What’s with all this Earth Day shit? You can’t celebrate Earth Day when the planet’s already ruined. It snows in the springtime now, damn it. This place is screwed, and I blame you, reader. You left the kitchen light on too long, or forgot to compost your own poop in your backyard, or high-fived someone too hard or something. Shit’s all messed up.

I don’t know what you did, but nature sucks balls now. I hope you’re happy, because I’m not buying you a new planet or celebrating your failures with a pretend holiday. If Earth Day celebrations involved more liquor, I’d consider celebrating your failures. Hell, I celebrate mine every year on St. Patrick’s Day. It’s great! But Earth Day? There would have to be some blue ribbon ladies there.

Hold up, reader. I’m hearing reports that an employee at the zoo french kissed a penguin. That shit has consequences, so you might be off the hook. I need to investigate. If I could ask everyone to please stay perfectly motionless for the next few weeks, it will help me rule out other possibilities and see if tonguing a penguin causes snow in April.

Okay, one of you moved. I’m going to ask again that everyone please stay frozen in place until I figure out this penguin makeout shit. It shouldn’t be hard to stay frozen in place. It’s cold as balls outside.

Yes, I know this isn’t the first time we’ve seen snow in April, but has it ever snowed this much? I’m pretty stoned right now, so I’m far too dazed to look it up on a computer. There’s too many keys. It’s very intimidating. All I know is everything is backwards, and one of you fat bastards is to blame. I don’t even live in Minnesota anymore, so you can’t pin this on me. Man up, reader.

This late snowstorm—tentatively caused by readers of this column and/or anonymous penguin fuckers—is even affecting me all the way across the country. For Christ’s sake, it was 57 degrees here in California today. In April! I had to wear a light jacket. In April! Also, the wind messed up my hair and I just didn’t feel like myself the rest of the day. Shit’s rough out here, reader.

I say we all start launching babies into the atmosphere to plug up the hole in the ozone layer. Would that work? No? Even though their souls are pure? Well, shit. What about bananas? They’re not natural to our climate, and their presence may be causing MYSTICAL DISRUPTIONS. Better safe than sorry. Throw them all out. Also, if you order pineapple as a topping on your pizza, cut it the hell out. You’re pissing off the Earth. Pineapples grow in strategic locations for a reason, asshole.

No, I don’t think the legalization of gay marriage is causing the weather changes. Covering us with a thick layer of wet white stuff seems a little too “on the nose” for Mother Nature. Most punishments from her tend to be a bit more subtle.

Greenhouse gases? An overabundance of carbon monoxide? Deforestation? I guess these things might be causing snow in April, but I really enjoy wasting gasoline, eating fast food, and killing trees so I can print my asinine opinions on the hardened skin of their corpses, so let’s ignore these possibilities for now.

Also, please note that we’re not killing these trees just to print my cleverly arranged curse words. This newspaper is also an excellent way for people to find out when Keystone Light will be on sale.

We need a plan, reader. My first suggestion is to turn Earth Day into Universe Day. Instead of environmentalists, we’ll become universalists. That way we can continue to trash the hell out of this planet and still feel like we’re holding up most of the deal. When people point to our endless landfills and toxic waste dumps, we can say, “Yeah man, but check out Jupiter. That shit is clean.”

My second suggestion is to stay positive and pretend everything is normal. This plan has been field tested for years and is proven to work wonderfully. The polar ice caps are melting? Call up the bottled water companies. The world’s panda bears are dying? Sounds delicious. Open a restaurant. Children are developing asthma at an alarming rate? That’s natural selection. Kids are evolving so parents will always know where they are from the wheezing sound.

My final suggestion is to get off our asses and actually change the way we live. Nobody likes this option, so let’s just skip it. If it means not buying Pop Tarts because they have two forms of packaging, a cardboard box AND foil wrappers, then you can all go to hell. Also, that bread with the cinnamon swirls in it that has double plastic wrapping? That shit is way more important than my grandchildren’s future.

Problem solved? Problem solved.