Ann Landers
and Craig T. Nelson
They know why.

DC Comics
Hollywood has now made movies about nearly every superhero. Why not Wonder Woman? We get every superhero except the one with huge tits? I thought this was America.

Paul Ryan
No, not me. The Republican congressman. C’mon man, life is difficult enough being a guy with two first names. Every other day, someone reminds me. “Paul Ryan? You have two first names!” Thanks, assbag, I wasn’t aware. I’d tell you I also have a middle name that’s a first name, but I don’t want you to piss yourself.

Now this Wisconsin fart queen with my EXACT NAME runs for vice president. C’mon America, are you really gonna vote for some townie who never moved out of his hometown? Some guy who CHOOSES to live in Janesville? Have you ever been there? They have a giant cow statue in the middle of town, and they painted big, veiny udders and an asshole on it. Let me repeat that. THEY PAINTED AN ASSHOLE ON IT. Everyone born in Janesville probably has a collection of human penises in their basement.

Paul Ryan
No, not the Republican congressman. Me. I just dropped my burrito on the kitchen floor, which makes me mad, and I haven’t mopped or swept the kitchen floor in at least two years, which also makes me mad, and now I’m eating the burrito anyway, which makes me downright furious.

McKayla Maroney
I was slightly enamored by your smoking hot bitchface during the Olympics. Also your last name, because Maroney was Steve Guttenberg’s character from the Police Academy movies. Then someone told me you were only 16 years old and I vomited for at least an hour. Thanks for all the wasted boners.

Matt Elsen
Remember in high school, when I was talking to a girl I liked and you walked past and called me a homo? I STILL REMEMBER, YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

The Deranged Guy On the Train Who Keeps Punching Himself in the Head
You’re making us all very uncomfortable. Please stop.

Wells Fargo
“You’re sorry” that you charged me four overdraft fees in one day, even though I had deposited a paycheck earlier that morning? “You’re sorry” that you didn’t inform me of your new policy where checks deposited on Saturday morning now take THREE DAYS to be added to my account, a clear scam to charge people unwarranted overdraft fees? “You’re sorry” that the security option I chose — to have my checking card declined when there’s no funds available — didn’t work because it only applies if I use it as a debit card? “You’re sorry” that you’re not allowed to refund the overdraft charges?

You’re sorry. Well that and a hobo’s mouth will get you a blowjob at the bus station. I’ll start looking into credit unions. Thanks for the push.

The Queen of England
I sent you an erotic letter, Your Majesty. I WILL expect a response. After all, my father was once the Duchess of Medway, Massachusetts.

The Duchess of Cambridge
I sent your mother-in-law an erotic letter. I WILL expect a response. After all, my mother was the Foofenblah of Farfingfon. As a thank you, I have enclosed a photocopy of a magazine photo of actor Anthony Quinn.

The Duke of Cambridge
I sent your mother an erotic letter. I WILL expect a response. After all, my brother is the night manager/charitable exotic dancer at a Long John Silver’s restaurant. As a thank you, I have enclosed a photo of your wife with tracing paper taped on top of it, where I have drawn what I believe she would look like in the nude. You’re welcome.

A 60-year-old Asian Man Wearing a Backpack
Just stop it.

Bullseye, the Target Dog
If I’m being totally honest, for the entirety of writing this column, I wrongfully thought your name was Spanx, the Target Dog. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I fell asleep last night watching an infomercial for Spanx leggings. I was, as you might guess, tremendously inebriated.

Anyway, on to business. The bread sold by your company is sliced too thick. I suspect this is because thicker bread slices will cause me to use up the loaf faster and buy more bread sooner. Every sandwich I eat now, all I can taste is bread. This is bullshit, Spanx. You are the president of Target. Stop being a dick.

The Negro Baseball Leagues
I . . . I don’t know what this means. I was really drunk last night, and I woke up this morning and this was added to the list. I’m . . . I’m really sorry.

Women Taller Than 5’10”
Oh. You’re wearing heels on our date. Well then. Fuck you, too.

Real Employers
Who Provide Full-Time Jobs
What? I have to show up EVERY weekday? Can I work Monday and Tuesday and then take like three days off? No? Are you serious? All right, but I can leave every day at like noon, right? No, I don’t mean leave for lunch. Like just leave for the rest of the day. What? I have to stay until 5 p.m.? This is bullshit.