but now you get one more chance to make a poor life choice!

Paul: No.

McD’s Worker: Would you like me to Iron Man your order?

Paul: What?

McD’s Worker: It’s a heavy glazing of sugar we coat over your entire order, like Krispy Kreme donuts.

Paul: No!

McD’s Worker: It’s sponsored by Iron Man 3, out in theaters now! You get an Iron Man paper hat with it. Can I Iron Man you, sir?

Paul: A paper hat? That’s kinda cool . . . wait, no! No, you can’t! And it’s “may,” not “can.”

McD’s Worker: MAY I Iron Man you, sir?

Paul: No!

McD’s Worker: Would you like a hot apple pie added to your order?

Paul: No! I’m already getting ice cream!

McD’s Worker: Can I supersize your order?

Paul: No!

McD’s Worker: Can I Iron Man you?

Paul: No!

McD’s Worker: MAY I Iron Man you?

Paul: No, goddamn it!

McD’s Worker:  May I grease you up so you can use the Playland slide?

Paul: No! I . . . wait, yes. That one sounds fun.

McD’s Worker: Great! Here’s your receipt. We’ll have that for you in five to ten minutes.

Paul: Isn’t this supposed to be fast food?

McD’s Worker: Yes, but our cashiers are too busy upselling sadness to give people their orders in a timely fashion.

Paul: That makes sense.

McD’s Worker: While you wait, please enjoy our McDonald’s Entertainment Network, where we repeat the same four inane clips of former NFL star Michael Strahan’s morning talk show until you want to stab yourself in both eyes with a fork. We’ve plastered it on six different TV sets throughout this small restaurant, and turned up the sound really loud so it’s impossible to ignore.

Paul: Can you turn it down?

McD’s Worker: CBS requires it to be that loud, to ensure their advertising works. Also, it helps drown out the incessant beeping of our fry machines, which our cooks never turn off because they’re too stoned.

Paul: That sounds like a lot of extra work to fix a very simple problem.

McD’s Worker: We only fix problems if the solution increases our revenue.

Paul: Can I get some extra ketchup packets?

McD’s Worker: Not until Heinz pays us to hand out giant tubs of ketchup way larger than any rational person needs.

Paul: I always heard you have to ask for ketchup packets because hobos use them to make soup.

McD’s Worker: We just made up that rumor to shame people into not using ketchup. I mean, soup? Really? Why wouldn’t they just eat the ketchup directly?

Paul: Well played. I’m impressed.

McD’s Worker: May I Iron Man you NOW, sir?

Paul: No. Go fuck yourself.