This is the first time I have used a prescript column as a framework, one that I have written before to cover the same subject. I wrote some of this column in 2011 when the Republican-dominated North Dakota Legislature continued to develop their war on women. In the 2013 session they went all-out, defying the Roe vs. Wade decision and putting a “Don’t-Pass” on legislation that would make gays equal in the working place and in society. I have edited this column where necessary and have added some lines for clarification, but this column continues to fight the war on women the ND Legislature started years ago.

March 2011

   I wonder how old King Solomon did it in the centuries before Viagra, the pill, condoms, IUDs, implantable drugs, Vatican Roulette, and other “scientific” methods of contraception. Here the guy had 700 wives and 300 concubines but produced only one son and two daughters, according to Biblical sources. Solomon was the son of two of the lustiest people in the Bible, David and Bathsheba, so a believer would think he might have inherited a greater interest in sex and would have produced thousands of children out of the 1,000 women he was supposed to “know” in the Biblical sense. Did he consummate 700 marriages shooting blanks—or was he successful in thousands of withdrawals? What did the concubines do to earn their keep? God told everybody to “go forth and multiply”! Didn’t Solomon get the Tweet? Inquiring minds want to know... Perhaps Solomon did not know about Horny Goat, also known as Bishop’s Hat, the aphrodisiac weed of the early elite. But my mind wanders...

Why Can’t We
Find Solomon’s Temple
And Palaces?

   I have a few questions for Bible-thumpers who believe every word in their Bible of choice. According to some Bibles, Solomon was powerful enough to bring the twelve tribes of Israel under his control to unify the kingdom. He was also a master builder. I can see why. Just to house 700 wives and 300 concubines and keep them healthy and happy would have required a great deal of secret, circuitous passages and comfortable apartments and condos. And just think of the number of bathrooms!
   He was supposed to have built a beautiful temple to house the Ark of the Covenant and numerous palaces to house his family, wives, concubines, servants, and entertainers. Solomon was loaded. He drank out of gold goblets and equipped his army with golden shields, though bronze and brass were available. Supposedly he built these facilities near Jerusalem on a rocky plateau, employing over 50,000 workers over a period of thirteen years. Much marble and other stone was used in the construction, including many woods from the area. Nails were made from gold and brass. Although millions of tons of marble and stone were evidently used in building city walls and palaces, not a single stone, not a single gold goblet, not even a gold or copper nail has ever been found to substantiate the Biblical stories. According to one Bible, Nebuchadnezzar destroyed the Temple and palaces in 586 B.C. Did he pound the marble and stone into dust? What evidence exists to show that Solomon even existed? Inquiring minds want to know...

This Time The War
On Women Is Really
Ticking Them Off!

   The Republican War on Women will end up like the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Men are going to lose all three. Some warmongers think we have had a “victory” in Iraq. Yesterday (March 17, 2011) 50 Iraqis were killed and over 200 wounded in bomb blasts in at least six cities. Evidently the Sunnis, Shiites, and Kurds have not learned to collaborate yet. Someone please tell me what we have won for over 4,000 killed, 23,000 seriously wounded, and over 300,000 with PTSD! And what are we winning in Afghanistan? (The Iraq statements were written two years ago in March. They require editing. On March 18, 2013, there were 20 attacks in Iraq, mostly around Baghdad, with at least 65 deaths and over 240 wounded. Other totals have to be amended. Total U.S. military deaths, 4,475, and 3,045 private contractors must be added to our KIA list; 32,221 wounded with 797 major limb amputations, 194 partial amputations, 131,341 diagnosed with PTSD, 253,330 diagnosed with traumatic brain injury. Total estimated costs for Iraq War by 2075? About $6 trillion. Estimated number of Iraqi deaths during our occupation: 140,000.)

   But back to the War on Women. Now men have pissed off (former) Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, so we are really in trouble. Hillary at the Lincoln Center’s World Summit on Women slammed us hard: “Why extremists always focus on women remains a mystery to me... It doesn’t matter what country they’re in or what religion they claim. They want to control women. They want to control how we dress. They want to control how we act. They even want to control the decisions we make about our own health and bodies.”
   Dowd in her column “Don’t Tread on Me” called Hillary’s entrance into the war “A moment pregnant with possibility, a titanic clash of the Inevitable (Hillary) and the Indefensible (Republican cavemen). The attempt by Republican men to wrestle American women back into chastity belts... has roused and riled Hillary... In some kind of insane bout of mass misogyny, Republicans are hounding out the women voters... Women have watched a chilling cascade of efforts in Congress and a succession of states to turn women into chattel, to shame them about sex and curb their reproductive rights... Limbaugh branded a law student wanting insurance for birth control pills... as a ‘prostitute’ and ‘slut.’ Limbaugh once called Hillary the sex-retary of state.” She should have kicked him in his Viagra-laced balls (this is my line).

Here Are Some Of The
Latest Outrages By
Men On Women

   The Georgia legislature debated a bill in the House that would make it necessary for a woman to carry a stillborn baby until she “naturally” goes into labor, just as pregnant cows and pigs do, according to Representative Terry England. Writer Soraya Chemaly asked a very serious question I would like to have answered by all the pro-life busybodies around here, but particularly Roman Catholic bishops, active and retired, and the North Dakota legislators who wanted to pass the “personhood” bill they submitted. Chemaly asks, “I have three daughters, two of them twins. If one of my twins had been stillborn, would you have made me carry her to term, thereby endangering both the other twin and me? Or, would you have insisted that the state order a mandatory fetal extraction of the living twin fetus from my womb so that I could continue to carry the stillborn one to term and possibly die myself? My family is curious and since you believe my uterus is your public property, I am, too.”  
    Well, pro-life boys and girls, what is your answer? I would particularly like the bishop, Bette Grande, and Al Carlson to answer the question, because they have always sidestepped my tough questions about abortions. Over the past few years I have asked three tough questions in this column and have never received an answer about situations similar to this one about twins. Why do you continue this war on women? Do you really think that “rules” concocted by ignorant old men thousands of years ago apply today? Doesn’t science and medicine tell you anything about the human female? Chemaly answers this better than I: “My human rights outweigh any you or the state corruptly and cynically seek to assign to a mass of dividing cells that will eventually turn into a ‘natural’ person. Personhood-for-zygote based bills... like Georgia’s and hundreds of others, bills and laws that criminalize pregnancy and abortion and penalize women for being women, violate my human rights.... I gestate humans, you do not. I know what happens to a fetus in the womb. You do not. What makes you think that you, who cannot have this fully human experience, can tell me anything about gestation or how I experience it?”


What Are The Good Ol’
Boys Doing To
Women Now?

   Well, let’s see. Rennie Gibbs of Mississippi has been charged with murder because she miscarried. A mentally ill Bei Bei Shuai is in prison and charged with murder after she tried to commit suicide while pregnant. Twelve states are trying to pass legislation that would require women to undergo 8- to 10-inch vaginal ultrasound probes, which places the state in the position of legally raping women with an object. Arizona is working on a bill that would allow employers to fire a woman who uses contraceptives.
   Female representatives in several states have submitted bills that would require men who desire Viagra or other keep-it-up drugs to undergo a series of examinations and procedures to ensure that they are healthy enough to perform without hurting their health and safety. State senator Nina Turner of Ohio has introduced a bill that would have men “document that their symptoms are not psychological in nature and that they have a real medical malady” before any PDE-5 inhibitors such as Cialis and Viagra could be prescribed. Physicians would have to have a second opinion from a psychology professional verifying that it is a true medical malady. As Senator Turner says, “The men in our lives, including the [Ohio] General Assembly, generously devote time to fundamental female reproductive issues—the least we can do is to return the favor. It is crucial that we take the appropriate steps to shelter vulnerable men from the potential side effects.” This bill is currently being introduced in the legislatures of Pennsylvania, Virginia, Oklahoma, and Idaho. These states have been very active in contraceptive and abortion politics recently. In fact, the governor of Pennsylvania made the statement that if women did not want to watch a sonogram, they should “shut their eyes.”
   All of these bills submitted by women require men to go through an intensive list of exams and procedures so that they fully understand the crucial decisions involving their sexual health. PDE-5 inhibitors have numerous side effects such as priapism, hearing loss, and vision loss and can be very detrimental to men with heart ailments. An erectile problem can be caused by prostate or heart problems, so both exams should be conducted prior to medication.
   Priapism is a very serious side effect of Viagra and Cialis because they may cause an erection in some men that lasts in excess of four hours. I would suggest that men should be required to view a videotape of the entire side effect so they can judge just how dangerous such a long erection is.

Other Legislation
Sponsored By Women
In Selected States

   When male Virginia legislators introduced legislation to require women seeking abortions to undergo a vaginal ultrasound, Senator Janet Howell countered with an amendment requiring all men seeking Viagra to have a rectal exam. When the Illinois Legislature discussed a bill requiring women to get ultrasounds before an abortion, Senator Kelly Cassidy tried to tack on an amendment requiring men to watch a graphic video about the side effects of Viagra, including priapism.   
    Other bills require that men desiring Viagra or other keep-it-ups must study and pass a test on the subject of “Celibacy as a Lifestyle Choice.” Currently there are over 370 anti-abortion bills going through state legislatures. Women are really beginning to roast radical pro-life officials with numerous sarcastic emails that they make public. Governor Sam Brownback, the Catholic governor of Kansas who is a fanatical supporter of pro-life legislation, is a favorite target. Maryellen Furman asked this of her governor: “Do you, by chance, perform Pap tests or trans-vaginal ultrasounds? I have heard you are the ‘go to’ guy when it comes to women’s anatomy and health care.” LeAnn Kearney hit him with these lines: “Hey Governor Brownback, I was just wondering if you could help me decide what brand of tampons to buy. I have a heavy flow, and I would like to avoid any embarrassing leaks. I’m sure you’re very busy and I’m sorry to bother you. It’s just that, as a woman, I just don’t feel comfortable making these important health decisions without input from a male politician. I’m sure you understand.”
   I think the male treatment of women has just passed the tipping point with the combined arrogance, ignorance, and sheer stupidity of evangelicals, Catholic bishops, and Republican politicians. You know you are going to lose these arguments eventually.