It’s no secret that Paul Whyte and Lane Prekker are not only intertwined into the Twin Ports music scene, they are also in deep with the stars and universe. Yes, this alliance of astrological minds has meticulously read the stars and this is what they came up with about the week of Homegrown 2013. Don’t be upset with them if these horoscopes are spot on, these are the words whispered by the stars. Wisdoms and truths that only the purest of souls could decipher.

Sunday, April 28
Oddly enough everyone’s horoscope is pretty much the same for this day. It doesn’t happen too often, but go have a food fight, take a shower, say “hi” to the Mayor and check out some great shows at Tycoons, Teatro and Luce’. Don’t miss Wolf Blood, the stars where very specific about that.

Monday, April 29
Aries:  You’ll come in with a bang but “peter out” with the first man you meet.
Taurus: If you see Jake Larson smoking in front of an establishment, enter it and see what wonders await.
Gemini: Narum will kiss your beard, enough said.
Cancer: A poem at the Poetry Showcase will help you through this part of your life.
Leo: You’ll be approached today by a Romanian inquiring about a blumpkin. Heiko is calling himself a Romanian now.
Virgo: Don’t be afraid to let Brandon Swanson’s infectious smile rub off on you.
Libra: Go out or stay in? It’s just Monday.
Scorpio: After a long winter, it’s best to keep an open mind and open heart.
Sagittarius: Stay away from wopatui because you may be drowned in sweet pineapple and pickles.
Capricorn: You feel optimistic, yet have restraint. Avoid tequila, it’s bad news for right now.
Aquarius: Once again you’ll fall in love during Homegrown, try to nail them before Tuesday and let them out of your trunk by Wednesday.
Pisces: Go to Planemo at Red Star. The lyrics of some of the songs will be relevant to you within the year. Sorry.

Tuesday, April 30
Aries:  Shame has no place in Homegrown. But since you have none, you’ll be fine. Why didn’t you call back? *Insert emoticon*
Taurus: You will be in the midst of many people, but will be noticed. Just be yourself and others will follow.
Gemini: You will drunkly stumble into a brick wall, only to discover it’s Joey Flynn’s belly.
Cancer: The chances of you finding a $10 or $20 bill on the floor is unusually high today. Maybe just a $5.
Leo: As a Leo you command respect but the fact that you did belly shots off of Fred Tyson leaves you with no respect at all.
Virgo: A last minute delay may alter plans, go with the flow and find something you didn’t know you were seeking.
Libra: A mysterious encounter awaits at the Iron Range Outlaw Brigade show.
Scorpio: Trampled by Turtles will not play that Slayer song you requested.
Sagittarius: Beware of Dave Carroll. He will try to convince you that he was the black kid from Captain Planet. See through his lies.
Capricorn: If you bump into someone at Clyde Iron, introduce yourself after the show.
Aquarius: Hey, have you checked the trunk?
Pisces: Today will be a time for some moderation. You’ll be sober enough to understand this when the time comes.

Wednesday, May 1
Aries: Today you will wake up next to the Homegrown Chicken, except it’s Evil Jeffy in a chicken mask and white unitard.
Taurus: Mikey Talented might just be the best mistake you’ll ever make.
Gemini: Gitchee Gators will emerge from the sewers in search of their favorite chicken snack. Beware of Lake Avenue
Cancer: Walk outside at 11:15pm during Fred Tyson’s show at Grandma’s Sports Garden. Walk 15 paces North.
Leo: Although you’re the focal point of what is happening, taking some time to cry in the alley might be just what you need.
Virgo: Beware of the one they call Gomez.
Libra: Make Adjustments in your thoughts, it will allow you much Bliss.
Scorpio: Today is not the day to pinch the Mayor’s ass. The appropriate time will present itself soon.
Sagittarius: If you do nothing else during Homegrown, watch Sarah Krueger while wearing sweat pants.
Capricorn: Someone with a beard will have something to say that you should take to heart.
Aquarius: If you have a cell phone, call Grandma’s Sports Garden and ask for Lane, he has the keys to let you out.
Pisces: Don’t mess around with cheap beer, you’re better than that tonight. Just tonight.

Thursday, May 2
Aries: You are graceful and light on your feet today, hence Mayor Ness asking of his “cat daddy” skills.
Taurus: If you meet up with anyone whose birthday is today, consider yourself lucky, you’re in Superior, drinks are cheap.
Gemini: Someone is likely to be jealous of you because you got a good night’s sleep in detox.
Cancer: Although slipping over to Mama’s bar in Superior to avoid a wait for a drink at Thirsty Pagan might sound like a good idea, it’s probably not.
Leo: Spending time with friends will make this day go by easily, just be sure to pull your head out of your ass first.
Virgo: Don’t be afraid to Indulge a little.
Libra: Now is the time to tip those scales and let out what you’ve been holding back.
Scorpio: Tower Avenue is closed. Drag racing time.
Sagittarius: The only thing worth seeing in Superior is the Anchor bar and maybe Colleen Myhre. Don’t be surprised if she rattles your boy bones.
Capricorn: You will black out and end up having the best sex ever, you just won’t remember it. Did you use protection?
Aquarius: Realizing new found freedom, when you hit the ground the talking rock will whisper “Worship Sparhawk.”
Pisces: If you’re stranded in Duluth, make a new friend at Burrito Union.

Friday, May 3
Aries: Money, health and forgotten tabs should be your main concerns today.
Taurus: Make sure to tell Chad Lyons to stay sober and strong for kickball.
Gemini: You’ll brag to your friends about the beautiful woman you got a picture with last night. Big Country.
Cancer: Watch out for flying meat.
Leo: Feeling a bit worn down, others will appreciate you for your sick sense of humor if you just let it shine.
Virgo: Reggae or rock? Your night will hang on this question.   
Libra: That conversation with the squirrel will only make things more confusing for you.
Scorpio: Did you charge your cellphone? Chances a very good that you’ll need it.
Sagittarius: Ariane Norrgard will play a mediocre show, will be upset at you that it wasn’t better and then delete you from Facebook.
Capricorn: Make changes to your sexual orientation. You never know.
Aquarius: Work ends early. Rejoice in free time. Let the Manheat reawaken your love for women.
Pisces: You smell like fish, two of them actually. Quit blaming people.

Saturday, May 4
Aries: Don’t talk to Gemini, they might find out about the three way with their twin.
Taurus: You will vomit‚ again. You might be a parent, congratulations. You will run through the Holiday Inn looking for answers. Blame Rick Boo.
Gemini: Saturday will think they won kickball. Don’t get involved.
Cancer: Wash off the dried blood from the Bratwurst show and get back out there!
Leo: After hearing the final failing attempt from Marc Gartman you will go home, get cozy and have a shot of Jagermeister and yell “Mozel Tov!”
Virgo: Taking a nap isn’t going to help at this point, you could be out for days.
Libra: Either Exiles sounds really good or you're really drunk.
Scorpio: Superior Street is your playground, you’re almost there.
Sagittarius: You’re hot from Hattie, you're bothered from Fever Dream. Cars & Trucks will help you regain focus.
Capricorn: Justin Kervina will try to take videos of you if you take him home. You can offset this by using your David Bowie orb from the Labyrinth.
Aquarius: Don’t be awkward, everyone knows the shenanigans. Hand out zip ties as penance.
Pisces: Get wasted and get kicked out of the Preston Gunderson show while screaming that he’s a Charlie Parr wannabe.

Sunday, May 5
Aries: If you wake up next to Chad Lyons, you’re in luck. There’s probably at a least a couple of PBRs left in the case.
Taurus: That Homegrown relationship probably won’t last. Get out now.
Gemini: Part of you wants to head out to the Pizza Luce’ show, the other part wants to sleep until Wednesday.
Cancer: Waking up in the Superior ship yards drenched in sweat, blood and vomit will make you glad this only happens once a year. Retreat to the Anchor.
Leo: Lie in your den licking your paws.
Virgo: This morning you’ll realize that they don’t serve communion at Sacred Heart.
Libra: Balance will be restored in good time. Those who know you won’t remember what you did last night anyway.
Scorpio: The gophers in the aquarium don’t even accept you now. It’s time to leave. Sleep is your only repose.
Sagittarius: Get yourself checked for Super AIDS. The high point is that you can fly, the low point is you’re probably going to die. Get bit by snakes.
Capricorn: Does your butt hurt? Why not?
Aquarius: When depression sets in and you reflect on the week, realize that everyone was tired of you four months ago. Just let it go.
Pisces: Find some solace at the Saratoga.

Heiko E. & Dave M. contributed to these totally legitimate horoscopes.