Man hopes people will join him on his sailboat this year

Northland Enquirer annual April Fools parody

by Northland Enquirer staff

For the last several years a man named Jeffery Blondsmith has pursued his love of sailing on the Great Lake of Superior. "Oh, it's so wonderful to just be out there on that lake, I get the boat ready as soon as the temperature starts to warm up." While a self-proclaimed sailing enthusiast, Blondsmith admits that he hasn't traveled more than two miles out of the Duluth harbor. "Well, last summer, I had some friends and we were all supposed to meet at noon and make it as far as Cornucopia, or maybe even Bayfield, it was a beautiful summer day. Several people were supposed to go, but 12 hours later, around midnight, no one had showed up yet. It was sometime after 2 a.m., after bar close that they showed up, and they were really drunk. We were about to set sail and then one of them just started puking all over the boat. I told them they had to leave. I was cleaning up all that vomit until 6 a.m." Blondsmith is hopeful he'll find someone to make it out of the harbor by at least sundown this year.

Apple develops Coronavirus test app 

Apple CEO Tim Cook has announced an app for iPhones that enables users to self-test for coronavirus.

Self-testers are instructed to obtain a saliva sample using a cotton swab. Apply the saliva sample onto a pane of clear glass, then select iPhoto to photograph the backlit sample. Select the app and results will be displayed in one of two universal symbols: thumbs up or skull and crossbones.

Currently the app is not compatible with Android phones. “Unfortunately, there is a glitch in the code that causes Android phones to incorrectly deliver the skull and crossbones symbol one in three times,” Cook acknowledged.

Conspiracy theories are already circulating on Twitter.

Complete piece of shit pastor brings in thousands of followers for his own greed

Pastor McKinnon has been preaching the gospel for 20 years in Eveleth. While no one we can find has been actually healed, his disciples tell a very different story.

"I can almost see!" Said Willy Smith, a man who has been blind since birth. When asked how many fingers we were holding up, Willy said, "All of them, man! Praise the Lord!" We were actually holding up three fingers, but this did not deter us from finding some truth in Pastor McKinnon's preaching.

The Enquirer found a woman named Lyanne DeHack who had a severe lung infection that set in around a month ago. “(hacking cough) Every time I've gone to see the Pastor, I feel this infliction (coughs violently with some blood landing on us) ... excuse me, I feel this infliction (continues to cough with even more blood landing all over our face) ... yes … (continues to just cough straight in our face for around two minutes), the Pastor McKinnon has helped so much. Praise the … (continues to cough on everyone standing in a 20 foot radius) ... LORD!"

According to bank records, if the pastor cannot keep hundreds or thousands of people attending his church, he'll likely lose his seven properties, and not be able to afford a lawyer for molesting young boys.

Landlord in tight bind

We found the landlord of Screwem Height, a modest, yet pleasant apartment complex housing ten tenants in eight rooms. "Yeah," said Jake Screwem, "My granddaddy after the war bought this place and my father, rest his soul, he died and passed this on to me. I figured, I'd charge everyone $1,000 apiece to stay here, but I'm not mean, I go and throw in electric and even the garbage-trash. Some people might say that a one bedroom might not be worth that much, but where you going to go, you little hoodrat bitches, you're paying me!"

We talked to a woman who was working three jobs as a cleaner, dishwasher and "Cam Girl" named Eve: "Even with all of these jobs, I can't afford to keep clothes on my two children's backs, I work all the time and I'm just so sad, my husband works two jobs and hates it when I sell myself online, but he knows that's the only way we can get little Justin's medications." 

“That libtard whore should get a better job!" said Screwem, when asked about Eve’s situation. “I've been living just fine off my steel mill trust! People need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps! It's the American way!”

Over half of Screwem's tenants don't know if they'll be able to meet next month's rent. Screwem conceded, “I might lower the rent down to $900 to get someone new in."