The Autopsy Report

Ed Raymond

Autopsies are performed after an organized group of cells dies, usually represented by a human body. The reasons for such a study vary. Prosecutors may be looking for a cause of death so that someone can be charged with a crime. Physicians may want to perform an autopsy to see why the patient died. They may want to discover why an antibiotic killed the patient instead of the bacteria. These postmortems may involve microscopic studies of body tissues or extensive tests of the effects of prescription or illegal drugs. Although it is rare for political parties to die, the “family” often wants to know what brought about the demise. The Republican Party is about to conduct a comprehensive autopsy of why Barack Obama defeated Mitt Romney and why the Democrats increased their members in Congress.
  Major political parties rarely die because power is a terrible thing to lose, and, like a diabetes victim, will sacrifice feet, legs, and other parts to stay alive. But parties are often infected by political viruses spread by NRA gun wackos, Tea Party racists, John Birchers, Ayn Randians, Bible-thumpers, and other extremists because these groups are often single-issue oriented. Infected major parties usually recover after wandering in the wilderness for a period.

Political Parties Must
Have Leaders

  After the Mitt Romney debacle (Mitt who?), just who is the Republican Party leader? Romney has been running for president for ten years, but even Republicans have no idea what he stands for on the major issues of the day. Is he bi-polar, dumb, or born without a spine? Poor Mitt has been quickly tossed into the medical waste bin.
   Where was former President George W. Bush on the day of Romney’s political death rattle? He was checking on Mitt’s cash while lying on the sunny beaches of the Cayman Islands. Actually, he was in the islands giving a speech at a “confidential” investment conference, evidently using the vast MBA knowledge he never used running the country for eight sick years. A question: where was Dubya during the presidential campaign? In that he was not invited by a single Republican candidate running for any office anywhere to campaign, poor Dubya was sentenced to over a year in an undisclosed location so the press couldn’t trick him into telling the truth. The Republican National Committee was very good at one thing—hiding Dubya for a year.
   Who is the Republican leader? Would he or she be among others running for the Republican nomination? Would it be Herman“9-9-9” Cain? If he is seen now, voters call “911.” Would it be Tea Party caucus leader Michele Bachmann? She ain’t no Joan of Arc. Would it be Newt Gingrich, the Georgian with a terminal case of diarrhea from two orifices? There isn’t enough Pepto-Bismol, Immodium, or Esdifan in the world to cure him. Would it be the chinless Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, who appears to be always ready to burp? His only interest seems to be playing the playground bully. Some say Rush Limbaugh is actually the head of the party. I think he should run in 2016 with The Donald as his vice. Wouldn’t that be entertaining?

Why Did Catholics
Vote For Obama?

   The Vatican, that citadel of long skirts and medieval hats, came out strongly against same-sex marriage and contraceptives the weekend before the election. The good ol’ boys of Rome had already lost that argument in Europe, where Catholic churches are being sold by the dozen and only about two percent of Catholics now attend mass, so they tried to pass their Inquisitorial voodoo to the states.
   Those U.S. bishops who are desperately trying to gain cardinal hats so they can move to Rome sent out thunder and lightning letters and sample sermons to Catholics pleading for money to fight the two abominations. I haven’t heard or read even foggy, drizzling reactions from bishops who yelled “Charge!” They had very few Catholics following them up the hills of bigotry and sexual ignorance. Obama won the Catholic vote. How about three “Hallelujahs!” for Minnesota voters, who burned the marriage amendment at the stake? The bishops are not on the side of history. Nine states and Washington, D.C. have now legalized same-sex marriage, with six more states seriously considering it. Some Republican campaign operatives now recommend that candidates “not sign a suicide pact with the National Organization for Marriage,” the main opponent to same-sex marriage.

When Did Romney
Campaign Chiefs Pass
An IQ Test?

   Near the end of the 2012 campaign, the 150-ft. yacht Cracker Bay was anchored in the St. Petersburg, Florida, Municipal Marina to host a fund raiser for Mitt and very wealthy Floridians. The Cracker Bay has millions of dollars worth of art on board and can seat 30 for lavish dinners. It is owned by Gary Morse, the developer of the Villages retirement community, one of the largest in Florida at 80,000. Morse runs a tight yacht and development. Republicans outnumber Democrats two to one in the Villages. Obama campaign signs in windows brought nasty letters from the Villages. For some reason, those with Romney signs were never contacted. Corky and I have visited the Villages. We noticed a major activity is tremendous competition over which resident has the most expensive golf cart. Fox News TV and Limbaugh radio dominate the Villages airways. Two theaters concentrate on running Tea Party and right-wing documentaries. Morse has registered his yacht in the Cayman Islands to avoid U.S. taxes. He gave over $1.7 million to the pro-Romney Restore Our Future SuperPAC.
   Over 50 millionaires and billionaires attended the fundraiser. Reporters tried to interview the “guests” as they left the Cracker, but they hid their name tags and rushed off to another fundraiser. I guess Romney’s boys didn’t figure out that Mitt would not be helped by people who had yachts because the 47 percent cannot afford small boats. This yacht incident is more than a brain cramp. It’s extraordinarily dumb. I think it’s really funny that 52 percent of Americans making $200,000 or more actually voted for Obama. But Obama did not get the bankers. He got 29 percent fewer bankers to vote for him than John Kerry did back in 2004.

Are Republican
Presidents Better
At Making Money Than
Democratic Presidents?

   The Republicans need to answer why Democratic presidents (FDR, LBJ, Clinton, Obama) without business experience are much better at the stock market and the economy than Republicans with business experience. Over the last 84 years, the Gross Domestic Product has grown 7 percent per year under Democrats without business experience and fallen 0.2 percent per year under Republicans with business experience (Hoover and the two Bushes). And the Dow stock market has risen an average of 16.8 percent per year for Democratic presidents with no business experience and fallen by 3.7 percent per year under Hoover and the Bushes. What did Dubya learn from his Harvard MBA? “Greed is good”?
   So Republicans are “job creators” and entrepreneurs and create better economies. Why are most Fortune 500 companies headquartered in high-tax Democratic states such as New York, California, Washington, and Minnesota? Minnesota, as an example, has 21, while neighbors North and South Dakota have none. Every once in a while, a Minnesota CEO threatens to move his business to North or South Dakota. We should give him cab fare if he wants to live in Aberdeen or Dickinson.
   The states that vote red and have Republican governors and a Republican majority of legislators actually live off the largess of blue states. For every dollar they pay in federal taxes, the following states get back plenty: Louisiana, $1.45; Alabama, $1.71; South Carolina, $1.38; Missouri, $1.29; North Dakota, $1.73; South Dakota, $1.49; Montana, $1.58. Alaska, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, and Mississippi also are constantly sucking on the teats of the blues. These are the real takers in the country. Only Texas of the reds pays more taxes. It gets back 94 cents for every dollar. Obama states such as New York (79 cents), Michigan (85 cents), and Colorado (79 cents) get back much less than they pay in. These states are among the leading makers. (Wasn’t it Romney who talked about makers and takers? He just had it all reversed.) I think it’s really funny that poor Bible-thumpers south of the Mason-Dixon line continue to vote for rich Republicans while they are getting screwed by them. Maybe thumpers need more sex education.

Science, Sex,
Evolution, And Religion

   Can’t the Republicans find better candidates instead of ignorant losers? U.S. Senate candidate Denny Rehberg of Montana pledged to vote against climate change, all science and technology funding, stem cell research, and AIDS funding. His famous comment on AIDS: “The problem with AIDS is, you get it, you die, so why are we spending any money on people who get it?” For some strange reason he does not want to ban human cloning. Does he want a twin?
   Paul Broun, a Georgia Republican incumbent in the U.S. House, is another ignoramus: “All that stuff I was taught about evolution, embryology, Big Bang Theory—all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell. The earth is only 9,000 years old.” This guy makes decisions for us on the House Committee on Science, Space, and Technology!
   Defeated Senate candidate Richard Mourdock of Indiana “rape” fame says that “climate change is the greatest hoax of all time... I believe God controls the universe. I don’t believe biology works in an uncontrolled fashion.” Does this guy know where babies come from?
   Comedian Bill Maher, who is a serious commentator on our politics, summarized the problems of the Republican Party on his HBO show: “When you elect Mitt, you’re not just electing him. You’re electing every right-wing nut he’s pandered to in the last ten years. If the Mittmobile does roll into Washington, it will be towing behind it the whole anti-intellectual, anti-science freak show. The abstinence obsessives, the flat earthers, the anti-women social Neanderthals, the closeted homosexuals, and every end-timer who sees the Virgin Mary in the grass over the septic tank.” I wish I would have said that.

I’m Going To Hell If
Mike Huckabee Has
Anything To Do With It

   I found out from Mike Huckabee of Fox News that I am going to Hell. Mike talks to God. I voted for Obama. Huckabee told all Christians through his show that “their votes are recorded in eternity... Voting for the wrong person, we know who, Obama, and you’ll be faced with the wrath of God.” At least I will get a chance to meet Obama and Colin Powell, and continue to live with Corky. She’s a good girl and would have gone to Heaven if she had voted right. I have been told by many believers that I’m going to Hell anyway.
  A cartoon by Rob Rogers of the Pittsburgh-Post-Gazette, with an Easter Island scene dominated by huge Republican heads resembling the stone statues embedded in the naked hills, succinctly reviewed the problems of the Republican Party. A sign near the head statues identifies the island as the “God Island Of White Males.” A tourist photographing the heads says to his partner, “It was an ancient political culture that ignored changing demographics  and became extinct.” The original Easter Island culture died off because the natives cut down all the trees and used them to roll huge stone statues up hills. Not wise.
  Women voted for Obama at a 55 percent rate. Single women voted for Obama with an overwhelming edge: 67 percent. Gee, would that have something to do with equal pay, abortion, “legitimate” rape, contraceptives, and the attempts to defund Planned Parenthood?
  Besides the “War on Women” conducted by Republicans, a California political columnist outlined other problems for the Greedy Old Farts: “If someone believes Barack Obama is a socialist, Communist, Marxist, Muslim, radical, black liberation theologian, non-citizen, illegitimate president or Manchurian Candidate, forget about him. He may make it in talk radio—but he is not going to make it in California politics.”