Dennis Kempton, editor of Oeuvre Magazine, was arrested Friday evening for writing an honest theater review. Kempton didn’t like a show, gave his honest opinion in a polite, fairly tame review, and was taken into custody shortly thereafter.

“This is a close-knit arts community. We don’t want honest feedback here,” said Detective Sergeant Trotter of the Duluth Theater Police. “Theater reviews should be free advertisements, nothing more. The lifers who have acted and directed here for years have created a nice little bubble of comfort and safety for themselves. If we allow constructive criticism to burst that bubble, our theater scene may actually become useful to creative people who wish to improve their skills and someday move on to a larger, more competitive market where they aren’t coddled.”

Kempton will be tied to a large rock and dropped into the Mississippi River at sunrise tomorrow. If he floats and survives, he will be burned for being a witch. If he drowns, his corpse will be burned to prevent his evil spirit from possessing other reviewers.

Hey, look! A boat!

You’ll never believe what will be in port tomorrow! It’s a boat! Yes, another one! It’s full of iron ore pellets, just like all the others! This boat, built in 1983, was originally called the Baranga Maranga, which is Scottish for “Boring Ship That Carries Pellets!”

Want more info on slow-moving things that no one under the age of 90 or above the age of six will find interesting?! Call our motherfucking boats hotline!!!!! It’s updated 24 hours per day with hot, sexy information on up to three boats!!!!! I love exclamation points and boats!!!!! BBBBBRRRRRRRMMMMMMM BOOOOOATS!!!!!!! Seriously. Boats. You guys. Boats.


Party with a Policeman
program starts Monday

The Superior Police Department is holding its annual “Party with a Policeman” event next Monday. Just show up to the police department drunk and holding a six-pack of beer, a large bag of marijuana, or a nose full of cocaine, and you’ll be given a free chocolate chip cookie by Superior’s finest! Offer valid Monday only. Select residents may be arrested instead of cookied.


Come see a photocopy
of Paul Ryan’s penis

The College of St. Scholastica will be hosting a rare viewing of a photocopy of columnist Paul Ryan’s flaccid penis in the campus library. Just walk up to the desk and politely ask the librarian to see it. If she acts like she doesn’t know what you’re talking about, become indignant and loudly accuse her of being a penis hoarder.

Please do not attempt to make a photocopy of the photocopy. Ryan has strictly forbidden this, for fear that non-professionals may accidentally hit the “reduce by 90%” button, causing his penis to be shown in its actual size. Also, please don’t hit the “darken” button, because that would ruin the surprise of next year’s art show, “Paul Ryan’s Penis in Blackface.”