Corky and I lived in Sun City West for the winter three years ago, enjoying both the sun and the very quirky, sometimes Catch-22 Arizona political scene. Republican governor Jan Brewer, who gave one of her fingers to President Barack Obama when he visited Phoenix, never seemed to have any of her circuits running. Her breakers were constantly being tripped and reset. The Republican-dominated legislature was an absolute zoo, complete with the behavioral traits of some zoo animals. It was a source of howling laughter and disgust even when not in session. Recall attempts and other shenanigans and worse logic left most snowbirds shaking their heads, as in “What could they be thinking...”
  We thought we would never see another state government like that. But the current legislative session in North Dakota is shaping up to be another radical war on women, the homeless, the poor, and the middle class.

Secession Is Beginning To Look Like
A Reasonable Proposition

   Some residents of North Dakota have joined the disenchanted from 21 other states, both “red” and “blue,” in petitioning to secede from the United States. I have read several plans on how to divide the country. Naturally we would split blue states from red states based on incompatibility. I suggest we name the red states “Lower Moonshine” and the blue states “Upper Martini.” The South and the tiny red Midwestern states would belong to the Commonwealth of Lower Moonshine. “Shine” is still popular in the South and would be a good reminder of political ideology. Blue states would fit better in Upper Martini, the martini being the favorite drink of elite liberals and loony progressives. I have one every day at five as a tribute to W.C. Fields.
   Boundary lines would be established by gerrymandering ideology, not geography. I like most of the divorce plan of Paul Vandevelder published in the Tribune. Upper Martini would be composed of California, Oregon, Washington, Nevada, Hawaii, New York, and all the Northeast states that voted for Obama. Lower Moonshine gets Texas, Mississippi, the Old Confederacy, and Mitt Romney states such as North Dakota and South Dakota. The writer has a lot of fun divvying up celebrities. Upper Martini gets Bill and Hillary Clinton, Jennifer Granholm, Barack and Michelle Obama, Elizabeth Warren, Bill Maher, Meryl Streep, Woody Allen, and all the Kennedys. Lower Moonshine would shelter Larry the Cable Guy, Sarah Palin, Bobby Jindal, Jim DeMint, John McCain, Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham—and all the NASCAR drivers.
 
How About Splitting
The Grand Canyon?

   The author of the original plan wanted the two countries to split the Grand Canyon, with Upper Martini getting the North Rim and Lower Moonshine the South Rim. I’m willing to cede the whole canyon to LM. It’s a good place to dump beer cans.
  UM will own most of the fresh water, all kinds of cheese, practically all the good wines, the redwood and pine forests, most of the good beaches, and all of the current stem cell research.  LM gets most of the country’s oil (now that North Dakota is number two in production of crude), Halliburton, most of ExxonMobil, and 80 percent of the natural gas, both human and flammable.
   Upper Martini will get all the Ivy League, MIT, Carleton, and Lawrence, while Lower Moonshine students will matriculate to Dixie State College, Ole Miss, Bob Jones University, Oral Roberts, and all Southern Baptist seminaries. LM will get all the Tennessee Snake Handlers, 99 percent of the Southern Baptists, all conservative and traditional Catholics who follow Vatican rules, 90 percent of all tornadoes, hurricanes, 80 percent of the mosquitoes, 96 percent of the televangelists, Fox News, Rush Limbaugh, and 65 percent of the obese. In return, Upper Martini states will get to keep 100 percent of their tax revenue instead of sending big checks to Lower Moonshine states as subsidies and welfare. Finally, Lower Moonshine states will have the pleasure of paying in full for their own roads, bridges, schools, hospitals, dams, and flood control programs. North Dakota will no longer get back $1.73 for every dollar they previously sent to the feds.
   UM will end up with most of the Lutherans, a few Mormons, all of the “cafeteria” Catholics who rarely follow rules, Unitarians, Episcopalians, Charles Darwin, sun and wind worshipers, and climate change believers. LM gets all of the people who believe that God created earth just 6,000 years ago.

Isn’t NDSU A
Co-ed School?

   What got me started on this North Dakota column was a picture of the eight new officers and board members of the NDSU Alumni Association. All tidied up in two rows in the Forum picture were Mike, Wayne, Scott, Brian, Gerald, Mark, Jim, and Barry. No Alice, no Henrietta, no Jane, No Eleanor, no Diane, not even a Sarah. So now we have an NDSU Taliban—not an Amazon among them. Gee, there must be a female graduate who would qualify for the board. Now some radical male will have to speak for the thousands of women who have attended NDSU.
  I thought of a section of a speech that President Harry Truman gave in the 1948 campaign giving Republicans hell. What is this NDSU all-male board going to do for women? Perhaps the same as male-dominated Republicans did in 1948 for women—and perhaps the same as 2013 Republicans are planning for women. Truman said, “Republicans approve of the American farmer, but they are willing to help him go broke. Price supports is socialism for farmers. They stand four-square for the American home—but not for housing. They are strong for labor—but they are stronger for restricting labor’s rights. Minimum wage laws? They favor the minimum wage—the smaller the minimum wage, the better. They endorse educational opportunity for all—but they won’t spend money for teachers or for schools. That new hospital the government is building is pure socialism. They consider electrical power a great blessing—but only when the private power companies get their rake-off. They think the American standard of living is a fine thing—so long as it doesn’t spread to all the people. And they admire the Government of the United States so much they would like to buy it.”
   Things certainly have not changed much in 65 years.

Why Don’t Republicans Find Their Own Planet?
It’s Now Possible!

   Research with new telescopes indicates there may be as many as 9.6 billion planets in the universe, many possibly livable. Can’t the North Dakota Republicans find another planet so the rest of us can live happily in the 21st century? Look at what the ND legislature is planning to do:

1. Reject a plan to provide milk or juice for 6,000 young school kids?!! With a $1.6 billion surplus, one would think the legislature could spare $250,000 a year to buy one million cartons of milk or juice so all kids, rich and poor, can share a drink at break time. Reminds me of the Latin American Catholic bishop who reported, “When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a Communist.” I hope the fact that the national press made a big deal out of the vote might bring a majority of the embarrassed legislators to their senses.
2. During the session, 150 starving and injured horses were discovered among 100 dead ones on a ranch in Morton County. What action did the legislature take? None that I know of. Even Republican president Herbert Hoover in the Great Depression signed a law appropriating $100,000 to help feed starving farm animals. A cancer-stricken six-year-old girl from New York City sent her life savings of $177 to buy hay for the horses. What a national embarrassment for the state. How much money did the legislature dedicate to the feeding and treatment of these animals? I don’t think they allotted a dime. Correct me if I’m wrong.
3. I see the legislature is continuing the Republican war on women by passing a witch’s brew of anti-abortion laws specifically designed to close down the Fargo Red River Women’s Clinic. I thought abortion was legal in the United States. Women deliberately aborted fetuses for thousands of years prior to Roe vs. Wade, using cow manure, various witch’s brews, lye,  clothes hangers, and other deadly products. Even Catholic popes approved abortion until 1859. Medical authorities estimate that between 15 and 20 percent of pregnancies end in miscarriages. One would think at least the male legislators would have stopped playing doctor in first grade instead of still being consumed by trans-vaginal probing. The Christian Taliban is alive and well in some states, attempting to keep women barefoot, pregnant, and stupid—just like their Eastern brothers, the Muslim Taliban.
4. One can assume that the LGBT community will be ill-served by the Bible-thumpers and psychopaths in the legislature. During a TV debate about same-sex marriage and sexual discrimination in law and custom about six months ago, I asked House Majority Leader Al Carlson why our son should be treated as a second-class citizen. After all, he was happily married to his partner in Iowa and observed all other laws. Al had no answer except he was against “it.”
5. The legislature is going to do one wonderful thing for all the workers in North Dakotastan. They are going to eliminate pain. Imagine what a relief that is for all workers who need to apply for worker’s compensation. Just think about the Crystal Sugar scab who was seriously burned in the East Grand Forks plant shortly after the story about eliminating pain appeared. If he had been burned in the Hillsboro plant, he wouldn’t have felt any pain at all, because pain has been banned in North Dakotastan by legislative fiat. Ted Koppel had an ironic comment about pain during the Bosnian War: “Man’s greatest protection is his ability to block out other people’s pain. It is also man’s greatest curse.”
6. I see two NDSU faculty members have received another grant, this one about teaching  counseling techniques to therapists and others who counsel members of the LGBT community. I assume this will arouse, as whenever there is anything about sex, the Bible-thumpers and bigots as much or more as the sex ed grant for educating the young about sex did. We certainly wouldn’t approve of high school kids understanding anything about real sex and planning parenthood when Planned Parenthood is involved. There is a curious mixture of woman haters and sex haters involved with both of these grants—joined by a university president who needs a spine transplant. The lawyers discussing the aspects of the sex ed grant in the papers sounded like Charles Dickens’ Mr. Micawber trying to get out of paying a bill. Southern Baptists and Catholic bishops treat women as second-class citizens. Further, they project the idea that every sex act is videotaped by God for future reference. Now I see the rights of zygotes have been approved by the ND Senate. While the zygotes are enjoying the first moments of “personhood,” why not give them a Glock or Bushmaster and a life insurance policy to welcome them into the uterus? It will be fascinating to see if legislators, for the first time, can keep their glands from mixing it up on these two issues. I have two relatively modern proverbs for legislative study: (1) “Keep your theology off my biology” and (2) “Keep your rosaries off my ovaries.” Remember, you’re dealing with the same crowd that castrated young boys because they needed them to sing alto and soprano.
7. I see there is only one bill submitted about gun control. It’s about approving silencers. Imagine another Texas Tower killer with a silenced Bushmaster. Well, Bismarck is a long way from Sandy Hook, Columbine, Tucson, and Aurora. But Red Lake is not that far. Don’t worry, the God who gave us rifles and the NRA will protect us.
8. I see North Dakotastan Republicans have joined their white buddies across the nation in rigging voting precincts, changing residence requirements, cutting early voting days, requiring photo IDs, and other acts of voter suppression to keep the poor, the elderly, all minorities, and workers who have to take cash time off from voting. The Pew Charitable Trusts just named North Dakotastan the top state in the nation in handling elections. How could they possibly do that when there are thousands of voter fraud cases forcing these changes? Why not just bring back the policy of the long-dead white Founding Fathers by counting all votes for Democrats at three-fifths, as they did for the Negroes back then? That law would be so much easier to administer.
   North Dakota has a chance to eclipse Arizona as the most screwed-up state. The state has already been named the worst state in the union for girls and women. Just pass your current agenda and you will win the title hands down. The elephant is the present symbol of the Republican Party. But elephants have empathy. The herd babysits and takes care of and protects its young. The whole herd gives their babies a Head Start, while the Republicans refuse to fund 1,000 three and four-year-olds who are on the state’s Head Start waiting list. Get another symbol.