Over the years, I’ve received countless e-mails from readers of this column. Some are from people with legitimate complaints, and the other 99.9 percent are from frail old women who just found out about the internet and haven’t seen a goatse image yet, so they don’t know how much worse things can actually be.

Due to overwhelming popular demand (and a sincere laziness on my part), this week’s column is a selection of some of my favorite letters. All of them are real. I couldn’t be this funny on my own if I tried. Enjoy.

“Sir, I think you are a disgusting
pig to write such trash.”
-Catherine

“You need serious psychological help.”
-CJ

“Don’t put sh*t on pages that Poland
is a shitty place. I come and beat the
fu#king sh*t out you bitch.”
-John

“Hey look bitch delete me from
column. Fu#k you who are you?
Bitch of the son.”
-Ercan

“It just so happens that my little
brother came across your column
he read all the swears boob rubing,
ass squeezing and peanus sucking you
mentioned now he is going up to his
little friends and they are repeating. I
would love to sit here and complain
but I have a kid to talk to about some
language issues from the newspaper.”
-Lisa

“How do you get Christina
Aguilera’s e-mail.”
-Anonymous

“i think pual that avril lavin sholud
not be a singer because she used to
be a reporter and she could be scaming
you and also i now she is doing
modaling and she is leting boys put
there d*cks inside her funny and bum
witch i think is descasting”
-Carly

“You do not have permission to post
the photo of the Steve Guttenberg
star map. Delete it.”
-Michelle

“You mentioned that Clay Aiken
sucked but I think it is you that sucks.”
-Traci

“My friend has the same surname as
you and is obsessed with vampires.”
-Crisp

“Hi, I am doing a film on PETA and
animal rights. I see you are offering
$50 for someone to punch one of their
members in the face. Would you
be willing to be interviewed
on camera about this?”
-Andrew

“I’m not sure why you call the waste
plant a Poop Factory, because factories
are places where things are
manufactured and/or assembled,
whereas the waste treatment plant is
occupied with getting rid of the poop.
The real Poop Factory is, in fact,
your colon, Paul.”
-Bruce

“It’s bear season here. I need to know
what to do if I see a bear and it is
being humped by one of
the beastialists.”
-David

“Thank you, sir, for your article on
Jennifer Love Hewitt’s absence of
nudity in ‘The Tuxedo’. You spared me
the trouble of renting the damn thing.”
-Brian

“This one time, I threw up at a movie
theater when i was in line to see
‘Zoolander’. People moved away from
me like I was going to throw up on
them. Just because I puked on one girl
doesn’t mean I’m going to throw up on
all 23 people that stood in line. And
the girl didn’t really care, she just
started to cry.”
-Pamela

“I have recently purchased a car that
was highlighted as being once owned
and driven by you. If you have any
information that you could share with
me it about this car you would be
doing me a great service.
Thank you for your time.”
-Geoffrey

“I don’t like Bobby Flay,
but you’re cool.”
-Elyza

“I know closet homosexuals
that are funnier than you, queer.”
-jgabbard@taylor.navy.mil

“I have just one question about your
column: Why all the cursing?”
-Dan

“I don’t give girls ding dongs I give
them the Kong Dong, it’s similar,
creme filled and all.”
-Joe

“Alex Trebek feeds the poor.”
-Jake

“Go fu#k a lamppost.”
-Greg

“Congratulations Paul, people
are interested in meeting you!”
-OK Cupid

“If I wrote a column, I would talk
about such important issues as the
poor quality of pornography videos
and DVDs. I would complain about
how Senators are not naked. I would
ask how a no-fault insurance company
can subrogate in the case of an
out-of-state vehicle and collect double
compensatory damages, without
having to pay back the subrogee. These
are important issues that you just seem
to not care about any more.”
-Erik

“I’m gonna pray for you.
You really need it.”
-Anonymous